TEXAS HAS A WHOREHOUSE IN IT (See Below)

April 15, 2002

"This whole series was unbelievable. Texas has a great lineup, although they didn't have Pudge (tonight) or Juan Gonzalez the whole series. But we answered every time, every time." -Bret Boone

So I'm watching my nephews as the game is starting and as soon as my sister walks in, I pretty much go rushing out and into my car where I turn on the radio just as Ichiro is ripping a big nasty double to start things off and then 2 outs later and Ichiro is on third and because I was watching The Nephews at my Mom's office which is only about 10 minutes from my house, I am getting home right as John Olerud singled to score him and I get my car in the garage and run inside to turn on the TV and I've missed seeing Mike Cameron single but I did manage to catch him snagging second which was pretty sweet and then Ruben Sierra ripped a big nasty double himself and scored Ole and Cam and we end up heading to the bottom half leading 3-0 which was an excellent way to start the game, in addition to James Baldwin retiring the first two batters he faced but then Alex Rodriguez managed to coax a walk and at one point during the at bat, he threw himself backwards, not quite falling down, but making a big show of getting away from the ball that was NOWHERE NEAR HIM which Dave Niehaus dryly pointed out as well, and then Rafael Palmeiro walked and that did not make me very happy, but Carl Everett grounded out to end the threat and that DID make me very happy.

So second inning and we're down in order and meanwhile they flash to the stands where Rangers owner Tom Hicks and his general manager, John Hart are watching and I snort which was very unladylike but it really couldn't be avoided as I find Hicks every bit as loathesome as his sellout shortstop and his sellout shortstop's agent, and Dave Niehaus and Dave Valle are talking about how Hicks said that Alex's contract wasn't what was wrong with baseball, and that it was all the mediocre players getting paid too much for their mediocrity that was wrong with baseball, not all the superstars getting paid too much for their dupposed superstar-ity, and just as I was about to point out that Hicks had a few of those "mediocre" chaps on his own team that were getting paid quite a bit, Niehaus said it for me and was like, "Tom Hicks might want to look in the mirror" and Valle pointed out that players are going to get paid more every time the ceiling is raised anyway like, oh I don't know, ONE HUNDRED MILLION MORE DOLLARS THAN ANYONE ELSE is raising the ceiling a damn LOT like MY GOD can TOM HICKS seriously think that Alex Rodriguez's contract has been GOOD for baseball and has not altered other paychecks and not put added strain on all kinds of things ranging from players' attitudes to owners' worries? That man has NO BUSINESS IN BASEBALL. NONE. There ought to be a law that prevents people whose only qualification is having too much money from owning a baseball team. And then Texas is down in order and we go to one of the commercials on FSN trying to tell you about how the Rangers "have a message for their Western Division rivals!" and I'm all "like what, 'we suck'?" majorly cracking myself up in the process.

So then third inning we unfortunately are down in rather dismal order and then... and then with 2 outs, Rusty Greer singled and I suffered a small aneurysm as Alex knocked one out to score 2 and I said a couple of bad words and then rolled my eyes at Tom Hicks standing up clapping for his 252 million dollar paid companion er shortstop which reminds me of when my Mom and sister and I went to see the Best Little Whorehouse In Texas starring my favorite actress, Ann-Margret, a few weeks ago and how neither one of them knew why I cracked up at and was so gleefully singing that song "Texas Has A Whorehouse In It!" all the way home until I explained how that if one were to look up the word "whore" in the dictionary, they might come up with, say... "a venal or unscrupulous person", which, if we were to look up "venal" in the dictionary we'd find "capable of being bought or obtained for money or other valuable consideration : PURCHASABLE; especially : open to corrupt influence and especially bribery" WHICH PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT ALLLLLLLLL UP right there, and so let it be known that I have just named "Texas Has A Whorehouse In It!" as the official theme song for the Texas Rangers for the next 6-9 years (a.k.a. the amount of time Alex is legally required to play there).

So then it is the fourth inning with Seattle leading 3-2 and with 2 outs, one of which was a called K that Ruben did not care for, Carlos Guillen walked and then Dan "The Man" Wilson just ripped a big nasty double to score him and we head to the bottom half now leading 4-2 and Mike Cameron made a sweet catch on a fly ball from Everett & His Big Tacky Necklace and then Gabe Kapler doubled and then Kevin Mench singled which scored him and then a ground out later thanks to a sweet play by Bret and Mench is on second and then Bill Haselman singled and Mench thought he was going to score on it but Mark McLemore thought not and just gunned his butt down at home.

So 4-3 Seattle, fifth inning, and with 1 out, Desi "I'm Goin Yard!" Relaford WENT YARD and we head to the bottom half leading 5-3 in a nice birthday shoutout to me since my birthday is 5-3 and with 1 out, Rusty Greer singled and then Alex flew out like CLAP THAT Mr. Hicks, and then Palmeiro unfortunately doubled and with runners at the corners... Carl Everett and his big tacky necklace knocked one out to take the lead 6-5 and they pan to Alex in the dugout who looks like he is crapping his pants with excitement over this only it's not at all cute like when my 19 month old nephew is filling his shorts and is beet red in the face and looks at you and very seriously says, "poop" which never ceases to crack me up until I have to change him and anyway, Kapler followed that with a single and then Mench was hit by a pitch and then Hank Blalock singled to score 1 and Ryan Franklin took over for James and got the final out and we head to the sixth now trailing 7-5.

