Well, This Sucked.

April 16, 2003

I really don't even want to discuss what happened in the first inning but I suppose I must, so let's begin with Freddy Garcia's DISGUSTING HAT and I don't know if that's dirt or a big nasty sweat ring on it, but GROSS either way, and actually, Freddy's hats are always kind of nasty looking because he decides they're lucky if you don't wash them or change them, and speaking of gross, Freddy walks Ellis to lead things off and 2 outs later and... Eric Chavez... goddammit. 

So another walk later, and it's still 2-0 Oakland as we head to our half and Ichiro leads off with a single in celebration of Tim Hudson's weird icky strip of chin hair being gone and an out later and Bret Boone "strikes out looking" with the first of what would be many, many MANY questionable calls by that blind homeplate umpire who might see better if he took his head out of his unmentionable region, and we head to the 2nd inning still trailing 2-0, and if anyone knows where this ump's strike zone is, can you please tell him because he sure as snot doesn't.

So then Freddy settles down and retired the side in order and I can't watch Freddy pitch without thinking about my dad, because Homer fusses up a storm over Freddy's pitching demeanor the way he looks so blasé about things and Homer will sit and talk to the television set saying things like "WAKE UP FREDDY!  FREDDY!  YOU'RE PITCHING TODAY!  LOOK ALIVE!" and anyway, a whole lot of nothing continues as we're down in order, Oakland is down in order, and we're down in order AGAIN.

So fourth inning, and we turn a nice double play after Dye walked to keep that whole 3 up, 3 down thing going, and then Randy Winn reached on an infield single, and then Bret singled and then an out later and John Olerud singled and scored Randy and then... and then... okay, what the hell just happened there?  Since when does John Olerud get picked off?  And PS Mr. Homeplate Umpire - that called strike 3 you gave Mark McLemore was no more a strike than Alex Rodriguez is honorable.

So 2-1 as we head to the fifth and I am having to flip back and forth between American Idol and the game because it's "Somebody Gets the Boot" night and speaking of American Idol, my friend Kevin gave me a ton of crap about recapping American Idol stuff with my baseball recaps and being of an excitable nature and Homer's daughter besides, I naturally went all Hissy-Fit-Homer-Fussy about it and it evolves into this small ordeal/debate where basically he is like "American Idol sucks and Clay looks like Barry Manilow" and I am all "Whatever!  I do what I want!" like I was Eric Cartman from Southpark and Kevin will try to tell you that reality TV is BS, but I think it's just because he was rejected for Survivor.

Okay, so he didn't really apply to be on the show, but I know he wanted to and he still votes that American Idol be kept separate from baseball, but as the founding member and president of It'sMySite&I'llWriteWhatIWantTo@BiteMe.com', I win this vote and the American Idol gang does a great group rendition of Billy Joel's 'For the Longest Time' and Freddy gave up a harmless double in the fifth and then we don't do crap unless you count Carlos Guillen being awarded first base after getting nailed with a pitch, and let's just move along to the sixth and Kimberly Caldwell gets kicked off the show and I am SHOCKED over this because I TOTALLY expected Carmen to get booted and meanwhile Trenyce is wearing the most horrifying ensemble of these clunky high heeled boots and jeans rolled up to her knees, like I SO DO NOT GET THAT LOOK and Fox is also advertising the hell out of Michael Jackson's home videos, like on my top ten list of things I NEVER WANT TO SEE, that very well might be #1 and with 2 outs, Eric Chavez walked and stole second, but that was as exciting as it got.  So then Ichiro hit what should've been a base hit only Miguel Tejada made a very nice play which I will grudgingly admit and we are still trailing 2-1 as we head to the seventh.

"When Simon is telling Clay he prefers him when he shuts his eyes and blah blah at the end, Paula kinda sits up straight and slaps him on the back and says 'nice backhanded compliment'. As she is saying this, Simon is straining his neck for a better look down that strapless number she's wearing. Blatantly looking. He's such a cad. I love him." - Shel on things she missed the first time from last night's American Idol

So there's really nothing worth mentioning in the seventh inning unless you count Mac getting a single, except that he was unfortunately caught stealing right afterwards, so let's just move along to the eighth inning, where with 1 out, Eric Byrnes singled and then Giovanni Carrara relieved Freddy and a sacrifice later and Hatteberg walked but thanks to a double play, nobody cares and we don't do a crapping thing.

Mac "Got Caught" Stealing A/P Photo

So top of the ninth, and Ben Davis is catching for Dan Wilson, who was lifted the last inning by pinch hitter John Mabry, and Chavez singled, and an out later and Durazo... he... oh son of a bitch, nevermind.

Yeah so we finish this off by not doing anything in the ninth against Foulke, who relieved Hudson, unless you count Ichiro's lead off walk that we wasted, and we lose 4-1, and I think Mariner fans everywhere, even Kevin, might prefer talking American Idol to this stinkfest of a game today.

I Love It When Bob Gets Feisty A/P Photo