Spring Training 2004
March
25th - 29th
Thursday, March 25th
So my friend Val and I headed down to Peoria, Arizona to take in
Mariner Spring Training, and since our flight left at 5:45 a.m. we didn't
go to bed and were a bit punch drunk when we arrived at the airport at 3:45 that
morning and as we were waiting to board, they announced on the TV that was there
that Alex "The Pinstriped Shit Lipped Sellout" Rodriguez had just taken a
baseball off the cheek which made Val and I laugh all the way to
Phoenix. And before anyone starts bitching that you shouldn't laugh when
people get hurt, he wasn't KILLED or anything for God's sake, so settle down.
Anyway, we arrive in Phoenix and my super cute pink strappy sandals are
killing me so I'm already barefoot and on the lookout for tarantulas and since
our hotel's website said they were only 3 miles from the ballpark, we had opted
not to rent a car and so we instead made our way to the shuttle thing and let me
just say THIS WAS A VERY BAD IDEA and about 75 years and 50 trips through the
airport to pick up MORE passengers later, we finally are on the road to our
hotel, and our driver drops the bomb that our hotel is actually more like TEN
miles from the ballpark instead of THREE and we are not very happy, and this is
made worse by the woman who will NOT STOP TALKING about trees native to the
area, like who really cares what the names of all the trees are anyway?
So naturally, we are the LAST stop and we finally get to our hotel and head into
the lobby where we meet these two guys Ron and Tony who are very
excited about "The Yellow Bandit" which was this horribly yellow Monte
Carlo that they had rented and they are there for spring training too and they
took the last room with 2 beds so that means Val and I will be sharing a
king size bed which Ron & Tony find uproariously funny and anyway,
Ron and Tony offer us a ride to the ballpark which we gladly
accept and go dump our stuff in the room and I do a quick check for tarantulas
and yes I am paranoid but I really hate spiders and don't like surprises.
So Ron and Tony, henceforth known as The Yellow Bandit Boys,
came prepared, and had cold beer waiting for us when we got back down to the
parking lot, which Val proceeded to slam four of as we took the 10 minute
ride to the ballpark and she was feeling no pain as we headed out to the field
which was quite a lot bigger than I expected it to be and I wasn't feeling much
pain either even though I had only had 1 beer at that point, because I am a
cheap date and don't do well in the heat besides and there is Bret and
there is Edgar and there is Jamie and there is this funny little
boy sitting in front of us eyeing my nachos so I shared with him because I'm
sweet like that and meanwhile it is about 400 degrees outside so I am coated in
my SPF 6000 sunblock and the game starts and Jamie is pitching very well
and Val has to go find some shade because the combination of beer, sun
and no sleep is not really great and then she broke her sunglasses which didn't
help matters and I got a super sweet picture of Bret stealing second
which I will be putting up on the site just as soon as I can figure out how to
download stuff from my sister’s digital camera that she let me borrow, genius
that I am, and there is this stupid Yankee fan sitting in front of us who
is very annoying and who I hope gets bit by a big hairy spider.
So after the game, we find The Yellow Bandit Boys and as we're heading
back to the hotel, I can't help but notice it's taking a very long time and my
sun and Mike's Hard Lemonade combo is catching up with me and I passed out in
the backseat for the remainder of our journey which for some reason took like
over an hour and I think we may have possibly found someone with a worse sense
of direction than me.
So we get back to the hotel and Val and I have to take a nap and can I
just say that Val is a big time spooner.
So we get up and go to dinner and then do a little shopping and hang out and
then decide to go swimming and by the time we return to the hotel, we are beyond
sure that not having a rental car is NOT GOING TO WORK, and by the way, the
M’s won earlier and I am happy to report that there are STILL NO TARANTULAS
in our hotel room.
