Man Alive But Our Defense Rocks

April 9, 2002

Okay so my Mom’s birthday is this coming Sunday and she wanted to take a little trip and go somewhere fun, and my parents, both of which hate to fly, equate fun with driving in their fancy pants motorhome to some far off locale which I have avoided joining them for since I turned about 16 or so as I don’t much enjoy the riding for hours on end while Homer and I fight over the music, climate controls and when we should stop and go the WHOLE WAY THERE AND BACK.

BUT, since it was her birthday and she had opted for Jackpot, Nevada, and not some boring stuck - in - the - middle - of - nowhere - sit - in - the - motorhome - and - do - nothing - but - take - nature - walks - when - I - hate - nature - kinds - of - places that I so dread and avoid at all costs, I decided I’d tag along when she invited me because I love Nevada and I love gambling and I love free drinks and I love my mother of course and I’m explaining all of this to you because you will need to know of it when I tell you about the horrible, horrible thing my friend John did that I am still horrified over as I sit typing this.

So as I’m leaving work, my friend John is all wanting me to place a sports bet for him and he is all, "Okay, put this on… Oakland taking it all this year." And I stared at him for a full minute waiting for him to crack up and show me he was kidding but he was DEAD SERIOUS and I was thoroughly appalled and rightfully indignant and went stomping away from him informing the entire lobby how horrified I was and he is all right behind me still trying to give me the money to place the bet which I absolutely refused to do and he finally relented and was like "Okay, put it on the M’s going all the way" and I was like "fine!" but was still majorly disgusted and I took his money which I’m just going to use to play blackjack with since he was all traitorously betting on the A’s. My GOD.

So, back to business and I am late getting home this Tuesday evening as I was running some errands before I leave tomorrow morning and you can imagine my dismay to discover a SPIDER on the handle of the door to get into my house, and you probably won't be surprised to know I’m having a pretty major breakdown there on the patio and of course I’m all by myself having just gotten home so there is no one to kill it which means I must devise a way to kill the spider myself without possibly getting close enough where it could touch me. So I come up with the rather ingenious plan of throwing one of the plastic lawn chairs at the door which I do only the spider somehow manages to NOT DIE and STAY ON THE DOOR besides, leaving me right where I started, but rather than admit defeat and just move to a new house, I work up enough nerve to get close enough where I bravely highkick the door handle and then run to the other side of the patio screaming the whole time, and after I’ve recovered from my daring battle, I am pleased to note the spider is smeared across the majority of the door; Mission Accomplished. So by this time, it’s almost game time and I settle in to watch and with 1 out, Jeff Cirillo singled and then promptly got picked off of first which made me not at all happy and Dave Niehaus is all "he has a hard time staying on" and Red is all laughing and I don’t think Dave meant that to be funny as it was really quite distressing when you stop to think about it.

So we get nothing accomplished in our half and it’s quickly Anaheim’s turn and they don’t fair much better wasting Tim Salmon’s 2-out walk, so let us just move along to the second where Mike Cameron ends up walking with 2 outs and meanwhile the whole time he was up, some idiot was on his cellphone in the stands which was incredibly annoying but not nearly as annoying as the 800 throws to first base that Kevin Appier was making trying to get Mike to behave himself over there and unfortunately we don’t do anything and head into the bottom half of the second with no score and John Halama, having a rather excellent outing, gives up nothing but a harmless 2 out single to Brad Fullmer.

So third inning and they pan to Joel Pineiro who evidently goes to the same hairdresser as Bret Boone if those blonde highlights he’s sporting are any indication and with 1 out, Mark McLemore singled and then he stole second and did one of his sliding - head - first - with - such - velocity - that - his - batting - helmet - goes - flying maneuvers and either Adam Kennedy or Derek Eckstein, I forget which, handed Mac his helmet which I thought was really sweet and unfortunately, he ended up doubled off when Ichiro lined a shot right to the shortstop which made me use some rather foul language, and then Adam Kennedy singled to lead things off and Eckstein grounded into a fielder’s choice even though it was a total double play because John Olerud’s foot was still on the bag but let’s not get me started and then Darin Erstad singled and then an out later and Garrett Anderson lined out to center and I thought it was going to be a base hit but not with Mike "Centerfielder Extraordinaire" Cameron out there who made a SWEET catch to end the threat.

