Best Vs. Best - When Atlanta Met Seattle

June 13, 2003

So this game began with my friend Val and I heading out to see the first-ever game between the Atlanta Braves (best of the National League and Shelly's most favorite team in all the land) and the Seattle Mariners (best of the American League and I think you all know where they stand with me) and Val and I laughed all the way to Safeco Field about the show Crank-Yankers and one skit in particular when they have a guy pretend he's retarded when he calls people and I can't remember the premise of the call now, but somehow the person being crank called mentions bread, and the guy pretending to be retarded is all "bread makes me poop!" which, and I suspect this is because we're retarded ourselves, absolutely kills Val and I no end.

So anyway, we arrive at Safeco Field no thanks whatsoever to the idiot pedestrians and we get parked and head in and grab our beer and wander around and the first thing we notice is that there are a boatload of Braves fans there, which is in strict violation of my golden rule that Thou Shalt Not Root Or Show Support In Any Way For the Away Team because that irritates me no end, not to mention it's classless and tacky, and I can't help but notice that 99% of the Braves fans here in attendance are some really scary looking people, or what Shel refers to as "hilljacks", and I'm pretty sure that these people have never seen a dentist and judging from their long, stringy hair in messy ponytails tucked under their hats, I'm relatively certain that shampoo is an unknown concept as well, and do not even get me started on their revoltingly filthy flannel shirts over their dirty Atlanta tees or I just might shudder myself to death and when I convey all of this to Shel later, I was like "you would not have allowed them to root for your team they were so gross, and you would've been slapping the Braves hats off of these paste-eaters" and she's like "yeah, that's why I pay $200 a seat at Turner Field to sit in the rich people section so I don't have to be surrounded by those hilljacks" and after having witnessed some of these people up close, I have to say it's got to be worth every penny and I feel obliged to mention, since the Braves are from the south and have a lot of country-loving fans, that you should please take note there is a big BIG difference between Hilljacks (the scary trash Braves fans mentioned above) and Rednecks (Jay Buhner, Jeff Nelson, Ben Davis, Laura, Shel, Homer, etc.) as we all wash our hair and have nice teeth and don't walk around Safeco Field in Braves hats and before anyone thinks that Shel might walk around Safeco in a Braves hat, she would adhere to my Thou Shalt Not Root Or Show Support In Any Way For the Away Team rule and just sit in the visitor's dugout with them.

So anyhow, we get to our seats and the game is underway soon enough and with 1 out, Marcus Giles singled but Freddy struck out Gary Sheffield and Chipper Jones to end their half and meanwhile they show this bloopers reel that features Ben Davis dancing in the dugout and I always thought Ben was cute, but now I think he's EXCEPTIONALLY cute and then with 1 out, Mark McLemore ripped a big nasty double and then an out after that and... Edgar... reached on what they ruled was an infield single and it was just all very odd because the Braves SS, Rafael Furcal, came up with the ball and threw to first only Edgar was the only one there and he certainly wasn't going to catch it bless his heart and anyway, Mac had gone to third and Gar went to second and Mac scored on the error and we lead it 1-0 and then John Olerud singled which scored Edgar and we lead it 2-0 as we head to the second and I just kind of sit there going "whoa"..

So second inning and after Andruw Jones led off with a single, Robert Fick flew out thanks to Ichiro making an excellent, excellent catch, and Andruw had already rounded second and Ichiro threw back to first but the ball wouldn't stay in John Olerud's glove and you see Jeff Cirillo say something to the ump and the guy sitting next to Val is going ballistic screaming that Andruw didn't tag second on his way back to first, which I have to explain you have to do to the guy sitting next to ME because he kept asking me "what's going on?" and was all confused and sure enough the umps concur Andruw didn't hit the bag on his way back and Andruw has to go sit down and if it were any other team, I would have enjoyed this immensely, but because it is Shel's Braves, I felt kind of like the Grinch when his small heart grew 3 sizes that day because I felt bad for Andruw, not that I wasn't grateful for the out, but still it was very odd not to just automatically shriek with glee when the opposing team messes up, and what happened next, well - at Safeco they say, that Laura's small heart grew a size on that play.  So the Braves end up down in order after that, and we don't fair any better, after Russ Ortiz retires us with 3 groundouts in a row.

