I See London I See France
Where's That Pitcher's Underpants?
May 13, 2003
So this game began pretty great as with 1 out, Carlos Guillen singled and then Bret singled and then Edgar singled which scored them both, so it's 2-0 Seattle as we head to the bottom half and Joel Pineiro retires Matt Lawton on a fly ball and then Bret Boone makes an excellent stop to rob Omar Vizquel of a base hit and meanwhile the announcers are talking about how Fred McGriff plays for the Dodgers now which I wasn't really aware of and then I realize I don't really care anyway, and meanwhile, there is a LOT of racket at the game, kind of like someone is hammering something like there is some construction going on and it's working my nerves big time and Ellis Burks doubled and there is more racket and then Milton Bradley struck out to end the inning and NO WAIT! The ump missed the first of many calls this evening and said that strike was a ball and Milton ended up walking! And while I'm fuming over this, they pan to these morons banging a drum in the stands and I learn THEY are what is making that horrible racket, and they evidently do this every game and I am just aghast because that noise is second only to the Honking Tuba Band of Oakland in terms of annoyance and so anyway, some guy named Gerut has the count 3-0 before the ump calls a strike only instead of CALLING the strike, I swear to God he BARKED, and evidently "ARF!" is umpire-speak for strike 1 and Gerut flew out to end the inning.
So second inning and Mike Cameron led off with a walk and there are like 5,000 throws to first base over the course of the next three batters, none of which are able to get anything going unfortunately, and the pitcher for Cleveland is so excited after he gets the third out that his gum almost fell out of his mouth as he's running off the field and it reminds me of the time when my friends Marjorie, Isaac, Kevin and I were all at an M's game and Kevin was chewing happily away on his gum when it just all of a sudden FELL OUT OF HIS MOUTH without warning and I laughed so hard I could barely see the game and actually - that is all detailed right here from the June 22, 2001 recap and it appears I should be calling Isaac by his Top Secret internet name Ludwig but I'm not going to and he can just be a big boy about it.
So anyhow, bottom of the second and Cleveland - well, they score 3 runs and I kind of blacked out in the middle of all this because it sucked so hard and I really don't care to get into the details which I have blocked from my memory forever anyway, and let us just move along to the third inning where we waste Ichiro's lead off single and then with 1 out, that Gerut guy doubled but Mike Cameron made an awesome over-the-shoulder catch on a fly ball from Bard for the second out, and a walk and an out later, we head to the fourth inning, still trailing 3-2.
I love this inning!!! John Olerud leads off with a single! And then Mike Cameron doubles! And then Randy Winn TRIPLES which scores them both and it's 4-3 Seattle!!! Then Jeff Cirillo singled which scored Randy and it's 5-3 Seattle, but not before I notice that Anderson, the pitcher for Cleveland, does not appear to be wearing any underpants and then Dan Wilson grounded the runners over while I am still scrutinizing the pitcher's backside because I'm kind of in shock, I mean I swear I could see right through those baseball pants, but anyway, Ichiro doubled and that makes it 6-3 Seattle and then Carlos grounded him to third but we settle for the 4 runs and head to the bottom half, and yep - I can totally see that pitcher's ass through his pants! So anyway, Phillips singles, and Lawton's hit by a pitch, and then a double play later and Burks walked but Bradley flew out so no harm done.
Fifth inning and I'm not sure if the manager took him out because he wasn't pitching so well or because he wasn't wearing underwear, but we have a new pitcher for Cleveland, some Riggan fellow, and with 1 out, Ole singled and then Cammie singled and then Randy singled which scored John and then Cirillo doubled which scored Cammie and it's 8-3 when the dust finally settles and with 1 out, Bard reached on an infield single but a double play later and nobody cared.
Sixth inning, and still 8-3 Seattle, and Ichiro leads off with a single and an out later and Bret walked and that's pretty much it although Ichiro did go to third on a fly ball from Edgar if you want to get technical, and then Joel retired the Indians in order which made me very happy.
So seventh inning and Mulholland relieved Riggan and with 2 outs, Cirillo singled but that was as exciting as it got, so moving right along, Giovanni Carrara relieved Joel and retired Cleveland 1-2-3.
Eighth inning and Brutus is falling out of his new kitty condo and we have another new pitcher for Cleveland by the name of Sadler and Ichiro singled and then Carlos singled but we surprisingly enough don't score them and Brutus is carrying some of his toys to the top of the condo thing which is very cute and Cleveland is down in order.
So off we go to the ninth inning and how many pitchers does Cleveland have?! Good God. Here comes another one, this time it's Boyd, and with 1 out, Cammie walked but we don't score and neither does Cleveland as Shiggy retired them in order.
So then a wee bit later, it's time for American Idol and there is Ryan Seacrest with a new haircut and then there's Kim Locke looking like she's going to throw up and there's Ruben all serious and there's Clay all adorable and then here we go and Kim's up first and she is wearing clothes that FIT HER! I don't believe it!!! So then she does a crappy version of 'Band of Gold' and there's Ryan harassing an audience member by pulling her hair and then Ruben does a non-impressive version of 'Signed Sealed Delivered' and then Clay sings 'Vincent' and I thought he sounded great but the judges, who favor Ruben so much it's really pathetic at this point, totally light into him about how it's not his greatest performance and he messed up words, nevermind that Ruben, as Shel correctly pointed out, has flubbed his lyrics in 2 songs and they never say a damn thing.
So then it's time for the judges' song picks and there's Kim singing 'Anybody Who Ever Had A Heart' and it's completely dreadful as are her pants and then they have Ruben singing 'Smile' which was okay I guess, but then Clay just totally BLEW EVERYONE AWAY with 'Mack the Knife' which is one of my all-time favorite songs anyway, and I'm not kidding, he was right up there with Dean Martin in terms of that swanky, sexy, cool swing demeanor Dean always sang with and meanwhile, Ryan has been harassing audience members again, and this time he's letting some woman pull HIS hair and she's like "it's not as hard as I thought it would be" and then Ryan is all "there's some words you never want to hear from a woman" or something and there's one of his jokes that was actually FUNNY for once, although he nearly ruined it with his annoying giggling.
So then it's time for the Idols own picks and Kim, with her pants undone, warbles that Natalie Cole song 'Inseparable' and all I can say is: hate Kim, hate Natalie, hate the song, hate the clothes and hate the judges for their ignorant Kim support. So then there's Ruben singing 'If Ever You're In My Arms Again' and I'm totally not impressed again and there are the judges with their heads up his butt talking about how great he is, and if you REALLY want to see great, HERE COMES CLAY and he is singing 'Unchained Melody' and he just totally nails it of course and the high note he hit is STILL giving me chills and he SO DESERVES to win this thing.
