And A Good Time Was Had By All

April 17, 2003

So this magnificent event began with me getting to leave early from work so that I could go to the game and we (Jennifer, Marjorie, Glenn, Tony A, Tony P and John) all met up at Sluggers to get our game faces on, and since I wasn't driving I have to admit that my game face was BEYOND ON by the time we left for the game and as we were heading to our seats you can meanwhile hear Jay Buhner broadcasting which was all kinds of cool, and we had really excellent seats right in the corner of rightfield (section 112) and Tony A's friend Jay met us since we had an extra ticket and by the time we are all settled in it's 1-0 Seattle because Gil Meche had long since retired Oakland in order and Ichiro had walked, been sacrificed to second by Randy Winn, gone to third on a deep fly from Bret and then scored on a single from Edgar and John Olerud doubled and Edgar went to third but we don't score any more and some severely retarded individual might bitch that if it were anyone but Edgar we would've scored another run from Ole's double, but anyone who knows anything about baseball would also know that without Edgar's bat we wouldn't score half as often as we do anyway and maybe they should just shut their ignorant pie-holes.

So second inning and I forewarn everyone that if a foul ball comes this way I am totally knocking them all out to get it and Tony A is all "yeah, have another shot Laura" but little does he know I am dead serious and Jamie yields a harmless 2-out single to Durazo and then we waste Carlos Guillen's single so let us just move along to the third and meanwhile Glenn has brought me a Mike's Hard Lemonade in order to be removed from shitlist from not having booed A-Rod when he went to a Rangers game the weekend before and then we sat there and giggled about how he was down in the leftfield bar that night pissing off Carl Everett who can hear people from that area ranking on him and Jamie retired Oakland 1-2-3 including 2 strikeouts, and we are down in order as well but not before Tony A and Jay both confirm that they would still boo A-Rod as well.

So fourth inning and Gil Meche retires Oakland in order yet again and then Edgar walked and an out later and Mike Cameron doubled and Edgar went to third and Carlos was intentionally walked to load the bases and Jeff grounded into a fielder's choice and Edgar was out at home and I think it was around this time when Tony A's friend Jay decided it would be fun to get me all riled up and starts yammering on about how Edgar had already cost us 2 runs since he "should have scored" on Mike's double and I immediately get all pissed off and Tony A is scrunching down in his seat and is like "don't go there man" to Jay because everyone knows that I won't for one second put up with anyone speaking ill of Jay Buhner, Edgar Martinez or anyone else that has earned my complete devotion and so Tony A's friend Jay and I start bickering and Jay starts going on about how Edgar was great "back in the day" but now he's just old and should "hang it up" and being as inebriated as I was at that point I just stared in shocked-open-mouth-horror for a minute before I went about defending Gar and granted, everyone likes to push my buttons because I'm so excitable and whatnot, and as Tony P will point out when I ask "why is everyone trying to piss me off all the time?", it's because "it's so damn easy to do" but nobody can deny that anyone who doesn't appreciate the magnificence of Edgar Martinez is a moron and that it takes a special kind of stupid to think his lack of speed is going to hinder the M's more than his bat is going to help them and Jay is subsequently BANNED FROM ALL FUTURE GAMES until he admits this which I slurringly inform him, and Tony A, in trying to keep the peace is like "Jay will admit he'd rather have Edgar on his team than NOT have him on his team, but he just calls them like he sees them" to which I would have to reply, "evidently what he SEES is the inside of his ass because that's where his head is." but I wasn't quick enough to think that at the time.

"I know Edgar feels bad about it.  But it's important for us just to have him in there. I'd rather he didn't run hard just to make sure he stays healthy and he gets up to the plate. Edgar has one of the best on-base percentages in the game, and the way I look at it, I wouldn't have gotten any RBIs today if nobody was on base in front of me, either." - John Olerud

"It is funny. There's balls in the gap and nobody's scoring.  But right now he's got to take it easy, look at the big picture. At the end of the season we might have a few less RBIs, but the numbers are going to be there." - Bret Boone

Edgar Martinez's legs will cost the Mariners a few runs this season. But keeping that swing, that glorious swing, in the lineup will be worth the sacrifice." -  Steve Kelley, sportswriter

So then Dan Wilson singled which scored Cam and Carlos, and then Ichiro reached on an infield single and we end up heading to the fifth inning leading 3-0 and I'm still completely horrified with Jay knocking on the man who has a lifetime batting average of .317, with 275 homeruns, 1110 RBIs, 469 doubles and a .424 on base percentage.