"I was going out for a relay and didn't see it. That was sharp." Bret Boone on Jeff Cirillo's heads up call to the umps on Andruw not hitting second on his way back

So third inning and Matt Franco led off with a single and then Vinny Castilla struck out and we pulled off a sweet strike em out throw em out DP which I always love, and which was extremely fortunate as Furcal walked and then went to second on a wild pitch from Freddy, but Giles fouled out to end the threat.

So bottom of the third, and we're down in order and I help Val select her All-Stars on her ballot and point out helpfully that "Javy Lopez is a stunningly beautiful man" when she is unable to decide on who to vote for in the National League catchers department, and off we go to the fourth inning where Gary Sheffield grounds out and I really don't care for Sheffield after the fit he threw as a Dodger when A-Rod's farce of a contract came about but Shel insists that Atlanta has reformed him into a model citizen so I will take her word for it and not Sheff-Bash, and then Chipper struck out again and Chipper is to Shel as Jay is to Laura, only Shel relates to Chipper in a tough-love-realism kind of way and encourages him with such helpful phrases as "don't swing at that you assclown!" where back in the day with Jay I would've been more like "the pitcher cheated!  the pitcher cheated!" and anyway, the reason I'm mentioning all of this is because I cracked up thinking about how Shel was probably at that very instant shaking her head at the TV and saying "good job, dumbass" to Chipper which, after all that explaining was probably not all that funny to begin with and ANYWAY, Andruw reached on an infield single and Fick walked, but Javy, bless his beautiful self, flew out and off we go to the bottom half where we are down in order yet again.

So fifth inning and Freddy nicely retires the side in order and I think it is around this time that Val and I decide to go walk around for a bit because we can no longer handle the idiot woman behind us shrieking "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!" every time a foul ball is hit and we head over towards the bullpens and meanwhile, we waste Ben Davis's 2 out single that was followed by Ichiro's infield hit and Shel (all Shel verbiage is in red) was nice enough to provide me with some commentary via email:

Tonight, TBS had Robert Fick, the Braves 1st baseman, mic'd. He was talking to Ben Davis who was on 1st base and he said, "Nobody is slower than me".  Ben kinda laughed and then Robert added, "cept Edgar". Ben definitely laughed then Fick said, "If you try to steal, I'm gonna trip you". Davis said, "I'm not going anywhere Robert".  

I hope this is helping you as I assume you are probably drunk at the game at this point. I also hope that you threw something at Chipper or at least screamed Herpes Boy at him in my honor.

So in case any of you are wondering, "Herpes Boy" is an affectionate nickname of Chipper's that Shel came up with when Chipper was sporting some huge cold sores and it just kind of stuck what with the whole tough-love thing and anyway, sixth inning and Val and I are watching the game from the 100 level just above the Braves' bullpen, and we watch this drunk hilljack stumble down the stairs, scream "BRAVES RULE!" and drunkenly wave his tomahawk around and unfortunately, he doesn't trip and fall like I was hoping he would and all I can say is that bread definitely makes HIM poop, and Atlanta is retired in order, although I did fret a bit with both Marcus Giles and Chipper because from where I was standing, it looked like they had hit the ball out but lucky for us they did not and then Bret led off with a big nasty double and Gar grounded him over to third but that's where we left him because they intentionally walked Olerud and the sound guys played the chicken noise which always kills me but that was as exciting as it got.

So seventh inning and around this time they announce that Roger Clemens got his 300th win finally not that anybody gives a good goddamn and I mention this only because everyone, including me, started booing which I thought was a riot, and I'll just let Shel take it from here: 

Top of the 7th Furcal up for Atlanta. Hits a bunt, Freddy attempts to field it and it bounces off his glove and he still somehow manages to barehand it and throw out Furcal... possibly the quickest runner to 1st in baseball with the possible exception of Ichiro... out at first.  As Freddy's heading back to the mound he gets a big ole shit eating grin on his face. Joe Simpson (former Seattle Mariner during the 70's until 1982 current TBS announcer)...."yeah, go ahead and smile big boy, that was one fine defensive play."

