Mike Mussina Loses His Hottie Status

May 7, 2003

First of all, my apologies for the delay in getting this posted, but yesterday was a bit hectic and I won't bore you with all the details because I know you are all very excited to hear them and it certainly started off normal enough with me not getting my hair dry before I left for work because I hit snooze a time or six too many, and then I am annoyed by all the many drivers who haven't yet figured out on-ramps and turn signals, and then I get a cramp in my left leg from having to hold the clutch in, thanks to - YOU GUESSED IT - all the people who insist upon making the freeway a stop and go experience instead of the NO STOPPING EVER ON THE FREEWAY - EVER experience it should be.

So I get to work and start working on all the many reports I have to audit and I should explain that I work in the accounting division of my company and we receive, on average, 600-1000 expense reports daily, so things are always pretty busy and a bit hectic, but thankfully the majority of employees whose expense reports I audit are all pretty nice/intelligent/easy to work with, but there are few that are COMPLETE MORONS whose blatant incomprehension of exchange rates is going to give me a seizure one of these days, and SURE ENOUGH, the first report I pick up ends up taking me like TWO HOURS to get through and I am cranky until the afternoon when my friend Mickey and I get to chat with The Hot One, who - well, I don't really know what he does, but I like to flirt with him as his name is very fitting (I'm the one who suggested it after all).

And I've only given the website URL to a couple of them, but I should assure the people whose expense reports I audit that have been invited to the site, you are NOT in the moron group, don't worry.

So anyway, I then get a phone call from my Mom because my Grandpa, who was in the hospital for what we thought were going to be routine tests to figure out why he wasn't feeling well, was not having a good day and my Mom was anxious to get down to the hospital and long story short WHOOPS TOO LATE, I go to pick up my older nephew (Dylan) from kindergarten and meet my mom (Mom), sister (Paula) and younger nephew (Casey) at the hospital and my grandpa (Grampy - and yes, I am 27 years old and I still call my grandfather Grampy just like I did when I was 2) is feeling much better and everything's going pretty well even though they think he might need a new pacemaker and then there is my dad (Homer, as if you all didn't already know this) fussing over what channel the Mariners are going to be on and after visiting for awhile, I head home and turn the game on in my car.

So I'm driving along and am VERY HAPPY because the freeway is clear enough at this point that I can use cruise control and I must geekily confess that I LOVE cruise control and it is so nice not to have to repeatedly shift down while on the freeway, and with 2 outs, Jason Giambi singled but nobody cared because Joel Pineiro struck out Bernie Williams to end their half and then we are very, very unfortunately down in order.

So second inning and with 2 outs, Robin Ventura walked but then Raul Mondesi pops up for the third out and I am SO happy because the Yankees didn't score and I'm still on CRUISE CONTROL.  And as if that weren't enough, with 1 out, John "I'm Goin' Yard!" Olerud GOES YARD to put us up 1-0!

So third inning and blah blah blah Alfonso Soriano walked, New York doesn't score, and right about this time I'm getting home and I put my car in the garage and am going through my mail and flip on the TV and Carlos Guillen has just reached on a bunt single and an out later, and Ichiro - oh nevermind.

So fourth inning and Brutus is all pissed off because I haven't been home all day and so I get meowed at for like 10 minutes and meanwhile, New York has tied it, and I don't care to get into the details because that would involve a lot of swearing and high blood pressure, and then we do nothing but waste Bret Boone's double.

Fifth inning.  New York takes the lead 2-1.  I drop the F-bomb.  We don't do crap.  I have to change the channel out of concern for my health.  Plus, we all know I have to watch who gets kicked off of American Idol anyway, and it starts off with that idiot Ryan Seacrest blathering on in his usual obnoxious fashion, and then we get a medley that begins with Ruben, Clay and Josh singing 'Stayin Alive' and I squeal like an 11 year old because I love songs from John Travolta movies, especially when Clay sings them, although nothing's topping 'Grease', I don't care WHAT Simon thought of it.

So then we suffer through another lame Ford plug by the Idols and there is Ruben in an enormous suit all pimped out and there's Clay all nerdy who then ends up pimped out thanks to magic Ruben or something and they're singing 'It's All About the Money' or some such song I'm not hip enough to know the name of and anyway, Kim is in the bottom two as well she should be, and then Clay is safe and then Ruben is safe and Josh joins Kim in the bottom two circle and we have to go to commercial AGAIN and when we get back, Ryan, possessed of demons or perhaps just high off the fumes from his hair gel, shouts "JOSH YOU'RE OUT, KIM YOU'RE SAFE!" and I was like "what?!" because I didn't even get a chance to hardly look up from my magazine and it was really very sad because a) I can't stand Kimberly Locke, and b) Josh's wife was bawling in the audience and c) Josh singing to his baby daughter nearly did me in.

So I look back to the game and it's now 4-1 New York and I swear some more and refuse to discuss how this happened, and then we are down in order and heading off to the seventh and Julio Mateo relieved Joel and hit Soriano with a pitch and OH GODDAMMIT!  6-1 New York and then Giambi singled and I change the channel before I pop a blood vessel and Mateo retired the next three guys.

So bottom of the seventh and Bret led off with a single and then an out later and John Olerud hit a foul ball that Robin Ventura caught after half-falling into the dugout and since he caught it IN the dugout, it doesn't count which the umpire correctly calls and then Charles Gipson - that's right, Charles Gipson - is all arguing with the ump a bit and I am like "SHUT UP CHARLES GIPSON!" and I can't even tell you how WEIRD that was, and okay, I know he doesn't play for us anymore, but Charles, it's the YANKEES.  Shame on you for taking their side.  I don't care if you ARE one now, that is just SO WRONG.  So anyway, back at the plate, the ump calls a strike and a very loud (and very drunk, I suspect) fan is all hollering "WAKE UP!  THAT WAS A HORRIBLE CALL!" and that cracked up both Mike Cameron, who was in the on deck circle and I, who was NOT in the on deck circle because they won't let me down there which is really unfair if you ask me and John ended up making an out, but Mike singled and that scored Bret and it is now 6-2 as we head to the eighth.

So with 1 out, stupid Raul Mondesi walked and stole second and then I say something very unrepeatable because it's now 7-2 New York as some guy who I'd never really even HEARD of singled and we manage to get out of the inning without any more runs scoring but not before I have to change the channel so I don't have a massive coronary.

So then I am discovering some kind of dolphin show and NO WAIT, it is the Bachelor and one of the girls who is fighting for his attention, and I get suckered into watching a little bit and he and this chick end up retiring to some fancy suite where I'm fairly certain they did something that I bet her dad is freaking out over right about now, like who DOES IT on a TV show that their parents are going to watch?  MY GOD.  So anyway, he has to kick off one of the girls and we learn that he evidently spent the night with each of the final three girls on their "Fantasy Dates" or something, even the one whose fantasy date took place at a bowling alley in Arizona or something, I mean I would kill the guy who took me on an all-expenses-paid-fantasy-date to a BOWLING ALLEY instead of Hawaii to swim with the dolphins like the other girl got and regardless, I do NOT, for one second, get the appeal of competing for the attention of some guy who is doinking two other chicks while you throw yourself at him (and your parents are WATCHING THE SHOW!), and anyway, he kicks off the one who got to go to Hawaii and I bet her dad is all kinds of pissed now.

So then back to the game where it's not any better because Mike Mussina, who I used to think was pretty cute, has just struck out the side and he has officially lost his Hottie Status with me.  I loathe him now, officially.

So ninth inning and the Yankees are blessedly down in order, but we don't get anything going, except for Bret's infield single and we drop this one 7-2.