April 5, 2002
Now I have to start out by mentioning the Oakland Athletics’ game yesterday where they were playing the Texas Rangers and Alex "Now Batting .051 Or Something" Rodriguez was hit twice by a pitch from Cory Lidle and A-Rod evidently had words for Cory the second time, insisting that Cory was smiling at him, like, first of all, I’d be smiling too if I’d beaned Alex Rodriguez with a pitch not once but twice even and second of all, I’d especially be cracking up if A-Rod then got LIPPY with me because how laughable is the thought of A-Rod all prissy faced pissed off, I mean I really don’t think you can hold that against Cory because who wouldn’t be majorly cracking up? I mean just shut up and take your base Alex.
"The guy makes a ton of money, but that doesn't mean he's smart. Look at the scoreboard and see that it's a one-run game. I'm not going to hit a guy leading off the inning with a one-run lead." -Cory Lidle on Alex Rodriguez
So we’re back in first place thanks in large part to the rather excellent Mariner debut of James Baldwin, and I was watching the game with my father who, along with me, cracked up when the announcers mentioned that Jason Giambi was booed in New York, like don’t even get me started on how disappointed I was in him for selling out to the pinstripes, and we are quickly underway and Jason’s forsaken brother Jeremy led off with a single but then Frank Menechino grounded into a double play that was started rather magnificently by Jeff Cirillo and the entire time Menechino was at bat you couldn’t help but be distracted with how both he and James had what appeared to be an ENTIRE CASE OF CHEWING TOBACCO lodged in their cheeks. Bleck. So then Scott Hatteberg made the final out and we unfortunately go to commercial and are tortured by WHAT ELSE a Britney Spears Pepsi commercial, this one with a 60s theme and while we’re waiting to get back to the game, I mention to Homer that Edgar’s theme song this year was "the Cup of Life" by Ricky Martin which promptly gives him a MAJOR HOMER FUSSY because he hates Ricky Martin with a blinding passion and he loves Edgar like a son. I suppose I should probably backtrack a little for those of you who don’t remember my father's eccentricities from my reviews last year: he loves Edgar Martinez like I love Jay Buhner, he hates Ricky Martin, he does battle with the mole that is still reeking havoc in his immaculate lawn, I call him Homer (much to his annoyance, although my mother calls him that now too and he answers to it) even though that’s not his name, and he routinely has what I call "Homer Fussies" that are big tantrums.
So anyway, our turn and with one out, Mark McLemore singles and how much do I love Mac anyway, I mean talk about always getting the job done, and as far as I’m concerned, he was a candidate for MVP last year, and speaking of candidates for MVP, up to the plate steps Bret "I’m Goin’ Yard!" Boone who just LAUNCHED ONE to put us up 2-0 and he does his little homerun bat toss that I love and then an out later and John "I’m Goin Yard" Olerud WENT YARD as well and then Mike Cameron was just barely safe at second on an error but we settle for the 3 runs and head to the second inning leading 3-0. So before we can go to the next inning we have to sit through more commercials and there is one where these guys are… rhinoceros tipping. That’s right, these idiot men are tipping over this enormous rhinoceros, like what did the rhinoceros ever do to them and then they take off in their stupid car that I think was what the commercial was advertising and you are meanwhile praying that the rhinoceros, who is right behind them, totally gores the car and eats each and every one of those guys riding in it, but I think rhinos are vegetarians if I am remembering the show I saw on them one time on the Discovery Channel, but sadly enough they escape it and then they spy an elephant or something and thankfully we are spared from having to watch them bother it.
So then David Justice, who is sporting a rather unbecoming goatee that makes him look like Satan, managed to single and I flip him off because I really don’t much care for David Justice on or off the field and then we experience technical difficulties which has me getting extremely agitated and then we get back just in time to see Miguel Tejada ground into a double play thanks to an excellent backhanded snag by Bret and then James K’s Terrance Long just as neat as you please and I have to say I have never seen anyone walk so slowly from the pitcher’s mound to the dugout than James Baldwin in my entire life.
