This Was Just Wrong.

All Of It.

April 30, 2003

It was not a good day.  I really don't want to talk about this game, but if I didn't, I'd feel like a loser bandwagon Yankee fan and I'm not sure there's really anything worse than all of the numbskulls who latch on to anything with a winning record, who boo their own players with the slightest provocation and throw shit all over the field of what is a beautiful, historic monument, I mean I HATE the Yankees, but any true baseball fan has to appreciate the history and magnificence of Yankee Stadium and who THROWS SHIT ALL OVER A BASEBALL FIELD OF ANY KIND ANYWAY and before I really get going, let's just move along with this dreadful game.

First inning and guess what we do - jackshit.  So yeah this is going to be one of those reviews where I'll need to swear a bit, and then the Yankees... Jamie Moyer... there is an imposter in a Jamie Moyer suit and... okay then, 5-0 New York.

So luckily, I'm running errands and not having to see this because Jamie is my favorite pitcher and I hate to see him have a bad night, especially against the Yankees, and let's face it, I'm not exactly a good sport and don't react at all like a grown up to losing, unless you find name calling and profanity mature I guess, and anyway, as far as I can tell, not one shitting thing happens in the second and third inning for either side, so let's just move along to the fourth.

Nothing, nothing, blah blah blah... and my Mom, who is running my errands with me, and I decide to stop and have dinner and we sit in the bar so that she can smoke which is truly revolting and so I can see the score on the Mariner game because I had it on the radio in my car earlier but didn't really know what was going on since my Mom and I were busy making fun of the whackjob pedestrians we kept spotting and I walk up to the TV where the game is playing and ask the guy sitting there what the score is because they're doing an instant replay of somebody's base hit and he is all "5-0 YANKEES, WHAT A BUNCH OF SHIT!" and I stagger back about 3 feet from the fumes off his breath and I'm really shocked because this guy is old enough to be my father and here he is drunk in a bar on a Wednesday afternoon/early evening and it's very odd to me because I've seen my father have maybe two drinks in my entire almost-27 years, and my mother every once in a very great while will take a sip of something and then pretty much have to go lie down, so I'm just completely dumbfounded that this fatherly like guy is on his lips because parents DRINKING is such a non-concept to me, but I digress and where were we anyway?  Fourth,  fifth, sixth, nothing, nothing and nobody gives a damn.

So seventh inning and I've just gotten home and have flipped on the TV and am half paying attention and half looking at my mail and fussing with the answering machine and with 2 outs, Jeff Cirillo singled and then Dan Wilson walked and then Ichiro was safe on an error which scored Jeff and I don't see this because I am trying to get my pen back from Brutus who is knocking it around the linoleum, and this cat has like HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS worth of cat toys and there he is with my cheap ballpoint pen that I probably accidentally stole from somewhere and it is now 5-1 New York as we head to the bottom half where Julio Mateo comes in for Jamie, and at least Jamie settled down after the inning we will never speak of again and New York tries real hard to score but they are unsuccessful just as they deserve to be.

So eighth inning and that Acevedo guy relieved Andy Pettitte who I don't really care for either, like pretty much the entire starting staff of the Yankees has pissed me off at one time or another and the Avocado guy is greeted with a big Bret Boone homerun and it's now 5-2 Yankees, and then Edgar walked and then Mike Cameron singled and I am digging Acevedo big time and then a pitching change and two outs later, Cirillo walked to load the bases and then Dan Wilson singled which scored Gar and Cammie and it's a 1-run ballgame as we head to the bottom half where Giovanni Carrara came in for Mateo and with 1 out, he... hit Jorge Posada, who is one of the few likable Yankees, I mean if you're going to plunk somebody, I can suggest several better candidates, my first choice being that retired assclown Paul O'Neill, and then GODDAMMIT!  Okay, so with 2 on, F-BOMB!  So 6-4 New York, runners at 2nd and 3rd and here comes Shiggy, and an out and an intentional walk later - SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Ninth inning, 8-4 New York, and with 1 out, Bret walked and then an out later he stole second but it was ruled as indifference and then Mike ripped a big nasty double which scored him, and it's 8-5 Yankees and that's what it will stay unfortunately.

So then it's time for American Idol and there's Ryan Seacrest wearing some monstrosity of a striped shirt that has this annoyingly out-of-place neon green patch on it for reasons unknown and he prattles on in his usual obnoxious fashion and then here come the final five out to sing a medley and I have to say, it's not the best medley they've done and I'm really not all that impressed with the way it's going until Trenyce starts belting out Aretha's 'Chain of Fools' and is all "CHAIN CHAIN CHAIN!" and they SHOULD have all stopped and done the John-Travolta-as-Michael dance to that but they don't and the best part of all was when they sang the Mama's and Papa's 'Monday Monday' because I love the harmony of that song and they really needed MORE CLAY during that entire thing.

So then here comes Burt Bacharach and Paula Abdul has a stroke over this and he is here to plug his cd where the idols sang 'What the World Needs Now Is Love' and there is Carmen and there is Julia and there is Kimberly Caldwell in some really ugly pants and shoes that don't at all go with them and there is Rickey Smith and it all sounds pretty good, although Josh's facial expressions are kind of annoying, and I really could've done without Julia's weird "solo" where she sings the last word of the song all by herself, like how weird was THAT and then we suffer through their weekly Ford-plugging and then we are drug around the Boston Public soundstage because Tamyra Gray is guest starring on it, and evidently they consider that reason enough that we should have to sit through this tour, and then... oh crap.  It's Justin Guarini out to sing his new song 'I Saw Your Face' and I think the real question is, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR HAIR JUSTIN?  Because seriously man, it's out of control.  So he warbles out this song and it is truly one of the worst songs I've ever heard and I really wish they'd skip all this crap and just kick somebody off already.

So then there's Kelly Clarkson in the audience and Justin won't leave the stage because he's still up there singing and this song has GOT to be over by now and I swear this song goes on FOR-E-VER, and then we watch the idols go to a movie premiere, like WHY do we need to see this?  The only mildly exciting part was when they met Hugh Jackman, and even then I couldn't enjoy it because Hugh's hair was all long and crappy looking, and I was incredibly annoyed by Josh's ENORMOUS necklace and Kimberly Locke's ridiculous black hat and then they do a spoof on the X-Men movie by making Trenyce's eyes glow which was so moronically stupid I almost had to turn it off right there, like PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHO IS LEAVING.

So FINALLY it is time for the results and unfortunately, Kimberly Locke is safe and then Clay is safe which makes me very happy and he winks at Paula and then Trenyce is told she's in the bottom two which I think is wrong because she sang her ass off yesterday and she is WAY BETTER than Miss Think-I'm-All-That-Locke and then Ruben is safe and NO WAIT.  Did Seacrest just say that Ruben was in the bottom two this week?  WHAT?  And then they pan to Simon who is having the same reaction did as he is all "WHAT?!" as well and then they pan to Josh who is also shocked that he's safe and Ruben isn't and Josh is hiding his face in his hands and I have to say that this is quite possibly the most ludicrous vote I have ever seen.

So then Ruben and Trenyce each sing a song and Trenyce sings her roaring take on 'Proud Mary' and then Ruben sings 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do' and there's Randy and Paula slow dancing and then there's Randy and Simon dancing hand in hand and yes you read that right, and FYI, Simon is leading and then Ruben is safe and Trenyce gets the kick and closes out this disgusting turn of events with a lovely take on 'Love Will Keep Us Together' and I just cannot even believe Kimberly Locke is still on this show.