For the record, Don Sutton and Joe Simpson are both loving Seattle - the city, the ball park and the team. They are in agreement that it has more of the look and feel of a National League park. Whatever the hell that means.

Early in the game they referred to the M's as the best defensive team in baseball, hands down.

They however do not like the fact that Ichiro has his first name on his uniform. They think it's insulting to other players who are known by their first names or a nickname. They did acknowledge that it probably had something to do with being from Japan and that first names and surnames worked differently there so they just didn't understand why the exception was made for him. They are going to look into it. Heh.

"Freddy Garcia was fabulous, to hold a team with that kind of offense down as he did." - Bob Melvin

Fick is running thru the dugout trying to tell all the Braves everything he knows about your pitchers because he's the only one who has faced any of them and they didn't get very good early scouting reports. Doh.

Artie just almost hit Chipper. That would not have been cool. But then again, at least he would have been on base which would have been a first for the evening. He looks fucking lethargic to me. I'm not sure if he's high, sick or just indifferent. Doh, he just walked and Ben Davis took exception to the ball 4 call. It was below his knees. I'm surprised he didn't take a golf swing at it. But it's all for naught as Cirillo just made another death defying play off of Andruw's bat and got CJ out on 2nd to end the inning.

"I didn't think I'd get it. I just went as far as I could and dove.  Then, it was in my glove. It's special to make that play in a game like that. It was as loud out there as I've heard it this year." - Jeff Cirillo

They are now showing Dave Niehaus...

Joe Simpson - "one of my favorites and he certainly supported me and helped me when I got into this business"

Don Sutton - "Did a terrific job with the angels before he got a chance to be a pioneer up here."

On Safeco Field - "I'm certainly enjoying this incredible ball park, everything we'd heard about it is true and then some."

Don - "I can't believe the number of fans here."

Joe - "Yeah, and they've stayed for the whole game! They actually want to see how it ends."

They were just reliving the tremendous error during the 1st inning when Robert Fick was looking for the ball in the outfield when Furcal had actually fielded it at SS and threw over to Fick who was waving his arms in the air at Andruw in Center Field and totally missed the throw that sailed over his head. Good thing the throw was high or it would have knocked him silly.

Oops Ortiz just doinked someone (EDGAR!). He didn't do it on purpose. Sorry. It was only the 2nd time he's hit someone this year.

1,998 hits for Olerud as of the bottom of the 8th inning.

All State Good Hands Play of the game.... "Cirillo picked the pockets of Andruw Jones and threw Chipper Jones out at 2nd."

Jaysus. Nelson just made Julio Franco look like a chump. That's embarrassing.

FYI - Up until tonight the Braves had homered in 9 straight games.

Javy managed to catch up to Nelson's fast ball to ground out for out #2.

Christ, Nelson's slider is fucking wicked. Matt Franco didn't know if it was coming or going. 2 strikes. Full count. Leo is rocking in the dugout and Bobby is yanking his hat off and on his head. Striiike 3. This one belongs to the M's.

If the boys can't even keep track of where the ball is long enough to keep runs from scoring they deserve to lose. Nice game.

 Don Sutton - "Good ball game here at Safeco Field. Good pitching made it close, good defense kept it close, bad defense didn't help."

It was only the 2nd win this season when scoring 3 runs or less for Seattle.

45,000 plus in attendance. They are very impressed by this.

So the M's win it 2-1 and I have to say that if this is a preview of the World Series I may not be able to stand it because every last pitch and play was pretty much do or die and I tend to get a bit stressed out anyway, being of such a high-strung nature  - however, it was certainly exciting, and I have to admit that there would be something to actually HAVING the two best teams in baseball BE at the World Series as it's been a long time since that happened (shoutout to the crapass Yankees of 2001).