I Am Displeased

May 25, 2003

So this stupid game began with things immediately looking bad as Jacque Jones led off with a walk and then an out later and goddammit if Corey Koskie didn't walk as well and then Bobby Kielty singled which scored Jones and then Torii Hunter walked to load the bases and just as you're wondering what in the hell is wrong with Ryan Franklin tonight, Todd Sears grounded into a double play.

So bottom of the first and Ichiro led off with a single that was promptly erased by Carlos Guillen's double play and we end up down in order, so moving right along, Dustan Mohr leads things off for the Twins with a big fat homerun and I throw the remote and shriek "GODAMMIT!" because we all know what a good and mature sport I am, and then AJ Pierzynski singled and I fling the TV guide as far as I can which isn't very far because it's paper so it just sort of flutters away which did not help my mood in the least and we manage to get out of inning without anyone else scoring and then we're down in order.

Third inning.  Minnesota does nothing for once, and neither do we, unless you count wasting Ben Davis's two out single which just made me mad, so let's not talk about that and really, let's not talk about Torii Hunter leading off the fourth with a walk or the fact that we were down in order in our half, because it's all very depressing and the fact still remains that's it's 2-0 Twins as we go to the fifth.

This was pretty much the only part of the game I enjoyed, because in addition to basically not hitting a goddamn thing all evening, the ESPN guys who annoy me mightily were broadcasting the game so I had to mute it, and anyway, Chris Gomez led off with a single and then Jones singled and Gomez went to third and as Ichiro threw it in, the cut off man (Carlos Guillen) caught it and threw it to first base and caught Jones trying to get back to it which was a very unconventional way to get an out, but I'll certainly take it, and then Cristian Guzman flew out to right and Jones thought he'd tag up and score but Ichiro thought not and just gunned his butt down at home.  Hooray!

So bottom of the fifth and we waste Mike Cameron's 1 out single, so moving right along, Franklin gets two quick strike outs, gives up a single to Hunter, and then strikes out Sears to end their half and we do absolutely, f-bombing NOTHING.

Seventh inning, and with 1 out, Pierzynski singled, and an out after that and Artie Rhodes relieved Franklin and Pierzynski stole second but then Jones struck out looking so nobody really cared and then Bret "Enough Of This No-Scoring Bullshit!" Boone knocked one right out and we're on the board and then an out later and John Olerud singled but we are unable to score him and head to the eighth trailing 2-1.

So I'm talking to my friend Shelly about this time, and she's a Braves fan and was telling me about how they left the field mikes on with Maddux pitching today and anybody who is at all familiar with Greg Maddux knows this is never a good idea if you're looking for a G-rated game and her mom Pat was watching with her and Shel was basically like, "I was telling [Pat] what a foul mouth Greg has and just then you heard 'FUCKING GOD DAMN' and the announcers were like OH DARN and [Pat] started cracking up and I was like, yeah thanks for proving my point Greg" and I love these stories because it's always nice to be reminded you aren't the only one who speaks very unladylike when baseball sucks.

And speaking of sucking, with 2 outs, Jeff Nelson, whom I adore, don't get me wrong, came in for Artie and walked Kielty who then stole second and then went to third on a passed ball and then scored when Hunter singled and I am just all kinds of pissed off and to quote Maddux, FUCKING GOD DAMN and then Hunter is caught stealing to end their half.

So our turn and there's LaTroy Hawkins in to pitch and Doug Mientkiewicz at first and Doug M is revoltingly chewing his gum like PLEASE KEEP THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, DOUG, GROSS and we're down in order and I'm running out of things to throw.

Ninth inning and with 1 out, Mohr walked and an out after that and Gomez singled and then Kazuhiro Sasaki came in for Jeff and got Jones to fly out and off we go to the bottom of the ninth where Eddie Guardado came in to pitch for the Twins and it seems like Guardado is another word for bat excrement but I'm not sure what word that is I'm thinking of and anyway, with 1 out, Bret hit a ground rule double and like 75 pitches later, Edgar came SO CLOSE to tying this game but just missed it and Bret went to third but we are unable to score him and then Bat Poop Guy gets John Olerud to fly out and we lose the game and the series.