So fourth inning and we’re down in rather dismal order and then Scott Spiezio who is really rather adorable singled into rightfield and NO WAIT!!! Ichiro sliding on his seat, CAUGHT THAT!!! And then Jeff Cirillo made a sweet play to get Benji Molina out on an infield trickler after he fielded it fair and Ole managed to step on the bag just in time to get the job done, like how awesome is our defense? So Anaheim ends up down in order and we head to the fifth inning but not before we have to suffer through a Britney Pepsi commercial, and while she’s doing some very not-50’s dance moves during the 50’s segment, her wig almost fell off I’m pretty sure which would’ve been hysterically funny.

So anyway, we do nothing and unfortunately, some guy named Nieves doubled to lead things off for the Angels and then Kennedy sacrificed him to third and then Eckstein hit a sac fly to score him and we head to the sixth inning trailing 1-0.

So sixth inning and Ben Davis and his silly pants pulled up funny just ripped a big nasty double to lead things off and then Mark "I’m Goin Yard!" McLemore WENT YARD to put us up 2-1 and all the guys are waiting to hi-five him and Lou Piniella is laughing and then Ichiro reached on an infield single as the third baseman was all oops doh ack hey yikes can’t find the handle but my glee is short lived as Ichi then got caught stealing and then an out later and Bret walked but that’s all the excitement we manage and I’m a little sad to see that we’re facing Aaron Sele tomorrow. And then Anaheim is down all 1-2-3 like but not before Scott Spiezio majorly adjusted himself and flew out to left where Mac made an unbelievably sweet catch.

Seventh inning and we’re down in order and I have to mention this incredibly scary commercial for some radio station, I forget which one, where they zoom in on this woman’s mouth and she is all lip-synching to various songs and voices and it’s incredibly disconcerting not to mention FRIGHTENING as it looks as if she’s possessed or something and anyway, we do nothing and Jeff Nelson relieved Halama and retired the side in order, so eighth inning and there’s a bunch of player movement for Anaheim which I’m too tired to sort out at this point but I’ll try: Orlando Palmeiro is in center and Erstad has moved to first and Spiezio is at third majorly adjusting himself again and Lukasiewicz relieved Appier and with 2 outs, Ichiro, possessed of demons, swung all crazy like at the first pitch but made up for it by doubling to center and then I think it was Donnelly who came in to relieve Lukasiewicz and we unfortunately don’t score and head instead to the bottom half where Arthur Rhodes relieved Nellie and sat them down in order.

So ninth inning and Bret singled to lead things off and I am meanwhile talking to my father who is having a Homer Fussy about me packing and Edgar singles which momentarily distracts him because he stops talking about packing and starts talking about baseball and Luis Ugueto comes in to run for Edgar and Homer is all "P-U" on the first pitch to John Olerud which struck me funny for some reason and John made an out but Cammie walked to load the bases and an out later and Ben Davis singled to clear them all off after an error besides and then Lou Pote came in to relieve Donnelly and I’m all "I hate Lou Pote!" and my dad is all "Who the hell is Lou Pote?" and I explain that’s who hit Edgar last year when Edgar charged the mound and so Homer hates Lou Pote now too even though he will forget who Lou Pote is by the time we play Anaheim again and we head to the bottom half leading 5-1 and Kazuhiro Sasaki relieved Artie and almost hit

Tim Salmon who started laughing about it, but Kaz ended up striking him out and then retired the next two just as neat as you please and we win and Ben and Kaz bow to each other before hi-fiving which was pretty cute.