Friday, March 26th
So the first thing we do when we get up the next morning is rent a car which we named The Shocker Rocket and which will likely have NO TREAD by the time we return it as I immediately begin driving like a bat out of hell, which is what you're supposed to do with rental cars and how we came up with the name "Shocker Rocket" is a long and inappropriate story that I won't be divulging here as it's one of those things that I will get to the end of and no one will think it is funny but Val and I and anyway, we head to the ballpark where it's still super hot and I am already on my 5th coat of sunblock and we are unsuccessful in our quest for autographs again today and the M's win and I could get into more game detail but to be quite honest, nothing much exciting went on and after the game, Val and I went to a little amusement park and rode the roller coaster and the other 2 cool rides that they had there and quite frankly it was a waste of money but we had fun anyway and I daresay so did the 15 year old boy sitting in front of us on the roller coaster who turned around and stared down my shirt, little pervert that he was.
So then Val and I headed to Ace Tattoo on 59th & Olive, which I highly recommend and I got the sweetest tattoo ever on the small of my back which quite frankly, hurt very much badly and was far more painful than any of my other tattoos (ankle, foot, shoulder and someplace my mother won't let me talk about) put together, and I'm pretty sure that Val's hand is broken, but even she will admit that it was well worth it.
Laura's Kickass New Tattoo
So then I was a little bit sad that I hadn't remembered I couldn't go in chlorine water for a couple of weeks after getting a tattoo because it was really hot and I really wanted to go swimming and I had a cute new bathing suit and everything, and it's fairly late at this point and we had to be up at the crack of dawn for the balloon ride so we head back to our hotel room where the bottom front of The Shocker Rocket hit the driveway pretty hard (and at full speed) which made us laugh for a really long time.
Saturday, March 27th
So, there was no game today and we got up mass early to go on a hot air balloon ride, and we finally get to the spot after riding in this scary van with some dude from Missouri who would NOT SHUT UP THE WHOLE WAY and NEWSFLASH Missouri Guy, NOBODY CARES ABOUT MISSOURI and they finally get the balloon blown up and then Captain Cliff is all "passengers in!" and so I go barreling into the basket that you have to climb up the side of to get in, and Val wasn't paying attention and missed me climbing up and over and thought I had somehow managed to hurtle myself in like some kind of professional athlete which is truly uproariously funny because I don't even RUN anywhere let alone catapult myself into hot air balloon baskets with great ease, I mean anyone who knows me would probably be surprised that I didn't just make someone pick me up and SET ME IN the basket, and the guy has to show Val how to climb in which made me shout "TIMMAY!" at her, which you have to watch Southpark to understand, and off we go and we're totally hoping to get like WAY HIGH UP like some of the other balloons are going but Captain Cliff is all "it's very windy and they're not going to go anywhere but straight up and straight down and we're going to go quite a ways over there at THIS altitude!" and it's like "listen here Captain Cliff, there is nothing but MORE CACTUSES AND SAND AND DEAD DRIED UP STUFF OVER THERE being that this is the goddamned DESERT and we would RATHER go straight up and down!" but we unfortunately don't get our way and we got up in the air a fair distance but nowhere near as high as we wanted to and I have to say that the landing was the best part and this so wasn't worth $125 bucks but Val and I made up for it by guzzling most of the champagne breakfast we had and can I just say that "champagne breakfast" really isn't what I would call the grocery store cheap champagne, crappy muffins and bananas we were offered.
So then we go and have a real breakfast and head off to the Phoenix Zoo which I am sorry to say SUCKED A GREAT DEAL as most of the animals were hiding, and there wasn't much of anything to look at unless you count the bear's ass we managed to glimpse in the corner of his habitat, I mean one can only look at so many turtles, and we just barely got to see a lioness that was hiding behind a rock, and the tiger was somewhat obliging by getting a drink where we could see him before flopping down in the shade and then we saw these red-assed baboons that looked like they were in heat or something because their horrifying red-asses were like ENGORGED, and Val and I, being immature, found this hilarious, although it could've just been the sun getting to us, and then Val is all "check out the big DUDE baboon, he is like playing hard to get because it's so hot" or something like that and for some reason "dude baboon" struck me so funny that I laughed for about 20 minutes and sadly, this was the highpoint of the whole zoo adventure.
