This Was Truly Wretched

May 14, 2003

So this game really should've gone better - being played on The Hot Boy's birthday and all - but, Cardinals fan that he is, he failed to insure the M's won on this blessed day which was not well done of him but moving right along, things started off well enough because Edgar "Happy Birthday Hot Boy!" Martinez WENT YARD to put us up 1-0 in the first, but my glee is quickly diminished when Freddy lets Cleveland tie it right away after giving up a 1-out single to Omar Vizquel that was followed by an RBI double from Ellis Burks and then Niehaus and Red are talking about that stupid loser moron in the stands that buys 3 seats for every game for himself, his wife and his STUPID OBNOXIOUS DRUM that is beating obnoxiously away as if anybody cares about him and then in one of the strangest plays I have ever seen in my life, Jeff Cirillo, possessed of demons, goes to field a routine ground ball from Shane Spencer and instead of throwing to first, he goes to tag Burks running by only he somehow MISSES him, so everybody's safe and then Freddy K'd Bard to end the inning.

So off to the second we go and Mike Cameron leads off with a walk and then gets caught stealing which makes me say very bad words and we get absolutely nothing accomplished, and then - oh God.  Okay, Broussard leads off with a single, and then Blake singled and with runners at the corners and the s-h word being shrieked by yours truly, Phillips doubled which scored Broussard and moved Blake to third and then an out later and Little O hits into a double play and OH NO.  NO!!!!!!  NO NO NO.  That did not just happen.  John Olerud does not flub routine ground balls.  John Olerud is a Gold Glove first baseman.  So now I'm all stressed out and feel bad for John, plus that ended up allowing a run to score and then Freddy is all shook up now and throws a wild pitch and Omar goes to second and it's like HEY FREDDY!  JOHN HAS BEEN PICKING YOU UP ALL YEAR WHILE YOU TRY AND GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, SO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND PICK HIM UP ON THIS VERY RARE OCCASION WHEN HE NEEDS IT!  And Freddy of course pays no attention to me, probably because he can't hear me through the TV set I'm currently yelling at, and this reminds me of the conversation my friend Glenn and I were having the other day about how they should install a special phone line into the dugout just for me, kind of like the Bat Phone in Commissioner Gordon's office, and it would flash red every time I get pissed off (which would be often considering my excitable nature) and I could call in and tell Bob to go have a hissy fit on the field when he's not getting fired up enough over things or tell Freddy to shave his icky facial hair off before it gives Homer a stroke or tell them when their tags are sticking out or their undershirts don't match, and you get the general idea and anyway, Burks grounded out which scored Phillips and it's now 4-1 Cleveland for those of you keeping track and then Freddy throws ANOTHER wild pitch and Omar goes to third and I pretty much have to be sedated at this point because Freddy is really starting to stress me out, and I KNOW he's capable, but something is WRONG because he hasn't been comfortable YET this year and it seems to be getting WORSE instead of better and then he hits Milton Bradley with a pitch and as Milton trots to first, Freddy very clearly drops the F-bomb right as the cameras pan to him, and I couldn't have said it better myself and I have to say that maybe Freddy's ENORMOUS necklace is what's throwing off his pitches, but he finally gets the final out and we go to the third where we do absolutely nothing.

So bottom of the third and with 2 outs -  SWEET MOTHER OF GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Carlos Guillen tanks a grounder and Blake is safe on his error and then Carlos and I both say the f-word at the exact same time which would've been funny had we both not been so upset and then Freddy, who is incapable of recovering from errors it seems, walks Phillips before giving up a double to Matt Lawton which scores 2 runs naturally and it's 6-1 Cleveland and I have to go lie down.

