Hated the Umpiring
Loved the Winning In Spite Of It
May 16, 2003
So this game begins with Ichiro reaching on an infield single and then he stole second and then he stole third and then Bonderman... struck out the rest of the side in order. Goddammit. So then Gil Meche, stud that he is, retired Detroit in order and off we go to the second inning where John Olerud led off with a walk and then an out later and Randy Winn hit into a fielder's choice and John was out at second and then Randy went to second on a balk but we fail to capitalize on this and head to the bottom half with no score where that Griffey hating guy, Dmitri Young, leads off with a single and then Carlos Pena doubled and with runners at the corners and NOBODY OUT and me starting to have a bit of a hissy fit, or Homer Fussy if you prefer, some Monroe guy reached on an infield single and Young scored as everybody just watched this ball roll to a stop when it very obviously wasn't going to go foul to begin with, especially with the infield grass in Detroit and I yell "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" only nobody hears me since they have not yet installed the Laura Bat Phone and then Munson walked which loaded the bases and further irritated me and then Inge hit a sac fly which scored Pena and really pissed me off, but Gil limits them to those 2 runs and off we go to the third inning trailing 2-0.
So with 1 out, Ichiro doubled and then - GOT CAUGHT STEALING! I shriek in outrage and dismay and will politely not repeat the word I used and then evidently Rafael Palmeiro has been there and has left his mark since there is a big Viagra sign behind Mark McLemore while he's at bat and then Mac TRIPLES and while that's all very good and well, I can't help but have a MASSIVE CORONARY over the fact that Ichiro would've scored on this and then Bret reached on an infield single and Mac scored and I can't help but think how we should be TIED but we aren't and we head to the bottom half trailing 2-1 and I sigh forlornly and yes I'd rather have them be aggressive on the bases than NOT be aggressive on the bases, but it still sucks really hard when it costs us a run.
Bottom of the third and with 1 out, Meche K'd Bobby Higginson looking and Bobby knew he was out and just started walking back to the dugout before the ump called it and I love it when that happens and then Meche K'd Young swinging to end the inning, so let's just move along to the fourth where the umpire called John out on strikes and John got a little lippy with him which you don't see very often, but John, like everyone else, knew what a bullshit call that was, and I quite honestly think this umpire might be drunk the way the strike zone has been weaving around tonight and then Cammie walked and then stole second but we can't get anything going and then Detroit doesn't fair any better as they waste a 1-out single from Monroe.
Fifth inning and we're depressingly down in order and then Santiago led off with a walk and was sacrificed to second and then sacrificed to third but that's as far as they get him, so sixth inning, still 2-1 Tigers and Bret leads off with a walk and then Edgar "I Feel Like Taking the Lead!" Martinez TAKES THE LEAD FOR US AS HE BELTS ONE RIGHT ON OUT OF THERE, and it's now 3-2 Seattle and I know you all know this already but I'll say it again: I LOVE THIS MAN.
"Only eight players in major-league history have had the combination of 2,000 hits, 1,000 walks, 500 doubles, 300 home runs and a career .300 batting average. The players in that club are fairly recognizable: Hank Aaron, Stan Musial, Willie Mays, George Brett, Rogers Hornsby, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Ted Williams. They are all members of the Hall of Fame. Martinez is putting his figures together. He reached 2,000 hits on May 2. He has 1,126 walks and carried a .317 career average into this season. His home run last night was his sixth in May and ninth this season. It also was the 281st of his career. He's on a pace for 36. The double was the 473rd of his career. He's on a pace for 28 this season." - Bob Sherwin, sportswriter
So then John Olerud walked and then Cammie walked and then Detroit made a pitching change and I have to say that there looks to be about 30 people total in this entire stadium which makes me feel bad for the Tigers and then Randy Winn singled which scored Ole and then Randy stole second and then Jeff Cirillo was called out on strikes which was complete horseshit, and he evidently said this or something like it right to that ridiculous umpire who had missed more calls than he'd made this evening and the ump gets all pissed off at Jeff like it's Jeff's fault he blew that call so bad and he tosses Jeff out of the game and Jeff jaws some more and then Bob Melvin comes out to talk to the ump who still looks pretty tanked off and I would've LOVED to have heard exactly what Jeff said but anyway, an out later and Ichiro was intentionally walked and then Mark McLemore walked to force in a run and NO WAIT! The third base umpire said Mac went around! HORSESHIT AGAIN!
So bottom of the sixth and I'm still pissed off about that call and Young led off with a double and then he went to third on a deep fly from Pena and then Mac, who is now PLAYING third since Jeff got tossed, made a nice catch of a line drive off the bat of Monroe who flailed his arms all funny when he saw that Mac had caught it and then Munson walked but Inge grounded out to Carlos (now playing shortstop since Mac moved to third) and Carlos made a nice play to get him at first, so Detroit doesn't score! Hooray!
Seventh inning, still 4-2 Seattle and Bret was safe on an error but a double play later and it was erased anyway and then Ole doubled and then Cammie doubled which scored him and we take a 5-2 lead before Cammie got thrown out trying to stretch it into a triple and then Santiago led off with a single for Detroit and then some Torres guy walked and then Arthur "Artie to Laura" Rhodes came in to relieve Meche and Santiago went to third on a fly out and then he scored on a ground out, but they settle for the 1 run, and it's now 5-3 Seattle in a nice birthday shoutout to me since my birthday's 5-3 and all.
So eighth inning and I'm talking to my friend Ben who just got back from going to his college roommates' wedding in Florida which gets me on the subject of wedding dresses and how I don't think I'd have a sleeveless one and he says 'you might if you got married in Florida' and so I announce that I would never get married there because you know an alligator would totally hijack my wedding and I would be all kinds of pissed off standing up there stomping my cute little white shoes and shrieking "LOOK AT THE BRIDE, NOT THE ALLIGATOR, LOOK AT THE BRIDE!" and he says how at the wedding there was a sign by a pond near them that said 'please don't feed the alligators' and all I can say is that what's really alarming is they had to put a sign up because people actually FEED the alligators, like what kind of a stupid moron would think THAT was a good idea and this is exactly why I could never get married in Florida. Well, that and Toilet Boas.
So where was I? Oh yes, the eighth inning and some Spurling guy relieved Sparks and retired us in order and then Artie retired the Tigers in order with 2 K's and off we go to the ninth where with Ichiro at the plate, I can't help but notice the assclown sitting behind homeplate waving frantically at the camera while he talks on his cellphone and anyway, Ichiro K's and Mac grounds out and then Bret rips a big nasty double and then while Edgar is at the plate, I can't help but notice there is yet ANOTHER assclown in the stands waving away at the camera while talking on his phone and what a WASTE of excellent seats and anyway, Edgar singles which scores Bret and then a pitching change later and we get another assclown in the stands talking on his cellphone, who raises his beer to toast the camera which kind of cracked me up I have to admit and there are like a whole gaggle of morons waving and talking on cellphones and I just roll my eyes because everybody KNOWS that when you're going to be on camera at the baseball game that the only thing you can do is drop a B.A. (bare-ass for all of those not hip with abbreviations) and as we head to the bottom of the ninth leading 6-3, enter Kazuhiro Sasaki, who yielded only a harmless 1 out single and we win it which puts us in first place all by ourselves since Oakland lost today. Yay!
