This Was Such Crap

April 19, 2003

I don't even want to review this game because frankly, there is only so much a person can take and I'm still recovering from the aneurysm I suffered as a result of that bullshit ninth inning if you will just please pardon my language which is bound to get worse by the time I'm done with this one.

So it starts out with Randy Winn insisting the umpire go look at Kevin Appier's ball, and Randy makes an out and then Carlos who can't be bothered to dress himself also makes an out and if he doesn't button up the front of his uniform I am seriously going to have to fly to Los Angeles and button it for him, like how SLOPPY to leave your uniform unbuttoned and then Bret walked and Edgar singled but we don't score and head to the bottom half where Eckstein was hit by a pitch because he crowds the plate and should probably get beaned really good right in the cup so he learns not to do that anymore, and then Erstad reached on an infield single, and then Tim Salmon who sticks his ass out into leftfield with his ridiculous batting stance singled which scored Eckstein and Garrett Anderson whose batting helmet is too small for his head strikes out and Troy Glaus walked and Joel Pineiro strikes out Fullmer and gets Speizio to ground out to end the inning and we head to the second trailing 1-0.

So then I'm talking to my friend Shel who was treated to a message from me on her answering machine when I was at the game Thursday and she plays it for me and I evidently didn't realize I was even TALKING on her machine because I am jabbering away about various things, sprinkled in with some singing and a couple of "where's Glenn"'s which reminded me that Glenn was gone for quite awhile towards the end of the game and came back with a pretzel and the one thing you should know regarding Glenn and pretzels is that he can't eat them without getting mustard everywhere and sure enough there is mustard all over his hands which I plainly saw right before I hi-fived him if that gives you any indication of how delayed my reactions were and with 1 out, John Mabry walked and then Ben Davis doubled which scored him and tied the game and then Mac went yard to put us up 3-1 and then Randy was hit by a pitch and unfortunately he didn't charge the mound and we don't score any more and then Anaheim is down in order.

So third inning and some Shields guy relieved Appier and with 2 outs, Mike was safe on an error and then scored on Mabry's single and then Ben singled and Mabry scored and Mac walked but that was as exciting as it got and we are now leading 5-1 and Anaheim is down in order and Mac made a very sweet play on Garrett Anderson's grounder to third.

So fourth inning and Carlos doubled and an out later and Edgar singled and Carlos ended up scoring on an error when Salmon bobbled it and John walked but we settle for the 1 run and are now leading 6-1 and with 1 out, Fullmer doubled and an out later he scored on a single from Molina and we head off to the fifth but not before Carlos Guillen's crappy looking unbuttoned jersey continues to BOTHER THE HELL OUT OF ME.

6-2 Seattle and Mabry led off with a double that Big Head almost made a nice catch on and I don't know Garrett Anderson and I don't want to make accusations, but when someone's batting helmet is too small for them that is usually a big red flag for steroids and I have no idea why MLB isn't cracking down on this but anyway, we don't do anything else and Anaheim scores 2 in their half to piss me off and cut our lead to 6-4 and I could tell you how, but I'm sure that nobody really gives a good goddamn although I think the error Carlos Guillen made here was probably due to his uniform BEING UNBUTTONED AND SLOPPY because you probably play the way you look.

Sixth inning and we waste Edgar's walk and they waste that Figgins' guy's single, so seventh inning and Cammie singled and then Mabry hit what would've been a double play except that they bobbled it so it was turned into a "fielder's choice" and we don't do anything else although I feel obliged to mention that the so-called "strike three" on Mac was complete horseshit thank you very much and then we go to commercial and I really, really want one of those walkie-talkie phones and Giovanni Carrara relieved Joel and with 1 out, there's Big Head who reached on an infield single and then Troy Glaus's "ball three" was a total strike, and I think the ump was too busy being horrified with Carlos's jersey to watch the pitching and then they pan to the crowd and there is this kid wearing some horrifying furry hat thing and everyone is waving their stupid rally monkeys like GET OVER IT ALREADY and then STRIKE EM OUT THROW EM OUT DOUBLE PLAY and Ben Davis is all excited which cracked me up because it was so cute.

Eighth inning and we learn that Edgar has 13 brothers and sisters which I don't think I knew and some Rodriguez guy relieved Donnelly and with 1 out, I'm further annoyed with Carlos's jersey like FOR GOD'S SAKE, FINISH DRESSING YOURSELF BEFORE YOU TAKE THE FIELD and he makes an out and then Bret walked and stole second but that's all the excitement we manage and Brad Fullmer, whose batting helmet is DISGUSTING, led off with a single and then Speizio hit into a 3-6-3 double play and the announcers are all talking about how John Olerud never panics and he turned it so nonchalantly and I crack myself up thinking how I totally WOULD panic in that situation and I imagine it would go something like me yelling "SHIT!" before I tripped in my haste to get to the ball and then Molina hits like 500 foul balls, one of which Ichiro, who came in to play right for Mabry, climbed up and stood on the wall to try and catch it and Molina ended up striking out to end the inning.

So ninth inning and I refuse to discuss what went on here as it sucked so mightily and suffice it to say that we lost 7-6 and had I been there, I would've thrown up all over Carlos's unbuttoned jersey in a symbolic gesture of things that just aren't right.