Ruben's No Idol & Freddy's No Ace

May 21, 2003

Ruben's no idol and Freddy's no ace,

How is it that Clay wound up out of first place?

But back to the game, where the fans are all pissed,

As Freddy keeps throwing "strikes" Royals don't miss,

And no matter how much that I scream and I shout,

Freddy's unable to pull his head out,

And something else causing us great consternation,

WE'RE PAYING HIM MORE AS HE WON ARBITRATION!

But that's certainly ALL Freddy seems to be winning,

Six in for the Royals after only two innings,

But the Mariners battle, they always play hard,

Ichiro singled, Bret & Guillen went yard,

It's 6-to-4 Royals, we're now in the fifth,

And we set about proving our record's no myth,

Guillen safe on an error - KC is in trouble,

Here comes Edgar Martinez and he rips a double,

6-to-5 now, and we're back in the game,

No thanks whatsoever to our ace who's so lame,

GO GET HIM BOB, but Bob Melvin's not listening,

And to Freddy's credit, he gets through the sixth inning,

But then in the seventh, he gives up a dinger,

And I'm sure all the fans there gave Freddy the finger,

And let's not forget on American Idol,

Where it's finally time to bestow that same title,

The gang's all there tonight, in denim and khaki,

Though one in particular stood out as tacky,

Julia - please tell me, where is your bra?

Your boobs are the worst thing that I ever saw,

I don't like your shirt, and I don't like your pants,

You can't WALK in your shoes, and you're trying to DANCE?

Hey CARMEN!  Your TWO shirts are NON-MATCHING BLUES!

And MOTHER OF GOD, what's the deal with those SHOES?

Hey Vanessa!  Your icky hair gave me a fright!

And Kimberly Locke, your pants STILL ARE TOO TIGHT,

I don't like this medley.  Ruben!  Stop sweating!

Click here to read about A-Rod's bed wetting,

And Ruben keeps singing his generic old sound,

While Clay just keeps singing and brings the house down,

And then there's Ryan Seacrest annoying as ever,

Making several pathetic attempts to be clever,

Then it's time for the judges to all speak their minds,

And there's so little there save for all their behinds,

For Ruben, for some reason, they're all agog,

Shut UP Randy, you assclown, and stop saying "dawg",

Paula Abdul - your comments have ceased to have meaning,

And Simon, I think that your clock needs a cleaning,

"America's" WRONG, the best man did NOT win,

And I'm not sure I'll ever watch THIS show again,

I've seldom seen anything suck quite so much,

Clay Aiken got robbed and that's really fu - nevermind.

So now it's the eighth and still 7-to-5,

And enter Cararra who took a big dive,

4 runs for the Royals, and I've got to say,

This is a horrible, very bad day,

Woke up late, hit traffic, and finally arrived

To a day of which routine and boredom derived,

I finally get home, the game goes bad real fast,

Then American Idol kicks Clay in the ass,

Then the game gets much worse and I can't help but swear,

And my sight turns as red as the roots of my hair,

Final: 14-to-5 and just let me recap,

This day henceforth is known as 'The Day That Was Crap'.