So then we go visit my friend Carmelle that I used to work with before she moved down to Scottsdale and she has two kids now that I got to meet, Dylan who is 4 and will only wear his Spiderman underpants BACKWARDS so he can see Spiderman on them, and Sassi who is 3, and who will only wear dresses and who nearly killed me when she stood up, stomped her foot and shouted "NOT AGAIN!" before running to the bathroom to go #1 because she evidently hates any interruptions to her playing, and then we went back to the hotel so that Val could ice her knee and then we went shopping at this cool little outdoor mall and then we went to Fat Tuesdays where I got a bit liquored up on my fruit punch daiquiri and then we went to dinner at the Macaroni Grill which was excellent, and I proceeded to down a few vanilla vodka & diet cokes and I was beyond drunk by the end of the evening, much to the dismay of those who were then treated to a Drunken Laura Phone Call since I call everyone I know pretty much when I've been drinking.
Sunday, March 28th
So we got up early to go to the game and hopefully get a few autographs but thanks to this stupid bitch named Suzie who would not hand my ball to Bret Boone, we were denied yet again although I did get a good picture of Bret and I would like to point out in case there is any confusion, that I am not speaking of Suzy Boone, Bret's wife, but this stupid, shriveled up, leathery skinned 65 year old COW who should not be allowed to go to a spring training game where she can hog the autograph space and get between Bret and I EVER AGAIN.
So it's beyond hot and Freddy is pitching and getting his ass kicked, so Val and I decide to go out to the parking lot where the Mariners park their cars and see if we can't meet some as they leave and we make friends with the security guard there who used to be an umpire and who worked security for the Arizona Diamondbacks when they went to the World Series, and he had a World Series ring from that which he let Val and I wear and then Joel Pineiro's wife who is very pretty and very nice, walked by us with their son who is very cute and finally, after about 4 hours in the 98 degree heat, we start spotting some Mariners and Shiggy waves and drives right by us and Ryan Franklin, Ichiro and Rick Aurilia don't even wave when they leave and Bret zooms off in his little black Porsche convertible which made me very sad and then John Olerud waved after I shouted "JOHN OLERUD, I AM GETTING HEATSTROKE JUST FOR YOU!" but he still doesn't come over to sign my goddamn baseball much to my infinite dismay, he just gets in his own little black Porsche convertible and leaves and no one is stopping and we're getting hotter, sweatier, more sunburned and more irritable by the minute, and then Dan Wilson, BLESS HIS BEAUTIFUL HEART, stopped and signed for everyone and was very nice and let me take his picture and how much do I LOVE DAN WILSON, not that I don't love the others, who were no doubt long since at their air conditioned rented luxury houses laughing about how long they can "make those stupid bastards stand in the hot sun getting heatstroke waiting for an autograph" and then Freddy stopped and signed a few, and he was listening to some Ricky Martin sounding music and sang in Spanish to me while he signed my baseball which was kind of funny and then Holli Martinez drove up in a big black Escalade to pick up Edgar and while Willie Bloomquist was stopped autographing for the others, Holli stopped the Escalade next to Val and Edgar rolled down the window to sign for us and I became so flustered that I dropped my bag of baseballs which then rolled everywhere and I accidentally Sharpie'd my boob through my shirt in my fluster and can I just say GOD BLESS HOLLI MARTINEZ, because you could tell Edgar was tired and just wanted to go home but Holli had probably been like "those poor girls are getting heatstroke for you, you should sign some autographs" and made him do it and so I pretty much now adore Holli Martinez like you can't even begin to understand and in one of the pictures I took where you can see Val freaking out in the reflection of the passenger window, you can also see Holli about to crack up over what big dorks we are and meeting Edgar was TOTALLY WORTH ruining my tank top with permanent marker.
