My name is Laura. We figured some inside scoop as to who I am and what I’m talking about might be useful since I say a lot of things that may seem to come from out of nowhere. Here’s a "cast list" and hopefully some insight as to why I say the things I say.

I’m 29 years old. I like the Mariners, most especially Jay Buhner, my nephews, the movie Grease, beer, TV and run on sentences. I don’t like Alex Rodriguez, the Yankees, feet, leaving runners stranded, baseball players who sell out, sloppy baseball, losing baseball games or the Seahawk mascot.

My pet peeves are Alex Rodriguez, bandwagon loser fans, that stupid rule where if the catcher misses the ball on strike three you’re not out until he tags you or throws the ball to first, people who cheer for the away team at Safeco Field and when people yell "BIG MONEY!" on Wheel Of Fortune.

I’m scared of the Seahawk mascot, spiders, tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, snakes, alligators, crocodiles, komodo dragons, sharks, water that I can’t see the bottom of, fire, fire places, fire alarms, fireworks, fire drills, and basically anything that is loud, hot or unexpected.

What this basically surmounts to is that I am one big Picky-Patsy mass of irrational fears and eccentricities, who likes to watch TV, drink beer and talk baseball.

For example, let us take the departure of Lou Piniella to Tampa Bay  which not only broke my heart into 800 million little pieces, but I do not GET IT, and I swear if one more person uses their Florida-habitating-ness as an excuse to leave Seattle I am going to have a major fit, I mean I know it’s far away from his family and all, and it isn’t like he pulled a big Princess Griffey and BUILT his house out there and then started bitching about the commute, but WHY can’t the family take one for the team and summer up here or something? What is the big deal with baseball players having to keep their houses in FLORIDA. Has anyone ever BEEN to Florida? I mean MY GOD I was there in the beginning of May one time and there is NO WAY I would have survived the summer temperatures there not to mention the wildlife which would’ve given me a breakdown if I had to be there very long, although I have to say that Busch Gardens in Tampa was seriously badass, albeit a bit stressful by the alligator exhibit where we walked up and I was totally fascinated naturally as alligators are kind of like car wrecks where you totally can’t look away and there is meanwhile some alligator caretaker in the pit just totally at ease and not armed with machine guns or anything and it’s feeding time and he is all squatted down by the water telling you "American alligators are very docile and afraid of people and won’t attack unless provoked" and all this nonsense that I’m totally not having because I’m sorry, but I watch the Discovery Channel rather religiously and I’ve seen where alligators get SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF without any provocation whatsoever and in any case I really don’t think it’s a good idea to STICK YOUR HAND IN THE WATER when everybody who watches the Discovery Channel KNOWS that alligators don’t see that well especially underwater and with it being feeding time and all they could easily confuse your HAND with their DINNER and so I’m like ready to faint, plus it’s just ungodly hot, like it was over 100 degrees with 100% humidity or something and my friend drags me away from the exhibit where I’m so beside myself it’s embarrassing and had me looking at monkeys to calm down and I go to take a picture while I’m standing next to this tree when all of a sudden THIS LITTLE LIZARD JUST GOES FLYING RIGHT UP THE SIDE OF IT, like RIGHT BY MY ARM and so I scream and almost drop my camera and am waving my arms around generally making a huge scene and we had to go ride rollercoasters after that because I’d pretty much had all I could stand of Florida wildlife, like give me cold Seattle and a big slow moving slug any day of the week.

Okay, so anyway, here’s the "cast list" / "dictionary" so when I randomly reference people and things you’ll know who and what I’m talking about:

· "Homer" – that’s what I call my dad and that’s what he answers to even though that’s not his name - my mom calls him "Homie" now too.

· "Homer Fussies" – these are the fits of ire my father frequently suffers, caused by any number of things, most commonly The Mole, Ricky Martin and telemarketers.

· "The Mole" –my father’s nemesis for over four years now. He destroys my father’s immaculate lawn and has cost him a bundle in elaborate mole-catching devices, none of which have worked thus far, but one of which I swear to God set fire to the backyard.

· "Ricky Martin" – my father’s most hated performer.

· "My Mom" – well duh.

· "The Nephews" – Casey & Dylan, 5 and 8 years old, and absolutely the two coolest little people on the planet.

· "The Crocodile Hunter" – What, do you live under a rock? This is one of my favorite shows & also what I call Steve Irwin, the star of the Crocodile Hunter, who I talk about quite frequently considering my irrational fear issues.

· "The Shortstop Formerly Known As Honorable" – that would be Alex Rodriguez, who sold out, lied to the M’s ownership, behaved deplorably and then managed to offend me endlessly with his not at all well thought out comments that to this very day will send me off on a tangent the likes of which I’ve never been before, like don’t even get me started on this one and like I always say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Tom Hicks.

· "Stupid Bandwagon Yankee Fans" – self explanatory

· "My Friend Shel(ly)" – website creator extraordinaire, responsible for this magnificent creation you are currently viewing. She is one of my best friends and is as equally dedicated to the Braves as I am the Mariners. She is a baseball loyalist through and through and does a rather amazing job of keeping me from having a complete aneurysm when the M’s play sloppy. 

· "Chipper J" – Chipper Jones third baseman/leftfielder of the Atlanta Braves. Chipper is to Shel as Jay Buhner is to Laura. (See the April 2nd "Jay Day" review for further clarification)

· "Gone Commando" – this is a theory of mine and Shel’s concerning a certain second baseman and his rather commendable posterior that we study each game trying to discern if there are any underwear lines or if he has, indeed, "gone commando".

· "Val" – One of my best friends and co-Spring-Training-deviant.

Now, go tell all your friends about my website and make them come here too.

Go M’s.

.
    ~Laura