Sweet Mother of God

May 8, 2003

First inning.  The game starts off brilliantly as Freddy, with his weird facial hair that always annoys Homer, retires the side in order, and then Ichiro beats the first baseman to first base on a routine one hopper which I don't think I've ever seen done before and then Carlos Guillen singled and then Bret - well, Bret continued to look excellent in his baseball pants, and let's just say two outs later and Ichiro is on third and then Edgar "I Think I Will Just Launch This Right Over the Wall" Martinez LAUNCHES ONE RIGHT OVER THE WALL and it's 2-0 Seattle as we head to the second inning.

So Bernie Williams led off with a single, but Freddy retired the next three batters in order and so it is our turn again and with 1 out, Randy Winn doubled and an out later and Dan Wilson singled which scored him and it is now 3-0 Seattle and then Ichiro reached on an infield single but we settle for the one run which is very unfortunate because the third inning... wait, hold on.  I'm sorry.  Okay, third inning - no wait, I'm going to throw up.  Okay - no wait, give me just a minute.  Okay.  So, third inning and that bastard Raul Mondesi singled to lead things off and then Mike Cameron made an excellent catch for the first out on a fly ball from Eric Almonte and then Soriano singled and with runners at the corners, Nick Johnson singled which scored Mondesi and then Jason Giambi was hit by a pitch and I am all "GODDAMMIT!" because that loaded the bases and then Bernie Williams walked which forced in a run, which forced me to say the F-word, and then, pardon me if you will, but SON OF A BITCH!  NO!  NO!  Matsui singled!  1 run scored and then another run scored because of the throw in and it's 4-3 Yankees!  I am pissed off!  And then I think, okay, double play, it's 1 run, we'll get it back - but Jorge Posada grounded out, which scored Bernie and it's 5-3 Yankees and I think, okay, 1 more out, it's 2 runs, we'll get it back - and Robin Ventura... SINGLED!  ROBIN VENTURA GODDAMN SINGLED!  THIS SCORED ANOTHER RUN!  BOB!  BOB MELVIN!  WHY IS FREDDY STILL IN THERE!  TAKE HIM OUT!  SIX RUNS HAVE SCORED!  It's 6-3!  I CAN'T TAKE THIS BOB!  I HATE NEW YORK BOB!  GODDAMMIT BOB!  FREDDY JUST WALKED GODDAMN RAUL MONDESI!  I HATE RAUL MONDESI BOB!  FREDDY HAS GONE ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE ORDER!  TAKE HIM OUT!  TAKE HIM OUT!  MAKE IT STOP!  PLEASE BOB!  And then I am not really sure what happened next because I fainted from the horror of it all and when I came to, Eric Almonte was standing on second base and 2 more runs had scored.  It is 8 - EIGHT - to 3.  Finally, Bob Melvin has decided I've had enough and is mercifully removing Freddy from the game, and here comes Julio Mateo and there goes the ball as Alfonso Soriano knocks it right on out of here and it's 10-3 New York and I have to change the channel for awhile because I'm a little bit sick.

So anyway, we're down in order for our half, and it doesn't look as if anything exciting happened in the fourth except that New York wasted Jason Giambi's lead off single which was a nice switch from the 10 runs they tacked on after Mondesi's lead off single the last inning and with 1 out, Randy reached on an infield single for us but we don't score either.

Fifth inning.  Robin Ventura singles.  An out later and Almonte singles.  Then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.  Soriano singles which scores another run.  11-3 New York.  Then, Nick Johnson hit a sac fly, and New York scores another run and I score a big fat ulcer.

We do nothing.  I shout at the television. 

Sixth inning.  Blah blah blah , 2 outs, Posada, double, nobody gives a goddamn.  Our turn.  Edgar leads off with a single.  We don't score 10 runs.  We don't score 1 run.  We are evidently done scoring, but I'm not done being horrified with this stupid, awful game.

Seventh inning.  Still 12-3 New York.  Still feeling nauseated.  Still watching the Yankees score.  Still pissed off about it.  Giovanni Carrara came in to relieve Mateo.  Willie Bloomquist takes over for Bret, John Mabry takes over for Ichiro.  Laura takes some valium.  That assclown Mondesi who seems to always be on base, walks to lead things off.  Two outs later, and Nick Johnson singled. And just when you thought the inning was over, Jason Giambi goddamn hit a 3 run dinger and it's 15-3.  We do jackshit in our half.

Moving right along to the eighth inning, Arthur Rhodes relieved Giovanni and Matsui... doubled and then two outs later, that bitch Raul Mondesi tripled so let's make that 16-3 New York why don't we, and then that Reyes guy comes in for David Wells and Carlos walks and Mabry singles and an out later and Cammie walked and then Greg Colbrunn singled and we score a run and I'd be excited if he weren't still down by 12 and then Randy doubled and we score another run, and 16-5 as we head to the ninth.

Hey!  It's Kazuhiro Sasaki!  Welcome back Kaz!  Way to retire the side in order!  Finally, something positive to come out of this game!  So then somebody comes in to pitch for the Yankees and nobody cares who and Dan Wilson led off with a single and went to second on a passed ball, but you guessed it - we lost, the final out being made by Charles Gipson which really annoyed the bloody living hell out of me and it was only because Jay Buhner was broadcasting that I managed to even watch the end of this horrifying event.  Let's all focus on how great Jay is instead of this crapass game.  Click Here For Jay Is Great.