CRAP

April 7, 2002

So this rather ghastly event began with me taking a nap because I have GUESS WHAT like my 50th sinus infection of the year and I didn't even wake up until the fifth inning but anyway, here's what I missed... not much in the first, not much in the second... in the third, Dan Wilson walked and then went to second on a wild pitch and then Carlos Guillen singled and then Ichiro grounded into a fielder's choice which scored Dan and we head to the fourth inning where it doesn't look like much of anything went on so let's move along to the fifth inning and I come stumbling out still have asleep and I turn on the tv and the Athletics are all hi-fiving each other which can't be good, and sure enough it wasn't, because evidently with 2 outs, that Colangelo guy doubled and then Carlos Pena who is starting to work my nerves big time knocked one out and we head to the bottom half trailing 2-1.

So then I have to suffer through this stupid Subway commercial where this guy entices these models into going to Subway with him for a sandwich as if models eat anything anyway let alone Subway sandwiches and then I have to suffer through this other commercial where this very, very scary woman who resembles Miss Piggy minus the charm and likability is all going off loudly to this woman who drives up with her new car that is somehow better than Miss Piggy's car even though you don't really care and then Miss Piggy is all indignant about her inferior car and goes "I took so and so to the prom!" and then so and so shows up looking remarkably like one of the muppets from the band for the Muppet Show kind of like a cross between Janice and Animal and that one other guy whose name I can't think of and I'm still cringing as we go back to the game and we don't get anything accomplished as Frank "Piece Of Crap" Menechino was picking up everything and the only good thing about this inning was the ump shouting "FAH BAH!" every time there was a foul ball.

So sixth inning and stupid Eric Chavez knocks one out and then they pan to him in the dugout where he is picking his nose as the Devil I mean David Justice was making an out, so it is now 3-1 Oakland and then oh screw it, seventh inning and Oakland sits down in order and then we start playing like ourselves a little bit and with 1 out, Ichiro reached on an error and then Mark McLemore singled and then Bradford relieved Venafro who had relieved Hudson earlier and then Bret singled which scored Ichiro and then an out later and Holtz relieved Bradford and John Olerud walked to load the bases and then Jeff Tam relieved Holtz like HOW MANY RELIEVERS DOES OAKLAND HAVE and there we are with the bases loaded and it's Mike Cameron at the dish Cammie hit what I thought was going to drop in and NO! Jeremy Giambi ROBBED HIM OF A HIT AND WE LEAVE THE BAGS FULL AND STILL TRAIL 3-2 and I suffer a massive coronary because that was just SO wrong, I mean damn your black heart Jeremy Giambi and Jeff Tam you are SO PATHETICALLY LUCKY.

So then 8th inning and... GOD THERE IS NO END TO THE HORROR and Oakland tacks on three more runs and I could get into how but nobody cares most especially ME but then we come right back! Jeff Cirillo leads off with a single. So then an out later and Carlos singled and then Magnante relieved Tam and Ichiro TRIPLED which scored them both and then Mac hit a sac fly to score Ichiro and it's a 1 run ballgame again and then Billy Koch and his sorry excuse of a goatee came in, and if you go to that bullpen one more time Art Howe I swear on Jay Buhner I will come down there and break both your arms so that you can't make the call anymore.

So 6-5 Oakland heading into the ninth and they didn't score but I have to mention that while Frank Menechino was on first he MAJORLY adjusted himself and then it's our turn and... Edgar walks and then Luis Ugeuto comes in to run for him and steals a base and then John Olerud walked and Desi Relaford came in to run for him and then... Cammie was trying to bunt and it backfired in a major way and the catcher caught it and then poor Jeff Cirillo, distracted by Billy Koch's disgusting facial hair, accidentally lined a shot right to him and they doubled off Desi and the game was over and we lost it and I swear myself lightheaded and the Oakland Athletics must have sold their souls to David Justice I mean the devil for this win because there was no way they would've won it otherwise, and yes I'm just being my usual poor sport self there and I know that Oakland is an excellent team but DAMMIT THIS ONE SHOULD'VE BEEN OURS and I'm going to go take some more cold medicine and sulk for a little while.

"I know!!! They sucked so massively all three games!" -Laura