May Doesn't Start Off Well

May 1, 2001

I dread facing Pedro Martinez.

I went into this game bracing myself for the inevitable... we can't hardly hit this guy, and we're probably going to lose. You can't argue statistics and you can't argue that he's the best right hander in either league. Facts are facts.

And yet... if you're a true Mariner fan, and you've seen what these guys have done all season--they swept Mike Mussina, Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte after all... you can't help but think "Why not Pedro too?" and you hope that maybe--JUST MAYBE--Pedro will have an off night and it's finally our turn to get the best of him... because speaking of facts... the Mariners play good baseball.

John Halama (who pitched a great ballgame himself) gave up a harmless hit in the first, and he struck out Carl Everett, who tipped his batting helmet to him, WHICH DELIGHTED ME NO END because I love it when ballplayers do stuff like that. Then Pedro gets Ichiro to fly out and Cameron K's, and much to my extreme disgruntlement, I hear people CHEERING and combined with the fact that I haven't felt good all day and I'm all strung out on cold medicine AND I'm facing what will likely be our first consecutive loss of the season and a shut-out at that, I have to say, "OH SHUT UP!", I mean--this isn't Boston, Massachusetts last time I checked, are you people LOST or what? Boston is about 3,000 miles THATAWAY (points to the east). Whatever! And as if THAT weren't enough for me to deal with, Pedro beans Edgar in the HEAD which, although I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, gets me all riled up anyway because it's EDGAR and because Pedro has a bit of a reputation for that kind of crap anyway, and then because it's the new rule where if you hit a guy in the head you have to be warned or ejected, the umpire goes out to warn Pedro and I'm yelling "TOSS HIM, TOSS HIM! KICK HIS [EXPLETIVE DELETED] OUT!" because that would've really increased our odds of winning, but sadly, he doesn't, and we leave the inning with no score.

Let me just say right here how TIRED I am of that Britney Spears Pepsi commercial.

Second inning. Halama gives up another harmless base hit. Al Martin coaxes a walk, but ends up doubled off of first when he takes off after Tom Lampkin's fly ball is caught. I swear vehemently.

Halama sits Boston down in order, and then in our half, Ichiro gets a broken-bat infield base hit, and Pedro is trying to keep him on first and all I can say about that pick off throw: WHATEVER, PEDRO! And anyway, we can't score him. I decide Pedro's success is probably due to his ENORMOUS NECKLACE, which I'm betting distracts the batters. Good grief that's a lot of gold.

Fourth inning. Boston does nothing. Carl Everett strikes out looking and he's all, "WOW, WOW!" but I think he was not liking that call too much and then it's our turn and Edgar walks and then John Olerud singles and Edgar gets to third on Carl Everett's error and I'm all "WOOHOO, E8!" and there aren't any outs yet and I'm thinking to myself, "HERE IS OUR CHANCE!" and I am SO HAPPY and then Bret Boone flies out shallow and Edgar has to stay and Bret is REALLY upset with himself and is all throwing his helmet and saying bad words if my lip reading skills are correct and Boone had endeared himself to me already but now I like him even more so since the two of us had the exact same reaction to his last at-bat save for me not having a batting helmet to toss down or getting to stomp into the dugout AND HOW MUCH DO I LOVE BRET BOONE and anyway there's only one down and then Pedro thank the heavens above tries to tuck that ENORMOUS NECKLACE into his shirt and I'm "Yeah, why don't you put that thing away, there you go" and he walks Al Martin so we have the bases loaded and then Tom Lampkin hits a ground ball that they take to throw Edgar out at home and I am forced to say more bad words and then Pedro is SMILING which just infuriates me no end and I wanted to get a hit off of him SO BAD and then as if sensing that I was close to the breaking point, the camera guy flashes to Jay "Laura's Hero" Buhner which had an instantaneous soothing effect on me and Jay and Edgar are talking and laughing and I'm starting to feel better but THEN David Bell K'd, and those obnoxious Boston fans had the nerve to CHEER which totally irritated me, and AS IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH, Pedro's necklace, which seems to have an entity all it's own, has worked it's way BACK out of Pedro's shirt and I am all cranky-pants, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT THING OFF!" which makes my cat blink at me in surprise and how much do I need a nap.

Fifth inning. Three up, three down, both sides. Sixth inning. Boston manages to score a run. I scowl. Pedro strikes out the side. I make an obscene gesture.

Seventh inning. I'm still sulking, and at this point I'm talking to my friend Shel in Nashville who by now is used to my tantrums and we sort of have this routine where I go off about everything and she's trying to placate me and is like "Honey, you're up against Pedro, you really didn't expect to win, did you?" and I'm totally not having it because even though deep down inside I know that she's right and I should just accept the fact that he flat-out beats us, he's a tremendous pitcher and our winning against him is unlikely, I'm totally not in the mood to admit it during the ballgame, not to mention that I'm a total poor sport HAHAHA and so I continue kicking up a fuss, which only worsens as we enter the 8th. Carlos Guillen makes an error which pretty much gives me an aneurysm and of course it comes back to bite us hard, as Boston manages to SCORE from it and poor Shel is treated to another round of profanity from me which doesn't phase her in the least. Mark McLemore pinch hits for Carlos and singles, Edgar walks... and we can't score either one of them. More profanity insues.

Ninth inning. Norm Charlton gives up a couple of harmless hits. We are finally into Boston's bullpen as well, but we can't get anything going. We lose, 2-0.

I console myself with the fact that it WAS Pedro Martinez who beat us and we played a good game defense and pitching wise... and while I know you can't win every game, MAN this one would've been cool. Texas also lost, so we kept our 9 game lead at least.

On the pitching of Pedro Martinez...

"He's not a fluke. No one has three pitches like him and command of all three." -Bret Boone

"The guy has about eight different pitches and can throw all of them for strikes. He was nasty." -Mike Cameron