SWEEPIN' IT UP

April 11, 2002

So having arrived in Jackpot, Nevada this morning, I had spent the day playing blackjack and drinking White Russians and talking to a woman at one of the tables who knew our old reliever Rob Ramsay and since I was wearing a Mariners tshirt, she had asked if I knew who he was and I said of course and we started chatting away about him and he is married to her best friend’s daughter and is evidently quite a nice guy and is going through chemotherapy right now since they discovered a brain tumor last winter which was very scary and then we talked about how last year at spring training she got to meet some of the players and their families and she sat with Suzy Boone (Bret’s wife) who she says is an absolute sweetheart and I wanted to ask her if she knew whether or not Bret went commando but I hadn’t had enough to drink at that point and so I refrained from doing so.

So I settled down in the sports lounge to watch the game since I wasn’t having much luck at the tables and I was tired of the very drunk man falling over on me and hacking up body parts while he sucked down about 20 cigarettes in the space of 5 minutes but he was far preferable to the stupid man who SPLIT SIXES WITH A SEVEN SHOWING NO LESS and nearly gave me a seizure in doing so, I mean how retarded do you have to be to split SIXES, ESPECIALLY when the dealer isn't showing a bust card! MY GOD!!! There really should be a test people have to take before being allowed to play blackjack and while I’m on that subject, if I look happy that means I’m winning and you should NOT COME SIT DOWN AT MY TABLE AND MESS UP MY CARDS IF YOU ARE RETARDED AND SPLIT SIXES OR TAKE THE DEALER’S BUST CARD OR TAKE A YEAR TO FIGURE OUT YOUR HAND I MEAN IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO COUNT TO 21 FOR GOD’S SAKE and anyway, I talked the sports guy into playing the sound for my game instead of the other 5,000 going on at the same time and I have to say that trying to watch one TV on a wall of TV’s is very disconcerting when you’re a little bit tipsy besides and they are showing a replay of the Phillies catcher making this sweet catch on one TV and there are these weird cheerleaders on this other TV and then there is Gwen Stefani of No Doubt singing about the NBA which I can’t hear since it’s not on my game station and I have meanwhile settled into one of the comfy leather chairs and I’m trying not to get distracted by the many TVs as I watch the game and we don’t do anything in the first and neither does Anaheim unless you count Darin Erstad singling and stealing second which I don’t because he didn’t score.

So I’m getting really tired of people walking right in front of me and I rather ingeniously stretch out my legs which alleviates that problem by forcing people to walk around them AND I get the added bonus of watching people almost trip and then during the second inning nothing much exciting happens except that Ruben Sierra singled and then Carlos Guillen walked which we somehow manage to waste and I am distracted by another TV showing this rather disturbing commercial where a cow and a bear are sitting at a counter in a diner and the cow pulls one of my grandfather’s favorite tricks of loosening the sugar container so that when the bear goes to put the sugar in his coffee it all spills out and it would've been funny except the bear looked so sad and the cow starts laughing and then the bear eats a cheeseburger which makes the cow stop laughing and my attention is finally turned back to the game as Anaheim is down in order and we move along to the third where we do nothing and Anaheim does nothing except for Eckstein’s harmless single, so moving right along to the fourth and Edgar was hit by a pitch and I drew a few glances when I shrieked indignantly on his behalf a lot louder than I meant to but then Mike "I’m Goin Yard!" Cameron WENT YARD to put us up 2-0 and then Ruben singled but that’s all we manage and we head to the bottom half where Troy Glaus singled and stole second but nobody cared.

So fifth inning and we are down in order and then unfortunately Anaheim came back to tie it as Scott Spiezio singled and then an out later and Adam Kennedy singled and Eckstein singled to score 1 and then Darin Erstad was safe on an error by Freddy Garcia and I am all trying not to swear and instead managed a polite "DOH!" instead and Garrett Anderson hit a sac fly to score another run and then a wild pitch and a fly out later we are blessedly out of the inning, 2-all.

So sixth inning and Bret Boone walked and then Edgar doubled and an out later and Ruben Sierra walked to load the bases and Carlos Guillen singled and Bret scored and then Edgar was thrown out trying to score and I am all "WHO THE HELL SENT EDGAR?" to the guy sitting next to me and he’s all "not me, I swear" and I cracked up because that was kind of funny and I was kind of drunk, and then Edgar got up kind of like his leg was bothering him and Dan Wilson walked and then Charles Gipson was hit by a pitch which forced in a run and then Desi Relaford singled which scored another and then Donne Wall relieved Scott Schoeneweiss and Jeff Cirillo ripped this big nasty double to clean off the bases and I started laughing because both the outfielders ran into the wall in unison trying to get it and we end up heading to the bottom half leading 8-2 and we move some players around only I was fairly loaded at this point and didn’t notice until just now while I was reading the game log and the Angels are down in order.

So seventh inning and we’re down in order and they show that weird cow and bear commercial again and then some weird one with Mike Piazza and Alf hawking long distance for some telephone company and 2 runs and an out later and Shiggy Hasegawa relieved Freddy and 1 pitch and 1 double play later we are heading to the eighth inning leading 8-4.

So anyway, we waste Charles’s 2-out single and then Anaheim is down in order and then Lou Pote relieved Wall and we’re down in order but not before Edgar majorly hurts SOMETHING trying to run out a grounder and I am all "OH [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! OH NO! OH GOD EDGAR IS HURT! WHAT HAPPENED WHAT HAPPENED!" and the guy next to me is panicking a little himself although I’m not sure whether it was on Edgar’s behalf or my increasingly loud shrieking and then we go to the bottom of the ninth where Adam Kennedy singled with 2 outs and then went to second on indifference and that was as exciting as it got for the Angels and all I can say is that Edgar had better be alright.