The Anaheim Angels Annoy Me Greatly

April 13, 2001

I'm in shock from that horrifying ninth inning still, so I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to write about it.

It's a big family weekend for me because my mom's birthday is tomorrow and my cousin's birthday is the day after that, but since it's Easter on Sunday, they were having her birthday party tonight at Chuck E. Cheese. And I really don't care for Chuck E. Cheese but I promised my mom I'd go and I'm only sulking a little bit about having to spend my Friday night there, and the reason I'm telling you about this is because this is where I was at during most of the game and because it's my review and I'll tell you what I want.

And so anyway I am driving to pick up my grandfather on the way to the party and this huge gross bug somehow ended up in my car, and being the big wimp that I am, I immediately panic and roll down the window and I'm not a fan of having the windows down for the very reason that I don't want a bug in my car and I am trying to swat it out the window and am meanwhile careening down the road at about 40 mph not at all steering because I'm too busy waving my hands around at the bug, and I finally manage to kill it, and I think it was at that precise moment that I knew the night would not be a good one. The first inning starts with me chasing my three year old nephew through Chuck's, and nearly falling off this jet ski ride thing/video game that he wanted to play, I mean I am all sitting there innocently behind him and I drop in a token and then all of a sudden I am thrown from one side to the other and violently jarred forward and then back and to the side again and this goes on for like a full five minutes I think and my nephew is laughing and I'm shrieking and holding on for dear life and my first thought was that this was going to be a really embarrassing story to tell the ER doctor when I arrived with a broken limb from being pitched off a jet ski at Chuck E. Cheese's, but I manage to hold on to my nephew and not fall off which I thought was pretty remarkable and Mike Cameron walked and Edgar doubled to score him, and then we took care of Anaheim and we left the inning leading by 1.

Second inning. Anthony Sanders doubles. Dan Wilson singles to score him. Carlos Guillen singled. Unfortunately, 1 run is all we got. Who cares what Anaheim did? Not me. 2-0 M's.

Third inning. I don't walk to talk about it. Let's just say the Angels managed to tie it. My three year old nephew and I play table hockey. It smells like feet in that place.

Fourth inning. I choke down the worst pizza I have ever had in my entire life and immediately get heartburn. Chuck E. Cheese himself walks by. The little girl sitting behind me is scared of him and is hysterical crying for nearly 10 minutes. My littlest nephew who is 8 months old, throws my keys on the floor and pulls the straw out of my Pepsi and waves it around. And nothing happens at the ballgame.

Fifth inning. Carlos "Look At Me Go!" Guillen doubles. Then we get 2 outs. They intentionally walk Edgar because they're chicken and I can't say I blame them. Their theory backfires though, and John Olerud rips a single and Guillen scores. We only come away with one unfortunately, and it looks like we made the bottom of the fifth a little sporty, but we come away from it 3-2 M's.

Sixth inning. Scary Chuck E. Cheese robot begins singing onstage. The little girl behind me bursts into tears. I consider doing that myself. I am really tired of Chuck's. Anthony Sanders singles. We can't do anything with it.

Seventh inning. My three year old nephew is sitting on my lap eating birthday cake. He drops some on the floor and swears. I start laughing. My sister didn't hear him, or I would've gotten in trouble because I always get blamed when he says bad words even though I never swear around that kid unless he happens to be in the car with me and I'm behind someone who doesn't use their turn signal and even then I'm fairly conscious of it so I think he probably gets it from her if you want to know the truth and I'm really going to catch a lot of crap for that if she reads this but anyway, nothing happens in the seventh, and I would like to go on record that I have the two cutest nephews you will ever see in your life.

Eighth inning. Boone and McLemore single, but we waste it. I arrive home and am pulling into my driveway when Ichiro makes an AWESOME catch against the wall and then throws the runner out at first for a double play. Niehaus is going nuts on the radio. I run into my house and don't even bother to put my car in the garage and flip on the TV and they are replaying it on one of the sports channels so I get to see it. He rules.

Ninth inning. We get nothing accomplished in the top of the ninth. And in the bottom of the ninth… does anybody really care what Anaheim did? Because it pains me to talk about it. Kaz is in. We're up by one. All should be right with the world. And then Glaus singles. I start pacing. Garret "So On My List Right Now" Anderson hits a homerun. I stare in shock for a full minute at the Anaheim fans celebrating and the Anaheim Angels all running out to greet their hero and I make an obscene gesture towards the TV set and I see Kaz walking dejectedly back to the dugout and it's just not right. How did that happen? Kaz doesn't blow saves. He sits people down. And then he smiles. And then he bows to and hi-fives his teammates. And then I am all happy and victorious and smug and delighted with the win. It's the way of things. I'm a creature of habit. I don't like changes in my routines, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist they take the next five games in a row so that I may recover fully.

And all I can say is how cool is it to have a closer so good that a blown save like tonight shocks you to the point of almost vomiting your Chuck E. Cheese pizza?