It's All About Winning Series

April 8, 2001

How very, very sweet it could've been. I had my broom all ready for the sweep, but alas, it was not to be.

Edgar "It Just Does Not Get Any Better Than Me" Martinez came into the game batting .611 with a lifetime batting average against Kenny "Whatever" Rogers of .471 and then they start talking about Jay "Laura's Hero" Buhner who also does quite well against him and has 5 homeruns and I must say, I miss him terribly and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stand it when he retires. And then we have to listen to how Alex "Public Enemy Number One" Rodriguez gave Jose "Pay Up" Paniagua a Rolex for getting his ERA under a certain number and how he had it engraved and it is all I can do to keep my breakfast down at this point when I hear that he signed it 'from your brother' or some such nonsense and if I were Jose I'd be pitching that watch to him at about 95 mph the next time I faced him at the plate because if he were my brother he wouldn't be sitting in the other dugout in that stupid ugly uniform that is beyond disconcerting to see him in. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

The first inning sucks, plain and simple. Texas "Ball Four!" Rangers get a run, and how they get it is not important as I'm sure you can't possibly care any more than I do, which is not at all and Freddy "Am I Awake? Do I Care About This Ballgame? It's Hard To Tell the Way I Just Kind Of Stand Here Looking Not At All Interested" Garcia was downright sloppy and we're lucky all they got was 1, and can somebody tell me please, WHY IS FREDDY WEARING THAT WRETCHED "WE ARE ON A MISSION, SIR!" T-SHIRT THAT ALEX HAD PRINTED UP LAST YEAR UNDER HIS JERSEY AND WHY IS SAID JERSEY NOT BUTTONED UP VERY WELL? Obviously, with the way that jersey was buttoned, he wanted somebody to see that shirt, and as long as it meant, "We are on a mission to beat Alex Rodriguez" that's fine, but if it was some kind of a shout out TO Alex, then I don't think he should be allowed to wear that, and if you're wondering how I know that it WAS that "mission" shirt, I know because I had one exactly like it and they're unmistakable with that ugly lettering and I will never forget what it looks like, although mine was on fire the last time I saw it.

And while we're on the subject of uniforms, is it too much to ask that the teams all wear the same undershirts? A-Rod had a red T-shirt, half the Rangers had white ones, the other half had blue ones, and Kenny was wearing what was once a long-sleeved one, but it appeared that he had chewed off the bottom of the sleeves so that they only came to mid-forearm with no hem. Gross.

Bret "Fly, Fly Away!" Boone hits a solo homer in the second and my nephew, Dylan "Edgar In Training" (last name removed to protect the innocent) calls me and we are talking baseball of course and he is only three years old but he can already hit and he is BEYOND darling and he tells me, "Edgar is my favorite, but Jay Buhner is your favorite and he is hurt right now and not playing" because he's a little genius and knows his baseball already and I say, "Yes, and that absolutely breaks my heart" and he goes, "Yes, that makes my heart sad too, Addie Yoda (Auntie Laura in nephew-speak)" AND HOW CUTE IS MY NEPHEW ANYWAY and they flash to the Almighty Bald One in the dugout about that time and HOW AWESOME IS JAY?

Bottom of the second, we make an error but get away with it. Third inning. Let me just give you the highlights: Alex whiffs. I laugh uproariously. Then I become confused as their second baseman, Frank "I Look Like I'm Eleven" Catalanotto came out of the dugout to give the umpire a new ball or clear some equipment away or something, and then OH WAIT, NO, that was the batboy, who I swear I could not tell apart from him for a second which really cracked me up.

I observe that the Ballpark In Arlington looks like a Texaco Station.

 I observe how hard the wind is still blowing and muse to myself how Alex probably won't like his new home so much when it is picked up off the ground and deposited in the Gulf of Mexico during a tornado which I am convinced is going to hit soon.

And anyway, we move along to the fourth where we can't score Cameron and then Texas ends up with runners at the corners with nobody out and Ichiro "I STILL Wouldn't Be Running On the Mariners' Arm From Rightfield, Buddy" Suzuki made an excellent throw to save a run. And, just on another side note since I'm fond of those, Rusty "I Am A Pain At the Plate Today" Greer is at the plate and someone is yelling, "GO RICKEY!" and I'd really like to know who Rickey might be since there wasn't one there and the only one I can think of is playing in the minor leagues for the San Diego Padres and anyway we get out of the inning but not before Lou "What Is WITH My Starters?!" Piniella is up and pacing and throwing his gum in the dirt and before the game they mentioned that our bullpen has pitched more innings than our starters, which is not a good thing.

Fifth inning! David "I'm Goin' Yard" Bell knocked a solo homerun and he looked like he smiled when he hit it and I know I did. The batboy makes an error NO WAIT that is Catalanotto's error. Bases loaded. Edgar steps to the plate. And then, the unthinkable occurred. Edgar made the final out. I was in shock for a full ten minutes. I think Freddy was too because he came right out and hit Alex with a pitch and I certainly felt no remorse over it because I think that's the only way he should be allowed on base and then Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez made an out and Alex snagged second much to my disgruntlement and then Freddy, still suffering from shock over Edgar, hits Andres "Laura Likes Me Even Though I Play With Alex" Galarraga. We manage to get out with our lead still intact.

The top of the sixth inning passes with little incident except it looked a little bit like Kenny was throwing at Anthony "It Wasn't My Fault!" Sanders a bit, although he just ended up walking him anyway. Bottom of the sixth, and Bo "I Got Lucky" Porter reached on what I think was an out, but we got away with a little bit in this series, so I didn't kick up too much of a fuss, and then Greer doubles and ties the game which then makes me kick up a little fuss over the previous call at first that has now cost us a run and then the batboy doubles NO WAIT it is Catalanotto doubling to take the lead 3-2. I say bad words. And before I go any further I would also like to mention that all this "NO WAIT!" business is a trademark of my mentor Danny Drennan's so he won't sue me for plagiarism and because, well, it's his trademark. Oh, and blah blah blah we get out of the evening trailing 3-2. Alex made another out.

Seventh inning. We do nothing. Norm "Are You Sure This Is A Good Idea?" Charleton relieves Freddy. He gives up a homerun. I suffer a small coronary. He shuts them down after that. 4-2 Texas after 7.

Lou demonstrated what makes him so great. With Boone on and 2 away, he pinch hits Mark "I Want My Playing Time" McLemore for Dan "The Man" Wilson. Mark homers, tying the game. I am beside myself happy. Norm gets the first out in the bottom of the eighth. I applaud him. Paniagua comes in to relieve him and promptly gives Texas back the lead. I throw up. Not really. We leave the inning trailing by 1 again.

This is where it gets really, really bad. Ichiro makes an out. Stan makes an out. Edgar steps to the plate. Edgar makes an out. I fall into a shock induced coma.

But, the series was won and that's the important thing. I'll take 2 out of 3 gladly and anytime.

"They won one? Good for them. We won two. Good for us."



-Bret Boone, on taking 2 from Texas (The News Tribune)