How I've Missed These Crazy 8's

May 20, 2003

So this outstanding event began with Michael Tucker trying to bunt himself aboard but Bret robbed him of a base hit by this totally awesome play and then it took 500 pitches, but Joe Randa finally popped up, and then strike 3, NO WAIT the ump called that ball 3 and then Beltran wound up walking and then stealing second besides, but not before I noticed how baggy Ryan Franklin's pants are, especially in comparison to Bret's ultra tight asspants and then Mike Sweeney, whose uniform is already dirty for some reason, and whose uniform also has a "C" sewn on it for "captain" I guess, which I've never seen on any team captain's uniform before, struck out to end their half and off we go to the bottom of the first where with 1 out, Carlos Guillen TRIPLED and they pan to the dugout where Mark McLemore is all excited and cheering kind of like I was, only they won't let me in the dugout which is really unfair, and then Bret hit a sac fly to score him and we take a 1-0 lead to the second thanks to a bullshit called strike 3 on Edgar to end the inning.

Bret Robbing Tucker of A Base Hit

"I'm prejudiced, but I think we have the best defense in baseball, and this game was further proof of that." - Bob Melvin

So with 1 out for Kansas City, Ken Harvey fouled a ball off the KNOB of his bat which, like Mike Sweeney's "C" for captain, I don't think I've ever seen before, and then he struck out, and then Randy Winn made a really nice catch to retire the side off a fly ball from our old pal Desi Relaford.

So then we have the chicken wing commercial which cracks me up when Bryan Price drops the phone, and this commercial drives Homer insane because Dan Wilson pats Jamie on the ass with his GLOVE only he leaves a HANDPRINT on Jamie's butt instead of a GLOVEPRINT.

So anyway, bottom of the second, and John Olerud leads things off with a single and then Beltran very unfortunately made a nice catch to rob Mike Cameron of a hit, and an out after that, Jeff Cirillo singled and then Dan Wilson singled which scored Ole and then Ichiro singled which scored Cirillo and we lead it 3-0 as we head off to the third.

With 1 out, Angel Berroa was hit with a pitch and an out later, he stole second but that's as exciting as it gets for Kansas City, and then we're down in order, so moving right along to the fourth, Randy made a nice catch off Beltran's shallow pop fly, and then it is time for the Great Mariner - American Idol Switch Back & Forth.

When asked what Mariner player would win on American Idol...

"Cameron." - Joel Pineiro

"Cameron." - Gil Meche

"Cammy." - Ben Davis

"Cameron, he sings a lot but he's not that good." - Ryan Franklin

"Boonie."  - Ichiro

"I am NOT the American Idol. Probably Ichiro." - Bret Boone

"Ichi." - Dan Wilson

"It's gotta be Boone." - John Olerud

"Nelson." - Shiggy

"I know who wouldn't win - Jeff Nelson." - Jeff Cirillo

"I sing pretty well." - Jeff Nelson

"Dan Wilson." - Randy Winn

"Probably me." - Artie Rhodes

So there's Ryan Seacreast blathering on obnoxiously in his usual fashion and there is Ruben in a very ugly jacket just singing away in his usual Luther Vandross fashion and then after he sings his first song which didn't sound all that great, I can't help but notice how Paula Abdul's hair looks like it's been combed with an egg-beater and there's Judge Randy not saying much of anything but "dawg" and "yo" in HIS usual fashion and then there's Paula going on and on with her kind words in HER usual fashion and then there's Simon not impressed in HIS usual fashion and there's Clay in a suit looking all dapper and he sings his ass off in his usual kickass fashion.  It's all very predictable.

So then I flip back to the game and while I've been watching Idol, I learn that Raul Ibanez hit a homerun back in the fourth to make it 3-1, and then we didn't do anything exciting in our half, and it is now the top of the fifth, the bases are loaded, and the Royals only have 1 out so I flip back to American Idol and Ruben and Clay sing their second songs and Clay just blows Ruben out of the water again and by the time I flip back to the game, it's the top of the sixth and we managed to escape the fifth inning bases loaded jam with only 1 run scoring, and we wasted Dan Wilson's lead off walk that was followed by Guillen's single an out later, so back to the top of the sixth, 3-2 Seattle, and Bret made another sweeeeeeet play to rob Mike Sweeney of a base hit and then goddamn Raul hit another homerun which tied the game and I flipped back to American Idol where I watched the rest of the show and Clay finished it off with a stellar performance of a song I normally hate (Simon & Garfunkel's 'Bridge Over Troubled Water') and he just, to quote Shel, "F-Bombing brought the house down".

So back to the game, and it's still tied at 3, and what I missed was Ryan Franklin retiring the next two batters after Raul to end KC's half, and in the bottom of the sixth Edgar lead off with a walk, and then John Olerud got plunked but nobody charged the mound unfortunately and even more unfortunately, we don't make them pay for it by scoring and then Shiggy comes in to work the seventh and retires the Royals in order and here we are in the bottom of the seventh and here's another new pitcher for Kansas City and we're down in order as well, and then we go to commercial and it's that revolting motor oil ad where that old guy shakes his bottle of Viagra at his wife and it just grosses me out no end and then we get that commercial for the walkie-talkie phones that I so want.

So eighth inning and Jeff Nelson comes in to pitch for Shiggy and he strikes out Joe Randa and then Bret made ANOTHER great play off a grounder from Beltran and then Mike Sweeney singled and thought to take two only Ichiro gunned his butt down at second which was all kinds of exciting and it ends up being a 1-2-3 inning.

"It's like they have three center fielders out there. It's almost unfair." - Raul Ibanez on the Mariners

So bottom of the eighth and Bret leads off with a big nasty double and slides head first into second which always makes me nervous and he comes up all cute and dirty and then Edgar singled and Bret came hauling ass around third to score and we take a 4-3 lead.

So Willie Bloomquist comes in to run for Gar and an out later and they pan into the dugout and there's Edgar in his fetching goatee and then Cammie ripped a big nasty double which scored Bloomie and Cam ended up on third after the bad throw to the plate and Randy "I'm Goin Yard!" Winn WENT YARD to score 2 more and an out later, Dan Wilson singled but we're all done scoring and we take a 7-3 lead into the ninth.

So enter Arthur Rhodes who isn't pitching very Artie-like this evening because he leads off by walking Raul and then Raul gets to second on a wild pitch that was deemed a passed ball and then an out later and Desi Relaford doubled which scored Raul, like thanks a lot Desi and Raul, you traitorous bastards just kidding and then Arthur recovers by getting Brent Mayne to ground out and then K's Berroa to end the game which we win 7-4 and I hope you all voted for Clay this evening and GOD KNOWS I DID or it's the WRATH OF SHEL UPON ME.

"The Royals are learning on the job. The Mariners, who have won five in a row, are doing the job." - John Hickey, sportswriter