This Sucked Horribly

May 10, 2003

So Marjorie and I had way much fun with our spa day except for the manic crazy devil woman who gave me a scalp massage that was more like SCALP TORTURE as my scalp was nearly RIPPED RIGHT OFF OF ME with her brush afterwards, I mean GOOD GOD, and then it took me over an hour to get home because I got stuck in traffic on I-5, probably because of the game.  So then I went to borrow The Dodge from Homer so that I could go pick up a new kitty-condo thing for Brutus because the one I had picked out wouldn't fit in my car and right about this time, the game is starting, so I flip on the radio and JAY is broadcasting and I'm SO HAPPY and Gil Meche retired the side in order and then with 2 outs, Bret singled and then Edgar "I'm Goin Yard!" Martinez WENT YARD and just like that, it's 2-0 Seattle as we head to the second inning.

Chicago is down in order again, and we waste John Mabry's 1 out walk, so let's just move along to the third inning where Gil 1-2-3's the White Sox and Ichiro hits one out to lead things off for us and I am super happy as I pull into the parking lot of the pet store since we're now leading 3-0, until I see that the pet store is CLOSED.

So I'm all pissed off and we don't do anything else, and as I'm driving to ANOTHER pet store 15 miles out of my way, the fourth inning begins with an out and then Jiminez singled, but Gil K'd the next two batters which was pretty sweet and we do nothing in our half.

So fifth inning and with 1 out, Carlos Lee hit one out and Chicago is on the board and Jay is like "it's only a solo, oh well" and then 2 outs later, it's our turn and then - well, 2 outs into OUR half, Mark McLemore singled but that's it.

So then I get to the other pet store which is thankfully open and I jump down out of the truck and I have to admit, you would all laugh your asses off at me trying to climb INTO this truck, like Homer never minds when I want to borrow The Dodge because it cracks him up no end that I almost have to take a running leap just to get into the thing it's so high and I walk in the store and am looking for the cat furniture and you can shop with your pets here which I get a big kick out of and as I'm walking around the corner I embarrassed myself by going "HOLY F-BOMB!" because I am startled by the biggest rottweiler I have ever seen that is shopping with her owners and I tentatively walk towards her and ask her owners "does she like people?" and the lady is all "oh yeah!" and so I petted her since she was like yanking her owner towards me and then I went about picking a new kitty-condo and as I'm walking to the cashier to pay for it, I stop to say hi to this cute little puppy, I think it was a cocker spaniel, and anyway, he or she is super excited to see me as well and promptly pees all over my leg.

So then they load the kitty-condo into the back of The Dodge and I turn on the radio and learn that we are TIED and I could get into how, but I really don't want to.  Suffice it to say, the sixth inning was not a good one.

Neither was the seventh.  4-3 Chicago.  I should also mention that sometime during all of this, they announce Sammy Sosa has been put on the 15-day DL because the TOENAIL on his big toe FELL OFF and I start shrieking and almost drive off the road because that is SO GROSS, and I HATE FEET ANYWAY and I can't believe they announced that because it is SO REVOLTING, I mean, just make something up, like Sosa was put on the 15-day DL because of a sore hamstring or SOMETHING, why why WHY did you have to talk about his rotten toenail on his big stinking toe, SICK.

Eighth inning.  Shiggy relieved Gil, and some Harris guy led off with a single, but Shiggy got the next three guys no problem and we're down in order much to my dismay, but it still wasn't as dismaying as having to hear about Sosa's foot problems, I mean I'm not sure I will EVER RECOVER FROM THAT.

Ninth inning.  Enter Giovanni Carrara.  2 outs, 2 singles, another out, nobody scored, our turn.  Edgar led off with a single!  Then Chicago changed pitchers!  Willie Bloomquist ran for Gar!  An out later and he stole second!  Then Mike Cameron singled and - nevermind.  Shit.