Grand Cam

April 22, 2003

So this game began with me cracking up thinking about how badly Homer hates Freddy Garcia's "beard" because evidently my aversion to weird facial hair is an inherited trait and anyway, Freddy retires the side in order and Ichiro is safe on an error and 2 outs later he steals second but that's as exciting as it gets so let's just move along to the second inning.

With 1 out, Matt Lawton singles but nobody really cares because they don't score him and I have to say that it is still weird for me that Lawton isn't playing for Minnesota and speaking of weird and Minnesota how BIZARRE and SCARY is the double life of Kirby Puckett, I mean, that just really, truly freaks me out and not in a good way, so let's instead get back to the game where John Olerud singled and 2 outs later, Jeff Cirillo reached on an infield single only we fail to score which made me kind of sad but not nearly as sad as all the former Kirby Puckett fans once the scandals started breaking I bet.

So third inning and with 2 outs, the unfortunately named Milton Bradley walked and then Omar Vizquel singled and I've always liked Little O, even when I thought he'd lost his mind in that whole "Arthur's Diamonds Are Blinding Me Incident", I mean, I don't think I would be messing with Arthur Rhodes, but anyway, with 2 on, our Garcia got their Garcia to pop up and end the inning, so no harm done, and unfortunately, the same can be said for our half as we failed to cause any harm ourselves, what with wasting Ichiro's lead off double and all.

So fourth inning and it is time for the American Idol / Mariners Game Switch Back & Forth Hour, and there is Kimberly Locke in some horrifying pants that don't at all fit her, as they are too small and too short and too ghastly to be believed and then she pretty much butchered the crap out of "If You Ask Me To" and there's Simon looking rather rakish and adorable and speaking of adorable, there is Clay singing "I Could Not Ask For More" which he does a brilliant job of and for some reason, the judges seem to be in denial that he's as great as he is, which I can't for one second fathom as Clay is the only one who has been consistently magnificent throughout this entire show and I flip back to the game and evidently Cleveland didn't do anything worth mentioning since there is still no score and it's the bottom half of the fourth at this point and John Olerud is on second base having led off with a double and then Mike Cameron gets hit in the ass with a pitch only instead of sitting down and crying like I would if I got hit with a pitch he trots off to first and then Carlos Guillen, who STILL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DRESS HIMSELF sacrificed them over and it is seriously going to give me a breakdown if he can't button up his jersey before he takes the field and then Cirillo is hit with a pitch and with the bases loaded, Dan Wilson rips a big nasty double to clean them all off which is exactly what CC Sabathia deserved for beaning everybody anyway, and then Ichiro reached on an infield single but we settle for Dan's 3 RBI's, and meanwhile, back at American Idol, the-ever annoying Ryan Seacrest, being not cute and not funny in his usual fashion, like it BLOWS ME AWAY that this guy is employed as a host because I can't imagine that anyone finds him the least bit entertaining or witty or charming or amusing or ANY OF THE THINGS A HOST SHOULD BE, is wearing some horrible looking zipper-frenzied shirt thing that reminds me of Michael Jackson in his Beat It days and he introduces everybody's favorite felon, Trenyce, who, dressed in a dog collar and wearing a belt that could double as weaponry, sings... something... but I'm distracted by her HAIR being stuck to her overly-lipsticked-lip the entire time and couldn't tell you what song it was, and I really don't get that whole gigantic cuff at the bottom of your too short jeans over stilettos look that she's sporting and the judges were nicer to her than they were to Clay, but I think it's only because they were scared of her belt.

So fifth inning and Freddy gives up a solo leadoff homerun to some Hafner guy which wasn't nearly as upsetting as Josh Gracin singing 'I'll Never Stop Loving You' with his jeans unfastened and you read that correctly, his jeans are NOT FASTENED and an out later and Milton Bradley singled and an out after that and Cleveland's Garcia singled but they don't score any more and it's 3-1 Seattle as we head to the bottom half and there's Rick and Hindo in the booth and Hindo is wearing his cowboy hat since it's country western night at Safeco Field and I think Bret Boone should play in chaps because how awesome would that be and with 2 outs, we waste back to back singles from Mike Cameron and Carlos Guillen and for some reason Fox is AGAIN advertising that Michael Jackson home video thing as if anybody wants to see that, I mean seriously, I can't imagine anything more horrifying than having to watch Michael Jackson's birthday parties and creepy kid get togethers and general freakishness, except perhaps, having to watch Carmen Rasmusson think she can sing 'Love Will Lead You Back' which was truly dreadful and if she doesn't get booted tomorrow I will be completely amazed, and as if that performance wasn't bad enough, she somehow managed to be MORE irritating than Ryan was when she went to talk to him after her song, what with as full of herself and generally obnoxious as she's become, and anyway, Fox is all "you'll get to see the REAL Michael Jackson!" and I hate to tell them this, but I saw the REAL Michael Jackson about 8 noses and 4 chins ago and I didn't think he was all that great.

