Grease is the Word

May 6, 2003

Photo by Jim Bates

What a great day.  This all began with an AWESOME video tribute to Edgar "Still the One" Martinez set to that old Orleans' song and then they presented Edgar with a plaque thing and watches for both him and his wife Holli, and then we are off to kick some Yankee ass as Jamie Moyer STRIKES OUT THE SIDE, including Jason Giambi who is sporting 5 o'clock shadow like nobody's business, which I thought was a huge violation of Steinbrenner's rules because he has this thing about them being clean-shaven, but maybe Jason is acting out because he's jealous of all the attention Steinbrenner has been giving to Derek "Party Boy" Jeter or something, and honestly, I think Steinbrenner is mostly giving Jeter a hard time because Jeter, unlike a lot of his teammates, possesses a great deal of class and refused to call Giambi to sell him on the Yankees during the offseason last year out of loyalty to his friend Tino Martinez, which I just thought was all kinds of cool.

So bottom of the first and Ichiro led off with a single and Brutus came over and sat on my paper that I'm making notes on but not before I write down how Jason Giambi has what looks like... BIRD POOP on the bill of his hat and anyway, Willie Bloomquist follows that with a single, and then we learn that a bunch of the boys went down to greet the USS Lincoln this morning and there's Jay and there's me shrieking with glee over getting to see Jay and I think that's so awesome that the M's went out to show their support and gratitude to the troops defending our country and with 2 on and nobody out...  I don't care to get into that.  I will say, however, that the two women in those exceptional Diamond Club seats behind homeplate who are yammering away to each other and not at all watching the game should be shot in the face.

So second inning and Jamie is all retiring the Yankees in order again which delights me no end and then John Olerud led off with a walk and was out at second on a fielder's choice by Mike Cameron and then we learn there is a Mariner hotline you can now call where Bret Boone tells you what he's wearing and I really cracked myself up with that, but anyway, you can get all the latest on Mariners news from this hotline and then Randy Winn singled and and then Jeff Cirillo grounded out and NO WAIT!  The shortstop, Eric Almonte can't seem to get ahold of the ball!  EVERYBODY'S SAFE!  BOSS!!  And then Dan Wilson grounded out, but that scored Mike, and then Ichiro singled and that scored Randy and Jeff and it is 3-0 Seattle as we head to the third!

So, Raul Mondesi, piece of crap that he is, leads off with a double and then two strike outs later, he stole third which nobody gave a damn about because Jamie promptly got Alfonso Soriano to foul out and end their half and we get to see more footage of the guys greeting the troops which I can't even tell you how much I dig and we don't do anything.

So then it is time for everybody's favorite Mariner/American Idol Switch Back & Forth portion of today's review and it's Bee-Gee night for the Final Four, and there's Ryan Seacrest with his not at all attractive bleached bedhead hair-do bothering Simon in one of his many pathetic attempts at humor, like can somebody PLEASE tell me how he ended up hosting this show?  So then we meet Robin of the Bee-Gees as our guest judge and see all the Bee-Gee hits including the song 'Grease' which makes me very happy as Grease is my all-time favorite movie EVER and then here comes Josh wearing... a huge, tacky... charm necklace?  And then he sings 'Jive Talkin' which I'm unable to fully focus on because I am distracted by that atrocious necklace he's wearing but then he evidently has been sniffing Ryan's hair gel because without warning he takes off galloping through the audience, wildly waving his arm around and pointing at everyone and making strange, scary faces into the cameras and maybe something is wrong with Josh's mother for not teaching her son that it isn't nice to point but regardless, the song itself wasn't sung that badly and he sounded decent and much better than he has sounded in weeks and the judges agree, although Simon pointed out how he shouted at times and was a bit manic.  I'd say he was a LOT manic, but okay.

So back to the game, top of the fourth, and there is 1 out with runners at the corners, and the Yankees have managed to score a run, and I could go backtracking and figure out how this all occurred but I think it's safe to say that nobody really gives a crap about the Yankees, or at least I certainly don't, so that settles that and then Jorge Posada grounded into a double play that was sweetly turned 6-4-3 and that made me very happy.

Photo by Dean Rutz

So speaking of making me happy, here is a new Aflac commercial and there is Chevy Chase and it's kind of funny when somebody price stickered the duck's butt, and it is certainly a LOT better than the lame Wayne Newton one they did awhile back, but I'm not sure they will ever top the roller coaster one or the one with Yogi but anyway, here comes Clay in a pinstriped suit and blue tie singing 'To Love Somebody' and he pretty much brings down the house and the judges are equally impressed and Robin is all saying that Clay sang it "the way the song should be sung" and Simon is all saying how Clay's performance was "one of the best" Simon has ever seen on any of the Idol shows he's been on and then unfortunately, Clay has to go talk to Ryan and Ryan points out how there is a group of girls with a 'Marry Me Clay' sign and he makes some comment about how it's hard enough to please ONE woman, let alone a group AS IF Ryan Seacrest would know the first thing about pleasing a woman.

So then here comes Miss Think I'm All That Kimberly Locke in black pants and a black shirt that strangely enough DON'T MATCH, like how hard is it to match your blacks?  Reds I could understand, but this is really inexcusable to not match your blacks and she does a dreadfully wretched rendition of 'I Just Wanna Be Your Everything' and I just wanted the song to be over and Paula Abdul says Kim is "classy", and I'm sorry, but informing Simon during the auditions that she "used to think he was sexy, but now [she] just thinks he sucks" is about as NON-classy as you can get and anyway, I recover from the near aneurysm Paula's comment caused me just in time to hear Simon announce "didn't do it for me" which I enjoyed a great deal.