"Hitters' park, wind blowing out. Oh, Lord." -Lou Piniella

So then Mike "I'm Goin Yard!" Cameron WENT YARD to lead things off and then Colby Lewis relieved Dave Burba and Ruben Sierra greeted him with a single and Carlos Guillen hit what I thought was going to be a double play but they couldn't turn two in time and really they couldn't turn ONE in time because Alex's foot wasn't on the bag after he got the ball for the force but anyway, Dan Wilson singled, and with runners at the corners, Mark McLemore walked to load the bases and Ichiro singled to score Carlos and tie the game and then Desi Relaford singled to score Dan and Mac and an out later and John Olerud walked but we settle for the 4 runs and lead 9-7 heading into the bottom half where Greer singled with 1 out but then a routine fly ball from A-Rod later and Jeff Nelson relieved Franklin and got Palmeiro out to end the inning.

So seventh inning and Ruben led off with a walk and then Carlos walked right behind him and then Dan Wilson bunted them both over and then Michalak relieved Lewis and Mac hit a sac fly to score Ruben and Ichiro was intentionally walked and then Desi was hit by a pitch but unfortunately didn't charge the shortstop heh and then Van Poppel relieved Michalak and we somehow don't score anymore as we lead it 10-7 going into the bottom half and... Everett walked and then 2 outs later and... Blalock doubled and then... Haselman singled which scored Everett and Arthur Rhodes came in to relieve Jeff and - okay, who let the Bat Boy up there? AND OH CRAP!!!! The Bat Boy TRIPLED to score 2 more and TIE THE GAME AGAIN and oh wait, that is Frank Catalanotto. So finally we get that third out and head to the eighth, 10-all.

John Olerud singled to lead things off and an out later and Luis Ugueto ran for John and an out after that and Luis stole second but we don't score and then Jeff Cirillo comes in to play first base and Alex singled to lead things off and I swore vehemently but I got over it soon enough because Rafael Palmeiro not only grounded into a double play, but Alex just STOOD THERE the whole time, I mean he didn't even TRY to run to second he just stood there like a deer caught in the headlights or perhaps it was the gleam off of Carl Everett's big tacky necklace from the on-deck circle and I giggled and then Everett walked and meanwhile behind him, the rotating advertisement sign said "VIAGRA" and I cracked up because I'm really immature, but that's all the excitement there and we go to the ninth, still all tied.

So then enter John Rocker and Danny leads things off with a single and Charles Gipson came in to run for him and Mac sacrificed him over to second and NO WAIT!! Rocker threw the ball away!! Gipson goes to third and Mac goes to second and Rocker's veins start showing and Ichiro was intentionally walked and then Desi hit a sac fly to score Charles and then we unfortunately settle for the 1 run and head to the bottom half leading 11-10 and Ben Davis is catching and Kazuhiro Sasaki relieved Artie and... Mark McLemore, possessed of demons, drops the ball in leftfield and Mench is safe at second on an error and everyone's just kind of in shock.

"I've never seen Mac do that." -Lou Piniella

So then I am watching in horror as Blalock sacrificed him to third and then Mike Lamb sacrificed him in to tie the game again but luckily the Bat Boy struck out oh no wait that's Catalanotto.

So 11-all going into the 10th inning and I really detest extra innings but not so much when they go our way and Miceli relieved Rocker and with 1 out, Ruben walked and then Carlos singled and Ruben legged it all the way to third like GO RUBEN and then Carlos stole second which surprised the crap out of the Rangers I think and then Mark "I'm Goin All Jay Buhner Like!" McLemore did a TOTAL Jay Buhner and redeemed himself with a single and scored both Carlos and Ruben and as Homer would say when he's feeling triumphant against the Rangers, "up your butt, Texas!"and we head to the bottom half leading 13-11. So then Shiggy Hasegawa relieved Kaz and Rusty grounded out and then A-Rod fouled out and they've meanwhile flashed to Tom Hicks several times throughout this game not looking too happy which serves him right and then I SWEAR TO GOD THE ADVERTISEMENT SAID VIAGRA AGAIN as RAFAEL "SPOKESPERSON" PALMEIRO HIMSELF was at the plate and he unfortunately doubled but Everett grounded out (actually, he was robbed of a base hit thanks to our Super Duper Second Baseman) to end it, thus completing the sweep and pushing us to 8-0 on the road.

 
                                                 Photo AP
"I was rooting for Hasegawa to get the save. I just wanted us to win and leave here." -Kazuhiro Sasaki (and get the save he did)

"One time through the American League West, the Mariners have seen their three opponents - and left two of them for dead." -Larry LaRue, sportswriter