April 6, 2002
Happy birthday Bret Boone.
So this rather horrifying game began with a commercial of the Moose on a motorcycle which for some reason struck me funny and Jeff Cirillo is playing 1st base which threw me for a minute and the top half of the first inning begins with Freddy Garcia sitting the Athletics down in order and then we go to commercial and I'm watching the game with my dad again and one of the commercials they show is for some insurance company and it features people... floating and sailing through their office, and if people floated and sailed in my office, not only would I be greatly alarmed, but said floating and sailing people would be getting shot down with rubberbands, paperclips, Easter eggs, candy and hotdogs because everyone in my office pretty much throws things all day long anyway, and presenting them/us with a target like that is just asking for it. And for those of you wondering about the throwing of hotdogs, that's another story entirely where we were having this potluck and someone made hotdogs and one of them was like totally burned beyond all recognition pretty much and so I threw it at my friend Bret and it hit his desk and bounced on the floor and left hotdog residue on his papers which struck both of us pretty funny, and then I picked it up again and just gunned it as hard as I could over the cubicle wall where it sailed right over the head of my friend Dave and landed in my boss's office and my boss Martin was like "HEY! Is... that a hot dog?" which is hysterically funny when you stop to think about it.
So anyway, our turn and with 1 out, Mike Cameron ripped a big nasty double and then Bret Boone was safe at first on an error and then a wild pitch later and they both move up a base and then Edgar Martinez was intentionally walked because the Oakland Athletics are such pathetic cowards and then Ruben Sierra hit... into a... double play. And by the time I've stopped swearing we're back from commercial and stupid David Justice with his extraordinarily unbecoming goatee singled only somebody should have caught that but Cammie and Carlos Guillen had a little miscommunication there which was rather upsetting and then an out later and Terrance Long walked and I have to say that the Athletics have some hopelessly ugly uniforms going on, like whoever came up with green and gold should seriously be ashamed of themselves and anyway, Freddy struck out Greg Myers and had that Saenz guy struck out a couple of times before the ump finally got it right thanks to Saenz swinging right through it and then we have to sit through the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial that goes through all the different generations and then we're back to the game and we sit down in order and meanwhile my mom is on the phone talking to my sister and from what I can hear of her end of the conversation, my four year old nephew is trying to put pliers up my 19 month old nephew's nose.
So third inning and with 1 out Jeremy Giambi obnoxiously homered like why don't you go play in New York with your sellout brother Jason, Jeremy and then an out later and Scott Hatteberg was safe on an error by Carlos and then stupid David Justice and his stupid goatee singled and then Miguel Tejada was safe on another error by Carlos like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE which appears to be what Lou Piniella is thinking if his expression is any indication and then Long flew out to finally end it and Carlos was all apologizing to Freddy and Freddy was giving him an "it's okay" smack on the butt and my dad is all "that (picking each other up) is what makes them good".
So our turn and with 1 out, Ichiro reached on an infield single and after like 75 throws to first base like JUST PITCH AND LEAVE HIM ALONE, and Mulder finally ended up walking Mike Cameron anyway and then Bret singled to tie the game and then Edgar was up and my father is all doing the Edgar Chant and Edgar singled and Mike scored and Bret is on third and Ruben is called out on strikes which he did not appreciate one little bit and then Jeff Cirillo was hit by a pitch which had me shrieking in outrage on his behalf even though I'm sure it wasn't on purpose and Carlos walked which forced in a run and we head to the fourth inning leading 3-1.
So then we get to see a little blurb of the groundscrew dancing and Oakland is down in order and meanwhile they are doing the Aflac Trivia Question and Dave Niehaus quacked like a duck which really cracked me up for some reason and then my father, possessed of demons, bursts out with his "Bi-annual Homer Clock Fussy" where he begins complaining about having to change all 9000 clocks in my parents' house even though I think he really quite enjoys it and I really don't think you can fully understand the detail and precision with which this must be done, like he calls to get the exact time and then has to have every last clock and watch timed down to the last second before he can go to sleep on Daylight Savings Days. So anyway, Desi Relaford reached on a bunt single and then Ichiro "sacrificed" him over to second and was totally safe himself but the retard umpire called him out and all I can say is that the umpiring crew of this series ought to be fired and we can't score and head instead to the fifth inning where we are treated to another Cat Chat commercial which was unfortunately interrupted by stupid Jack of Jack in the Box and the A's are down 1-2-3 with Carlos making a nice play to get the third out and it's our turn where we do absolutely NOTHING.