So back to the game and it's still the bottom of the fourth and it is now 5-1 and evidently what happened is that with 1 out, Randy walked and then Cirillo singled and then Dan singled which scored Randy and then Ichiro singled which scored Cirillo and then Willie Bloomquist was safe on an error by Todd Zeile which scored Dan to make it 6-1 and an out later, Edgar walked after stupid Andy Pettitte threw a pitch unnecessarily inside and the announcers are all "I don't think Pettitte really wanted to pitch to Edgar", like who DOES really want to pitch to Edgar?  But we settle for the 3 runs although Niehaus got really excited when John Olerud hit a fly ball to right and started in all "BELTED!  DEEP TO RIGHT FIELD!" and I love it when Niehaus gets out the mustard and rye bread but it was not meant to be this time and meanwhile, Ruben is doing a nice job with 'Nights on Broadway'. 

So here's Josh again, and he's singing... 'To Love Somebody', which Clay already sang and I think this might be the stupidest move ever, but despite his excessive pointing, I thought he did a good job, which Simon concurred with by announcing "that was risky, but you pulled it off", although our Claymate Centerfold Shel has referred to Josh's version as the "trailer trash version" which cracks me up no end and then - OH GOD!  OH MY GOD!!!  CLAY IS SINGING 'GREASE'!!!!!!  I SQUEAL LIKE AN 11 YEAR OLD AND CLAP MY HANDS TOGETHER!  HERE HE COMES IN A RED LEATHER JACKET AND MATCHING SHOES!  THIS KICKS ASS!  HE EVEN DANCES A LITTLE BIT WHICH MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD!  Simon hated this performance, but I think it's because he secretly covets Clay's big red clown shoes.

So then top of the fifth and things are looking a little scary so I change the channel back and there's Ryan in the audience and there's a really nerdy guy in a suit carrying on like a buffoon in the background and then here comes Kim in clothes that are once again TOO TIGHT and she butchers 'Emotions' where she does this scream/squeal/voicecracking thing for like a full minute before it's blessedly over and when she goes to sit down next to Ryan afterwards and I really thought she was going to explode out the top of her shirt, like tuck those things down, there are children watching!  So Ryan, unaffected by this, as bursting bosoms - or bosoms in general I imagine, evidently aren't his bag, announces Ruben next, who does an excellent version of 'How Can You Mend A Broken Heart' which was nearly ruined by the seizure-inducing screen they had behind him, like my GOD, someone call the props people and get that fixed.

So I tune back to the game just as Jason Giambi is popping up with 2 on and 1 down and then Bernie Williams walked, but we get out of the bases loaded jam thanks to a groundout from Matsui and it is now 6-3 Seattle, and I could tell you how the runs scored, but we've been over this:  I don't care.

So bottom of the fifth and Randy Winn led off with a single that went right between Pettitte's legs and totally cracked me up and then Cirillo singled, and with runners at the corners, the Yankees make a pitching change and Reyes comes in and Dan Wilson said hi with a single that scored Randy and moved Jeff to third and then an out later and Bloomie walked and then Bret Boone hit what should've been a ground out but Zeile made an error trying to get it and then Almonte got in his way when he tried to throw it to first and you can very plainly see Zeile yell "GODDAMN!" and get all pissy with Almonte and I was kind of hoping they'd get into a fight, because how funny and just would it be if the Yankees all started kicking their own asses, and anyway, we got a run on the error and as we head to the sixth, it's 8-3 Seattle.

So sixth inning, and Shiggy came in for Jamie and with two outs, Bubba Trammell doubled but nobody cared because Almonte grounded out thanks to a nice play by Bloomie and then we waste John's big nasty double that he led off with, so let's just move along to the seventh where they show us a really cool picture of the moon and everybody's down in order on both sides.

Eighth inning and Giovanni Carrara came in for Shiggy and gave up 2 back to back singles before getting Posada to foul out and then here comes Mondesi again, who couldn't be bothered to dress himself before the game as his top two buttons are undone and he hits into a fielder's choice and then Bubba singles which scored a run and then Robin Ventura came in to pinch hit and Jeff Nelson came in to face him and Ventura singled which scored another run and royally pissed me off and we also get to see Charles Gipson there in a Yankee uniform which is kind of sad and then Soriano walked to load the bases and then Nellie K'd Zeile and was all "YEAH!" as was I.

"Yeah!" by Jeff Nelson - Photo by Scott Eklund

Bottom of the eighth, 8-5 Seattle and that Choate guy came in to pitch for New York and Bret hit the ball so that it bounced really high in the infield and then hauled ass down to first and was safe by the time the ball came down, so give the man an infield hit and then Edgar walked and then Ole ripped another big nasty double which scored Bret and Edgar went to third and Mark McLemore came in to run for him and a pitching change later and Mike Cameron TRIPLED which scored another 2 runs and then an out later and Cirillo singled which scored Mike and it is 12-5 New York when the dust finally settles.

Ninth inning and Arthur Rhodes comes in and gets two quick outs and then Matsui doubles and then scores because Posada doubled right after that and then Mondesi TOTALLY went around for strike three but the stupid umpire somehow missed this and the next thing you know, Mondesi doubled like the pinstriped bastard he is and that scored Posada but then Bubba grounded out to end it and we win 12-7.