So our turn again and Ben Davis making good use of his first start, singled but that was unfortunately as exciting as it got, so moving right along and James retires the side in order with a lovely strikeout besides and then Bret led off with a walk and then Edgar walked and then Jeremy Giambi threw himself into the stands trying to catch a foul ball but he didn’t get it which made him say a bad word if my lip reading skills are to be trusted and then John Olerud just rips a big nasty double which scored Bret but we settle for the 1 run, and lead the A’s 4-0 as we head to the fourth inning.
So James records another strikeout as the A’s go down 1-2-3 again, and then Desi Relaford led off, and somehow my father missed him the first time around and is all "who the hell is Desi Relaford?" and I explain how we got him and Homer notices Carlos Pena at first base for the A’s and asks, "So what happened to Tino?" and I go "Tino Martinez?" and Homer is all "Yeah, with Giambi in New York, is Tino just riding the pine or what?" and I’m all "He’s in St. Louis!" and then Homer is all "So who did they trade to Oakland?" and I stare at him for awhile before announcing that Giambi was a free agent and I swear to God Homer was in a coma or something for the entire off season which I say to him and he just shrugs and says "If it doesn’t involve the M’s, then I don’t give a(n) [expletive deleted]". So anyway, Desi’s pants look like they are too long and we end up not doing anything, so let us move along to the fifth inning where Justice and his sinister goatee grounded out and then Tejada reached on an infield single that bounced off Baldwin’s foot and Rick Griffin came running out to see if he was okay and Lou started to but Baldwin was having none of that and shooed them away pretty much and a strikeout and fielder’s choice later, it’s our turn where we do absolutely nothing and I have to mention that after Terrance Long struck out, Dave Niehaus was all "See ya, Terrance" which majorly cracked me up for some reason.
So then we go to commercial again and this time it’s that annoying round headed Jack thing from Jack in the Box and he is all threatening to make us watch "Cat Chat" which actually looked far more entertaining than his stupid commercial and I would’ve much preferred watching 2 cats having a tea party than hear about Jack's latest crappy heartburn inducing cheeseburger. So anyway, sixth inning and Carlos Pena unfortunately homered to lead things off but then James gets the next two outs and Hatteberg reached on an infield single which nobody cared about because Satan I mean Justice lined out to end their half. So then Mike Cameron leads off with a double and Jeff Cirillo sacrificed him over to third with a beauty of a bunt, and then Ben Davis singled to score him and an out later and Ichiro is up and while he TOTALLY BEYOND ALL SHADOWS OF A DOUBT DID NOT GO AROUND, the retard sorry excuse of an umpire down at third base says he did which made me use some rather vulgar language.
So 5-1 M’s going into the seventh, and Magnante relieved Eric Hiljus and Mark McLemore flew out and I have to admit that Long made a rather nice catch, and then Bret grounded out and here we go with our 2 outs, so what theory as Edgar reached on an infield single of all things and then John ripped another big nasty double and then they intentionally walked Mike and my father lives for moments such as these and he’s all "are you going to take that, Jeff? MAKE EM PAY!!!!" and then they flash Jeff Cirillo’s rather impressive over .400 batting average with the bags full and he promptly delivers with a single to score two and because I’m my father’s daughter, I’m all "wow, Art, that didn’t work out so well for you" to Art Howe, the A’s manager and then my dad and I giggle as if they can hear us.
So we settle for the 2 runs and head to the eighth inning leading 7-1 and Arthur Rhodes relieves James Baldwin and retired the side in order with 2 strikeouts like "GO ARTIE!" and I have to mention that the blooper they showed at one of the games earlier this week with Artie bbq’ing and dropping one of the burgers he was flipping was hysterically funny but anyway, Holtz relieved Magnante and we don’t do anything, so ninth inning and Shiggy Hasegawa relieved Artie and with a strikeout to Menechino, gave up a harmless single to Hatteberg which was erased as Satan NO WAIT that is David Justice hit into a double play to end the game.
