My Birthday Rules!
May 3, 2003
So the 27th anniversary of the day of my birth began with Mom, Homer, Paula, The Nephews, my friend Jennifer and I taking the Safeco Field Tour which was rather excellent and we got to see all the behind the scenes stuff at the Safe except for the Mariners' clubhouse because people are stupid and lame and steal things, and okay, I do confess to making jokes about how I would loot the place but I would never actually DO so, and anyway, we got to see the suites, and the offices, and all the behind the scenes stuff, and the press room which is where I want to sit from now on to watch games, and Casey was like "I GO DOWN THERE!" and pointed at the field, announcing there would be BUGS down there which are his favorite thing, and we got to see the visitor's clubhouse, where they still have the leather sofa that the Chicago White Sox catcher from game three of the 2000 American League Championship Playoffs kicked a hole through after we swept them which I thought was pretty funny and the best part was definitely the Mariners dugout even though they wouldn't let me make the call down to the bullpen and my sister and Mom pretty much spent the duration of our time on the field trying to keep Dylan from falling down the dugout steps and Casey from stomping the grass and our tour guide, who was very cool was talking about how Bret eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game and I am all "so, I heard they retired Jay Buhner's locker, is that true?" and the guy is all "yes", and I am all "CAN I GO SEE IT PLEASE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" but he was all "no, really, their clubhouse is LOCKED, I swear it" and so we finish up the tour and as we are heading back inside through the visitor's dugout, we get to the outer tunnel and the guide is all, "so, you said you liked Edgar Martinez, right?" and I go "I LOVE Edgar Martinez!" and the guy is all "okay, stay right there" and he unlocks the door to this room and I have to confess, even though Edgar is in Chicago at the moment playing the White Sox, I DID have the fleeting thought that Edgar was going to pop out of that room and so I started to follow the guide and he shooed me back out and he comes out with a BAT with Gar's name on it and I am all "OH MY GOD THANK YOU!" and this other lady on the tour is all jealous and then we start heading back to the team store where the tour began and I am all "so, does Jay Buhner come to the stadium when the team is traveling?" and the guy is all "he comes all the time" and I am all semi-hysterical "WE HAVE TO FIND HIM!" but the guy insisted he wasn't there THAT day but I still am pretty happy because I have a BAT!
So then we head back to our cars and this takes us like an hour because the boys are stopping at every break in the sidewalk to see if it has bugs in it and then Dylan, and strangely enough Homer, want to go to Bullwinkle's, or the Moose Place as Dylan calls it, even though it's MY birthday and I really don't care for the Moose Place, but I'm like "yeah okay whatever" because your options are kind of limited with 2 and 5 year olds, plus we had a lot of time to kill before dinner and so we play miniature golf where both the boys cheat which they probably get from me because I cheat as well, and then Paula and Homer took them on the go-karts because they'd never taken them before and I had even though I had to lie since Dylan hadn't QUITE been 3 at the time, but we lied again today even though Casey's not quite 3 now either, and Paula does not drive them as fast as I do but Dylan still had fun anyway and then my Mom and I crack up talking about how much I loved go-karts when I was younger and how she thought I was going to kill myself and everyone else on the track because I never let up on the gas and then I ran into my friend Pam (I mean I saw my friend Pam today, I didn't run her down with a go-kart when I was younger) which was very cool because I hadn't seen her in a very long time, and then the family and I went out to dinner where I suffered through the singing waiters and waitresses and meanwhile, in a big birthday shout out to me...
Randy Winn is all leading off with a big nasty double and then an out later and Bret is walking and then Mike "Happy Birthday Laura!" Cameron is all KNOCKING ONE YARD and we take a 3-0 nothing lead and an out later and Greg Colbrunn singled before we head off to the bottom half where some Harris guy reaches on a 1-out bunt single, but nobody cares because they don't score him.
"It's tough not putting Edgar's name in the lineup, and giving Ichiro a full night off. But Cammy picked us all up. It appears he likes this park." - Bob Melvin
So second inning and Jeff Cirillo led off with a walk and then an out later and Randy singled and then Willie Bloomquist hit into a fielder's choice and Randy was out at second and then Bret walked again which loaded the bases and then Mike, instead of a cake, ripped a big nasty TRIPLE for me to clean the bases off which I thought was really nice and we are now leading it 6-0 as we head to the bottom half where Freddy Garcia struck out Jose Valentin and Carlos Lee before giving up a harmless single to some Daubach guy, but then he got Crede to fly out to end the inning.
So top of the third and with 1 out, Carlos Guillen walked and an out later and Dan Wilson singled and Carlos went to third and Dan ended up at second on the throw in but we surprisingly enough don't score them and then with 1 out, Jiminez walked for Chicago and a fielder's choice later, everybody is safe on an error by Freddy Garcia, like evidently Freddy forgot it was my birthday or maybe he realized he didn't get me a present and got so flustered he messed up, I'm not really sure, but there is no harm done as Chicago fails to score anyway.
Fourth inning and we are getting back from dinner about this time and the boys immediately began scattering toys all over my parents' living room and the rest of us all sort of all head for a couch or a chair except for my Mom who I don't think has sat down in all the 27 years I've known her and we have cake and ice cream while Bret is walking with 1 out and then an out later John Olerud is reaching on an infield singer and then Chicago makes a pitching change and then Colbrunn walked to load the bases and then Carlos ripped a big nasty double to clear them all off and then Jeff Cirillo singled to score Carlos and when the dust settles, it is 10-0 Mariners and Casey has chocolate cake all over his face.
So bottom of the fourth and Freddy retires the side in order, so moving right along to the fifth, Bret singled with 2 outs, and then Cammie walked but we surprisingly enough don't score them and then that Crede guy unfortunately knocked one out to lead things off for Chicago but Freddy regroups and retires the next three batters in order.
So sixth inning and we're surprisingly down in order and so is Chicago, so moving right along to the seventh, Chocolate Cake Face is playing with his computerized sea-life information board thing on my lap, and this thing is actually really very cool and I bet you all didn't know that Giant Squids have eyes the size of basketballs and Dan Wilson walked and an out later and Bloomie singled and then Mabry came in for Bret and Chicago made another pitching change and an out later and Cammie walked but that was as exciting as it got and then we move a lot of people around but I couldn't keep it all straight because Dylan was showing me my special birthday picture that he drew me and I don't think it is possible for you to truly understand how adorable my nephews are, but anyway, Julio Mateo comes in to pitch for Freddy and he retired the White Sox in order in spite of the enormous necklace he was wearing.
Eighth inning and Billy Koch came in to pitch for Chicago and with 1 out, Carlos singled and then Jeff Cirillo, wanting to wish me a happy birthday and make amends for his Lou Piniella bashing, knocked one out to make it 12-1 Seattle and before we head to the bottom half I should mention that Randy Winn had an infield single because he was also hoping I'd have a nice day.
So bottom of the eighth and Chicago gets a couple of base runners thanks to an infield single and a walk but nobody really cares, or more importantly, I don't, and it's my recap and so I'm not getting into the details and will instead be moving along to the ninth inning where some Marte guy comes in for Koch and strikes out the side which really wasn't very nice at all considering it is my BIRTHDAY, but whatever, and then Giovanni Carrara came in to finish off the White Sox and forgot it was my birthday and accidentally gave up a solo shot to that Rios guy, but we still won 12-2 so no big deal.
