Our Free Agent Is Better Than Theirs

April 6, 2001

Most of you have either read about or heard me rant about or witnessed my theatrical tearing down of his poster the day he signed with them, my extreme indignation about the Alex "Sold My Soul For 252 Million Dollars" Rodriguez deal, so as you can imagine, I was absolutely beside myself for the Seattle "Goin' All the Way" Mariners to beat the Texas "Jinxed Even Worse Than the Reds Are" Rangers.

The game gets off to a fabulous start where we disprove the above mentioned theory of "Rogers and Helling, Then Comes the Shelling" because we shelled Rick "Doh!" Helling big time in the first inning, coming away with 4 runs. Ichiro "Seattle Got the Top Prize Of Free Agents" Suzuki started off with a double, and then Mark "Laura's Never Going To Get Over My Colliding With Jay Last Year, But I Did Good Tonight" McLemore went yard, putting us up 2-0, and then Edgar "You Can't Touch This" Martinez walked and John "I'm A Former Batting Champion Myself" Olerud singled, and Carlos "I Got Lucky" Guillen, with the bases loaded, reached on an error in addition to Edgar scoring. Then, not to be outdone, Tom "Glad To See You're All Better" Lampkin got a single, scoring Olerud to make it 4-0.

I am beside myself with glee.

Jamie "Roommate Of the Moose" Moyer took care of business in the first there, sitting them down 1-2-3, with "3" being A-Rod himself, who hit a pop fly.

I nearly faint I am so happy.

The Rangers got one run back in the 2nd, but I won't bore you with the details seeing as how it's well, the Rangers and you probably don't care about the particulars. I know I don't. At least not with that sellout shortstop of theirs, which is sad on so very many levels really, not just because I am honor-bound as an M's fan to loathe him and not just because he conducted himself so horrifically during the off-season interviews and the signing of and the events prior to and following that farce of a contract and completely, irrevocably breaking my heart in the process, that was just barely on the mend as it was after a certain centerfielder's tacky departure whose name I refuse to even mention, and not to really have a flashback, but I never did get over Randy "Come Back!" Johnson's leaving either, although his wasn't on quite such a sour note, so if one of these so-called superstars wanted to just, oh, I don't know KNOCK IT OFF AND QUIT BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU, that would be great, but also because I used to actually like Texas with their outstanding catcher, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez and now I can't even stomach watching them and having to see Alex prance about in that ugly, ugly uniform.

So here we go 4-1 and in the third inning, when Lampkin knocked one out, (5-1) and the fourth started with McLemore walking and Edgar doubling, which finally brought out Johnny "I've Seen Enough" Oates to make a pitching change, and John said hi to the new pitcher with an RBI double of his own which I thought was really sweet of him. Then Mike "Griffey Who?" Cameron hit a sac fly that scored Edgar and we ended that 7-1.

Bottom of the 4th, Alex whiffed.

And… what's that? Do my ears deceive me? Are those… boos I hear? Is Alex getting booed in his very own home stadium? Why, yes, yes-he is getting BOOED!

"That's a noise ," grinned myself,

'That I simply MUST hear,"

So I paused, and I put a hand to my ear.

And I did hear a sound rising up from the stands,

And I jumped to my feet and I clapped both my hands

No matter the millions that they might have bid,

Those fans will not love him the way that we did,

And though he'll keep playing and eating his Wheaties,

He'll someday be sorry that he got so greedy

And the Whos down in Whoville & the fans in Seattle

Will never forgive that he left us for cattle

For here in this city, we'd have made him a king,

And when the Rangers are bankrupt and still have no ring,

He'll realize M's owners knew what they were doing,

As he steps to the plate, with his new fans still booing.

And long story short, I laugh victoriously for about ten minutes as he goes to take a seat and I'm a big time Dr. Suess fan so expect a lot of references like that.

The 5th inning was uneventful, and then in the 6th, Alex singled. I cursed. Jeff "Curveball" Nelson came in to relieve Jamie and took care of business getting them to hit into a double play and then striking out Ken "Take A Seat!" Caminiti with a curveball so wicked it nearly took your breath away. Inning ends at 7-2.

I hate to even bring this up, but here goes. Bottom of the 7th. Jeff loads the bags full. Lou "What Was I Thinking?" Piniella brings in Norm "What Was Lou Thinking?" Charleton. I shout, "NO! NO! THIS IS NOT A GOOD SITUATION FOR HIM, NO! GET ARTIE!" but Lou does not hear me. I have to leave the room as I am overcome with a deep sense of foreboding. Rafael "Going, Going Gone" Palmeiro promptly hits a grand slam. I run back into the room and stare in disbelief. I believe profanity was also involved. We do nothing in the top of the 8th, (more profanity involved) and then Texas strikes back again and ties it. I have to go lie down.

Ninth inning. We do nothing. I have to be sedated. Alex is up and has the chance to win with one swing of the bat. I hold my breath. He strikes out. I shriek, "HA!" and then have to hold my breath until we get the last out. Palmeiro's up. I get up and begin pacing. He makes the last out. Top of the tenth. I stop pacing and watch. Lampkin walked. I begin to feel a small glimmer of hope. David "Defense" Bell hit a line drive that I thought was a base hit but it was caught. I suffer a small coronary. Ichiro steps to the plate. I actually say out loud, "Now would be an excellent time for your first Major League homerun," and evidently he listens better than Lou because one minute there is a pitch coming towards the plate and the next minute it is landing in the seats in rightfield and I do a cartwheel which is actually a lie as I don't really even know how to do a cartwheel and got a C in gymnastics during P.E. in the 7th grade, AS IF knowing how to do a cartwheel is really going to get me anywhere later in life. Kazu "Hero" Sasaki sits them down and shuts them up and I do another cartwheel (not really) as the Mariners win it, 9-7.