So sixth inning and there is the Devil in an Oakland Athletic uniform which he probably designed himself and NO WAIT that is David Justice and he singles like the big piece of crap that he is and then stupid Miguel Tejada just had to go and launch one to tie the game and an out later and Myers reached on an infield single but that's all they manage and we head to the bottom half where OH NEVERMIND.
So all tied at 3 heading into the seventh and Jeremy Giambi walked but unfortunately not all the way to New York to be with his sellout brother and Bryan Price came out to talk to Freddy and I thought they were going to take him out but nope he's still in there and Frank Menechino promptly knocked one out to put them up 5-3 much to my infinite dismay and then Freddy is still in there and Saenz singled and evidently Lou heard me finally and came out to get him and Jeff Nelson came in and David Justice grounded into a fielder's choice and Art Howe came bitching out of the dugout that Bret didn't have his foot on the bag which he did so SHUT UP ART HOWE and then an out later and Satan stole second base and then stupid Terrance Long doubled to score him before we finally get out of the inning and it is 6-3 Oakland and I am unconscious at this point having suffered an aneurysm.
So our turn and Homer has gone AWOL and is off setting clocks in some other part of the house still and with 1 out, Cam walked and Mecir relieved Mulder and Cam stole second and then OH NEVERMIND. So eighth inning and Ryan Franklin relieved Jeff and promptly gave up a single to Saenz and the ever obnoxious train whistle is just blaring away which makes me jump even when I'm only watching on TV like how much do I hate that stupid train and then 2 outs later and stupid Menechino singled and then Hatteberg tripled to score them both making it 8-3 Oakland and I am cheered somewhat by the announcers announcing that the Rangers just lost after trailing Anaheim 6-3 heading into the bottom of the ninth, where they had 2 outs and the bags full and the Shortstop Formerly Known As Honorable at the dish who thought he knocked out a grand slam and CELEBRATED only to oh doh oopsy whoops ack doh have it be CAUGHT thanks to the wind, like gotta love that Texas weather, huh Alex, like I guess Safeco isn't the ONLY place you can't hit homeruns and all I can say is HOW EMBARRASSING to celebrate a non-homerun but that's not nearly as embarrassing as Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman, being the spokesperson for viagra which no man under forty that I know would ever admit to actually NEEDING, which isn't nearly as embarrassing as Rafael announcing: "I guarantee you that everybody in our clubhouse has tried it, and most of them are asking me for it.", I mean first of all, I really didn't want to know that, but second of all, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, have you no discretion, Rafael Palmeiro? Like I'm sure that comment is going to go over amongst his teammates about as well as the one Alex made last year where he was all "I can't play every position" when trying to explain why the Rangers sucked so much and third of all, the common assumption with viagra is that you have trouble um, with OH GOD DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT although it was popular for awhile for people to be trying it "just for kicks" and even if that's the case here where they don't really need it, the makers of viagra have said rather plainly that it isn't real good for you to do that and most PROFESSIONAL athletes except the really stupid ones are pretty careful that way so as not to jeopardize their careers, and I can't fathom an official spokesperson of viagra not pointing out the health risks to the people he has to count on to be in the game day in and day out so I'd imagine they wouldn't be using it unless they had to or they were really, really dumb and with a group of young, supposedly verile and healthy men, perhaps somebody ought to look into drug testing, as impotence is a common side affect of steroids not that I'm accusing Rafael personally as he admitted to "sometimes having trouble" and all I can say is that on my list of Top Ten Things I Don't What To Know Or Think About, Rafael Palmeiro's erectile dysfunction is probably number one.
So then with 1 out, Jeff Cirillo walked and then Carlos walked and then OH NEVERMIND and it's the ninth inning and Oakland wastes Myers' 2 out single and then Billy Koch and his horrifying excuse of a goatee relieve Mecir and can somebody please clue in Billy that his little tuft of hair on his chin is quite nasty looking in addition to being distracting besides because you can't help but stare at his chin wondering WHAT IS THAT and if I were the batter I'd go all Omar Vizquel with a big old tantrum and make him shave that thing off before he was allowed to pitch to me and then with 1 out, Mike walked and then OH NEVERMIND.