So sixth inning and Cleveland's down in order and Ruben, with the second best performance of the evening, sang 'Music of My Heart' and he sounded exactly the same as he does every week and I have to say the absolute best part of American Idol this evening, besides Clay of course, was when Simon outed Ryan not that it was really a secret, and I have no idea why Ryan won't just come out already, but he was harassing Simon's girlfriend in the audience and then Simon is all "where's Arthur?" and Ryan was all "shut up!" and this could've meant any number of things I suppose, but the only one not aware of Ryan's sexual preference seems to be Ryan himself and he would be a lot more likeable if he would quit pretending to be something he's not, and would instead discuss how in love with Simon he is instead of discussing his stupid highlights.

So bottom of the sixth and Mulholland relieved Sabathia and with 1 out, Ichiro walked but we unfortunately don't do anything else, so let's just move along to the seventh inning and with 1 out, some Phillips guy who also can't be bothered to dress himself before the game singled and can SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME what is up with that not-buttoning-your-jersey up thing and then Milton Bradley walked and then Brutus wanted in and when I came back, Shiggy had relieved Freddy and John Olerud made this totally sweet play on Omar's grounder and he's all calm and nonchalant about it, and if it had been me I would've started screaming and flailing my arms everywhere and would've had to have been taken out of the game, but a walk later and Bret made a nice catch to end their half and we head off to the bottom of the seventh where Edgar walked, and a double play later and Cammie walked but that's it.

So eighth inning, still 3-1 Seattle, and with 1 out, some Bard guy hit a ground rule double and some Blake guy flew out and the Bard guy thought about going to third but then thought better of it, like THAT'S RIGHT YOU GET BACK TO SECOND and Artie relieved Shiggy and Omar wet his pants JUST KIDDING and some Spencer guy singled which scored the Bard guy and then the Spencer guy went to second on a wild pitch but we come away from it still leading 3-2 and are unfortunately down in order and I am still annoyed that Carlos can't dress himself.

So ninth inning and Kazu relieved Artie and Milton Bradley led things off with a single which made me very unhappy and then Omar tried to bunt but Danny made an EXCELLENT lunge to catch it and then their Garcia walked and you can tell Kazu isn't feeling his best and sure enough, Ellis Burks singled, tying the game and royally pissing me off and then Lawton popped out and then Rick Griffin and the guys came out and evidently Kazu was hurt and as he left the mound, most people were clapping, but I heard a few boos which was COMPLETELY uncalled for, I mean Kazu has done pretty goddamn well for us, it isn't like he's Jose Mesa where blown saves seem to occur more often than not and if you're going to go all fair-weather-fan-like let me point you a few thousand miles east to Yankee Stadium where all bandwagon losers go and anyway, Giovanni Carrara came in for Kazu and... walked the bases loaded... and then some Selby guy... singled... which scored 2 runs... and the Indians lead it 5-3... and I briefly lose consciousness but wake up just in time to see Mike Cameron make an EXCELLENT catch to save another 2 runs.

"We knew we had a chance.  We knew we weren't done yet." - Bret Boone

So bottom of the ninth and this poor bastard Baez relieved Mulholland and Randy Winn reached on an infield single and then Bret walked and then Edgar singled which scored Randy and Bret hustled around to third and Willie Bloomquist came in to run for Gar and then Ole walked the bases loaded and then Mike "I'm GOIN YARD, GRAND SLAM BABY!" Cameron WENT YARD for a WALK OFF GRAND SLAM and we win it 8-5 and Brutus runs into the other room because I'm making such a ruckus and there is the Mariner Moose wearing a new outfit which for some reason, majorly cracked me up.  The Moose was on the field I mean.  Not in my house.

 "I'm proud of the way we came back.  We were playing a good club and we fought hard. But they took it right back from us. We're slowly moving in the right direction." - Eric Wedge, Cleveland's cute new manager