Fourth inning.  With 1 out, Edgar is hit by a pitch.  This infuriates me.  Unfortunately, we don't score him because we promptly hit into a double play right after this and off we go to the Indians' half again and can SOMEBODY SHUT THAT STUPID ASSHOLE DRUMMER UP, PLEASE, I mean I really don't understand how this guy and the Honking Tuba Band of Oakland don't get BEAT with their instruments at these games and anyway, with 1 out, Milton Bradley singled and he steals second and ends up on third on yet ANOTHER error by the Mariners and can somebody PLEASE tell me what the hell is going on here, since when does Ben Davis, who needs a haircut, throw the ball away trying to throw out a runner?  So then a fielder's choice later and Milton's out at home at least and Cleveland ends up NOT scoring which was very nice.

Fifth inning.  Cammie leads off with a single!  2 quick outs later, Cam is on third after a throwing error and then he scores on a wild pitch and it's now 6-2 Cleveland and then Cirillo singled, but that was as exciting as things got for us and then Freddy promptly gives up a lead off homerun to Broussard so just make that 7-2 Cleveland and I made up a new word which is 'SON-OF-A-BASTARD'S-ASSHOLE-MOTHER' which is strangely enough a very therapeutic thing to say because it made me feel better and 2 outs later, Lawton walked, but Cleveland settles for the 1 run.

Sixth inning and Ichiro singled but then Carlos grounded into a double play and Gar struck out so I really don't feel like talking about it and then Cleveland is down in order which is a nice change, so let us just move along to the seventh where WE are down in order which sadly enough isn't nice and isn't a change and Julio Mateo came in for Freddy and with 1 out, Broussard, who is really pissing me off this evening, singled, and then an out later and he went to second on a passed ball and I can't quite get over our sloppiness, and the only thing I can think of is that we're jetlagged or something because I remember when I was in Florida a couple years ago with a friend of mine and like the second or third day there I just all of a sudden could barely function and I moved like a slug and felt like I'd had a stroke because I couldn't hardly talk right and I had called Homer and Mom from the hotel room to let them know my friend and I were having fun at Disney World and stuff and he was like "are you drunk?" and I actually WAS NOT drinking at the time and then the same thing happened a couple days after I got home and it wasn't until then I figured out I had jetlag which was kind of a relief actually and anyway, Cleveland doesn't score and we head off to the eighth still trailing 7-2.

Mark McLemore led off with a walk, but Jeff Cirillo hit into a double play because we're pretty determined this evening to see how many profanities I can utter before the game is over, and then Ben Davis walked but Ichiro struck out and I sigh forlornly.

Bottom of the eighth.  Here comes Arthur Rhodes!  He retires the first two batters and Kazu comes in and retires the last one for a nice 1-2-3 inning and we head to the ninth where Cleveland brings in a new pitcher, yadda yadda blah blah down in order, we lose.

So Hot Boy's birthday isn't over just yet as it is now time for American Idol and there is stupid Ryan Seacrest and there are the Final Three and they sing a medley that includes that old Peaches & Herb song 'Reunited' which I love and then when the medley is over there is Kimberly laughing all uncontrollably and unnaturally in her trademark unflattering outfit and it was just very weird and unsettling and I wanted her to stop it at once and then we have to suffer through the Ford plug and they sing that 'She's A Lady' song and there is Kimberly once again in clothes that do not fit nor flatter her and she can't barely walk in her heels in this video thing and that's finally over but not before we see Seacrest in it looking like a Miami Vice reject in his icky blazer and then we get to listen to Tamyra Gray sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' which she does waaaaay better than Kimberly ever did it and then I WANTED to change the channel because there is Justin Guarini and I don't think there is ANY WAY I am going to make it through his GOD AWFUL rendition of 'Unchained Melody' but I manage with minimal nausea and he butchered it as I thought he would and then we see the Idols being flown on private jets to their respective homes in Alabama, Tennessee and North Carolina and then we finally get down to the business of who is getting the boot and they drag it out obnoxiously like they always do and it is Kimberly going home which I expected and they play her goodbye video and for some reason they show that cringe inducing clip where she tells Simon that she used to think he was sexy but now she thinks he just sucks and I am so glad she's finally leaving even though poor Clay looked ready to bawl his head off over it.