So we also spotted Rick Griffin (the trainer) who appeared vastly amused when I shouted hello to him, and Mr. and Mrs. Chuck Armstrong and Rick Rizz and Dave Niehaus and Ron Fairly and Dave Valle but no Jay Buhner and the only other person who stopped was Bob Melvin who our security friend says always stops for fans, and being the awesome manager that he is, not only did he let me get my picture taken with him, but he REMEMBERED ME FROM FANFEST AND SAID HE LIKED MY WEBSITE which, had there been any liquid at all in my body after four hours in the desert sun, probably would've made me pee myself.
So then Val and I made our way back to the Shocker Rocket and we went out to dinner with one of Val's buddies Betty that SHE used to work with that had also moved down to the area and I drank like a VAT of ice water at the restaurant because I was so beyond dehydrated at this point that it really wasn't very funny and then I showed off my new tattoo for Betty and her boyfriend in the parking lot and the rest of the evening passed in a bit of a blur due to the heatstroke I had, and you think I'm kidding I'm sure, but we were QUITE OUT OF IT, though I do remember that upon entering the hotel parking lot at about 70 mph, I DID get the Shocker Rocket airborne over the driveway which was pretty sweet, and we ended up going to see a movie since there wasn't much exciting going on on Sunday night.
Monday, March 29th
So we got to the ballpark early to watch them practice on the practice fields which turned out to be kind of a bust as far as meeting anyone else went, although we did have fun watching them take BP and listening to them mess with each other, and the only really bummer part of the morning was when I was nearly attacked by the biggest fucking cricket I have EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and even though Homer hates it when I use the f word, I really had to do it in this instance because there is no other way to properly describe the enormity of this BIG FUCKING CRICKET, which was so big that no one would kill it despite my increasingly hysteric shrieking to do so.
So after practice and the cricket attack, we headed into the complex to watch the game and we lost again but nobody really cared because it was spring training and it made me very sad to see Arthur Rhodes in an A's uniform and I got some really great pictures of the guys in the dugout, including a really funny one of Ichiro frowning at me, I guess because he was tired of my dugout stalking but anyway, we couldn't take standing by the parking lot for another four hours in the hopes that someone would stop again, so we decided to go to the Wildlife Safari which turned out to be EXTREMELY COOL and we wished we would've gone there instead of the crappy Phoenix Zoo on Saturday and I immediately alert everyone IN the Wildlife Safari to the fact that I am a complete boob as I shriek "BABY KITTIES!" upon entering and spotting the baby tigers that I ran over to like the retarded nerd that I am, and they had jaguars, lions, a family of wolves, a rhinoceros, all kinds of birds, monkeys, you name it pretty much, and we got to feed the giraffes and we totally had a blast there.
So then we headed back to downtown Phoenix where we hit the Hard Rock Cafe like all good tourists do and did some more shopping before catching our plane home which was delayed and we finally get up in the air and I am sitting in the middle seat which always sucks and Val is by the window and this poor blonde guy sitting next to me is having to deal with me being a little rummy after having taken a couple of shots at the airport bar being the nervous flyer that I am, and I am all telling him "hey, I got a new tattoo!" and he was like "cool" and then I was all "hey, I met Edgar Martinez!" and he was all "lucky girl" and then I was all "and I met Dan Wilson too!" and he was all nodding and then I was all "and Bob Melvin likes my website!" and his eyes got kind of big and then I decide I'm going to take a nap which probably relieved him and I tell Val to wake me up if I start snoring which evidently I did, because she elbowed me awake a few minutes later and I told the blonde guy "hey, I was snoring!" and he really didn't know quite what to make of me by this point and then Val spilled her diet Dr. Pepper all over the place and I told him "hey, Val just spilled her diet Dr. Pepper all over the place!" which makes Val and I laugh really hard and he still just looked kind of scared and not all that amused and then our plane finally lands and someone opens an overhead compartment in front of us and I go "hey, is that your little pink suitcase?" and he was like "oh yeah" and I think he was very glad to get away from us and I highly recommend going to spring training if you ever get the chance.