Dan Singles

A/P Photo

So fifth inning and with 1 out, Durazo reached on an infield single and then Ramon Hernandez singled and then Singleton hit a sac fly to score Durazo but that's all they manage and we head to the bottom half leading 3-1 where Edgar walked, and John doubled and Bradford relieved John Halama whom I don't at all miss after he bitched so much last season that he wanted to start and then he tanked like every single time we started him almost and we don't score and Jay is all whining about how Edgar "cost us another run" and I'm reminded of the time at the Kingdome when this asshole sitting behind Homer and I yelled "sit down!" when Edgar was up and Homer turned around and was all "you don't tell a batting champion when to sit down, Edgar will sit down when he goddamn well feels like it" and the stupid guy shrank away from Homer, but unfortunately, Jay is not afraid of me as I am not as formidable as Homer and I am forced to conclude that Jay is just enjoying my reaction at this point, because I normally quite like him and he's pretty funny, not to mention that no one on GOD'S GREEN EARTH can possibly be that stupid to not appreciate Edgar.  They just can't. 

So sixth inning and there is this dumb guy sitting in the next section over clapping to himself as he yells "here we go, Mariners, here we go" and Mark McLemore comes in to play third for Cirillo and Miguel Tejada had a 2 out single but that was as exciting as it got for Oakland and we're down in order, so seventh inning and Shiggy came in to relieve Gil Meche and yielded a harmless single to Durazo and Durazo sure seems to be on base an awful lot which is kind of annoying, but anyway, nothing much happened in our half, except Bret's walk, and Edgar unfortunately ground into a double play but if Jay said anything I had tuned him out at this point and Glenn and I were cracking up because Glenn kept saying funny things and telling me to "put that in your review!" and unfortunately, I can't really remember what he wanted to be quoted as saying because I was pretty much on my lips at this point, which he mentioned and actually said something along the lines of "you're not going to remember what I'm saying" and sure enough, I don't, although I do remember that this majorly cracked Glenn and I up at the time.

So eighth inning and I think Tony A and Jay took their leave at this point and with 1 out, Arthur Rhodes relieved Shiggy and an and out later and Scott Hatteburg singled and Glenn is all happy for Hatteburg because he sort of knows him but I'm NOT happy for Scott Hatteburg because he is an Oakland Athletic, but it proves harmless enough since Artie got the next out no problem and then Rincon relieved Bradford and an out later and Cammie walked and then I think he got picked off of first although I was on my cell phone at this point telling pretty much everyone who has the misfortune to be on my speed dial that I was at the game and Carlos walked and that was pretty much it.

A/P Photo

So ninth inning and... Kazuhiro Sasaki came in and Eric Chavez... homered... and it is 3-2 Seattle and then Dye singled and Byrnes came in to run for him and then Durazo walked and I'm meanwhile thinking "what the crap is going on here!" and Hernandez sacrificed the runners along and Singleton was intentionally walked and then Ellis struck out and then Long was safe on an error by Mac and Byrnes scored tying the game and meanwhile every one has stood up in front of me so I totally can't see what's happening and I am all "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!" and Glenn is all "Carlos made an error!" even though it was Mac which I think is screamingly funny when I realize this the next day and meanwhile Bob Melvin was all "you're going to end up winning the game. We still love you. Those things happen" to poor Mac, so then we waste Randy Winn's infield single and head off to extra innings and I call Tony A on his cell phone only he starts right in teasing me about how "if Edgar hadn't cost us those runs..." and I hang up on him and then sit there giggling at my cleverness at having hung up on him and Jeff Nelson comes in and retires Oakland in order and then Fikac relieved Rincon and with 1 out, Cammie walked and then stole second and then Guillen walked and then Mark McLemore, playing Buhner Ball, singled and scored Cammie and we win it 4-3 which was rather excellent and then we head off to Sluggers since that's just what I needed, more alcohol and a good time was had by all despite Jay almost having ruined my buzz, which Tony A pointed was nearly impossible, "as the only way to ruin one of [my] Safeco Field buzzes would be if [I] passed out", which I must admit is true.

"It (Mac's game winning hit) had to happen.  I was listening to Jay Buhner on TV, and he said the same thing. It was the perfect scenario to win this game." - Gil Meche

Bret Congratulates Mac After His Hit

Photo by Mark Harrison