You've Got To Be Shitting Me

You Have Got To Be Shitting Me

April 26, 2003

So this complete bunch of bullshit began with Ryan Franklin retiring the side in order and then we didn't do anything either, so let's just move along to the second inning where Detroit again does nothing and we don't fair much better wasting John Olerud's double and all.

So third inning and some Monroe guy singled but that was it, so our turn and Carlos Guillen walked and then Ben Davis went yard and I'd do that whole "I'm Goin Yard" thing but I'm much too pissed off over this bullshit game and the bullshit umpires umpiring it and we take a two nothing lead and I cracked up at Ben motoring around the bases as fast as he was and then an out later and the shortstop made a really nice stop on Randy Winn's grounder and Randy ended up out and then Bret singled and then Edgar lined a base hit that almost took out the pitcher and it's about this time that I notice the pitcher for Detroit, Gary Knotts, is really adorable and I kind of start to feel sorry for him since he's playing for a team that is 2-19 and then the pitching coach makes a visit and Detroit's pitching coach is named Bob Cluck which makes me giggle and reminds me of my Mom who refers to Kentucky Fried Chicken as Colonel Cluckies and we very unfortunately don't score anymore.

Fourth inning and Halter led off with a homer and it's now 2-1 Seattle and then Franklin walked stupid Carlos Pena and 2 outs later, Pena stole second but then we picked him off and that me happy. So our turn and with 2 outs, Carlos Guillen singled and then went to second on a wild pitch and the loudspeaker guys start playing 'Ain't That A Shame' by Fats Domino and I feel bad for the really cute pitcher but we are unable to use his wild pitch to our advantage so I'm over it soon enough.

Fifth inning and some Munson guy singled and then some Monroe guy doubled and an out later and some Infante guy singled and we have a tie game and then Bobby Higginson singled and they took the lead 3-2 and meanwhile Red is talking about how Higginson wasn't very happy with that hit because he really didn't hit it that well or something and I have to say that Higginson is probably more happy with that hit than I am, because quite frankly that hit really PISSED ME OFF. So they don't score any more and we head to the bottom half where with 1 out, Winn walked and then Bret singled and then here comes the Clucker which probably isn't Bob Cluck's nickname but I think it should be because that's a very cool nickname and during the visit to the mound, they pan to Edgar who is smiling with his fetching goatee and then the cute pitcher loses about 5,000 cool points for making that incredilby-stupid-looking-1st-to-3rd-check-the-runners-move and then Edgar walked to load the bases and then John walked to force in a run and we have a tie game and they make a pitching change and the cute pitcher leaves to 'Hit the Road Jack' and I felt bad for him again and here comes Detroit's bat boy in to pitch and NO WAIT, it is actually a guy named Walker who is on their roster and NOT the bat boy and Willie Bloomquist, in for John Mabry, hit a sac fly and we take the lead 4-3 and unfortunately don't score any more after that.

So sixth inning and evidently Carlos Guillen has been drinking again because he just lobbed a routine grounder right over John Olerud's head and stupid Dmitri Young is safe on that error and then an out later and that Munson guy walked and then Monroe singled to load the bases and then Inge hit a sac fly to tie the game and I am all kinds of pissed off as we head to the bottom half 4-all and proceed to do absolutely nothing.

Seventh inning and with 1 out, Halter reached on an infield single and Carlos Pena singled and with runners at the corners, Bob Melvin came out to get Ryan Franklin who wasn't very happy about it if my lip reading skills are to be trusted and enter Giovanni Carrara who got what should've been a double play only that assclown Carlos Pena decided to go out of his way to take out Bret and a run scored and I dropped the f-bomb and Bret's pissed and Bob's pissed and I think we all know that I'M pissed and the jackass umpire refuses to listen to Bob's valid argument of how out of line Pena was and then Palmer flew out to end the inning that technically was already over and where a run SHOULD NOT HAVE GODDAMN SCORED and we are trailing 5-4 and then to add insult to injury, there is that revolting viagra-motor-oil commercial that makes me want to vomit every time that creepy guy shakes his bottle of viagra at his creepy wife.

So bottom of the seventh and some guy named German relieved the bat boy since it was past his bedtime I guess and Randy Winn reached on an infield single and NO WAIT! THE BLIND AS A BAT BASTARD UMPIRE CALLED HIM OUT! HOW TRULY BIZARRE THAT RANDY IS OUT WHEN MY NEMESIS, CARLOS ASSCLOWN PENA TOOK HIS FOOT OFF THE BAG!! Evidently I'm not the only one who feels this way, because here comes Bob! This umpire is a jackass as well, and won't listen to reason, so with 1 down, Bret grounded out and if I were Bret, I would've gone CLEAT-FIRST into Pena while I was running out my grounder, and then Edgar singled and then Olerud doubled and we manage not to score them.

Eighth inning and with 1 down, Monroe walked which I miss because I am still busy throwing things and Inge singled but they don't score and Mark McLemore leads off with a walk and then Carlos reached on a bunt single and then Ben sacrificed them over and then Ichiro, possessed of demons, popped up and Randy Winn grounded out and I heave my coaster as far as I can throw it down the hallway.

Ninth inning. I can't talk about what Detroit did without popping a blood vessel as I am a very poor sport and this game has been BULLSHIT since that ump let Pena get away with his completely out of line taking out of Bret and we should've scored in our half but we don't and I'm very sorry to say we lose this 6-4 and I don't think I hate ANYTHING MORE ON THIS PLANET than sloppy umpiring and sloppy baseball, both of which ran rampant this evening and the title of this recap can just serve as a nice shoutout to Burt Boone, who was unfairly attacked when Pena tried to break up the double play and went COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE TO DO SO. Ass.