Excellent

April 13, 2003

So this game begins with me in the middle of my nap and I have to say that I'm not at all sorry I was asleep and thusly missed Glanville's single, followed by an out, followed by Shit Lips' double followed by Captain Viagra's single which scored Glanville and I wouldn't have minded seeing Mr. Moyer come back to K Gonzalez and Sierra to end their half but I'm back to being glad I am blissfully unaware that we are retired in order, even though I would've liked to have seen Edgar's return.

So second inning, 1-0 Texas, and Jamie retired them 1-2-3 and without warning there is a black cat wrapped around my foot with all of his toenails dug in whilst biting the crap out of my toes and I scream "BRUTUS!" and have to shake my rotten cat off my foot and am now wide awake and bleeding just in time to see us waste Bret Boone's single.

Brutus When He's Not Attacking Me

Third inning and I am sitting still glaring at my cat Brutus while wrapping a Scooby Doo band-aid around my toe and with 2 outs, I become violently ill as Shit Lips knocks one out and HOW MUCH CAN I NOT EVEN BEGIN TO STAND ALEX RODRIGUEZ and it's 2-0 Texas and with 2 outs, Ichiro singled and then he stole second and then he stole third but we fail to score him and I am very annoyed as we head to the fourth inning, not only because we should've scored Ichiro, but because my cat has very sharp teeth and toenails and evidently disapproves of Sunday naps.

So then Greene leads off with a walk and then Teixeira is safe on an E5 which was very shocking because Jeff Cirillo, despite his inability to appreciate Lou Piniella's brilliance, is one hell of a fine third baseman but it matters not because Jamie got the next three guys no problem.  Unfortunately, we again fail to do ANYTHING.

Fifth inning and everybody grounded out, including Shit Lips which is always nice and unfortunately, we all ground out too except for Cirillo who strikes out so it was a rather quick fifth inning and let us just move along to the sixth where Julio Mateo relieved Jamie and retired the side in order and then Dan Wilson led off with a single and then Ichiro hit into a fielder's choice so Dan was out and then Carlos grounded out and Ichiro went to second and then Edgar singled which scored Ichiro so it is now 2-1 Texas as we head to the seventh inning.

So with 2 outs, Carl Everett singled which was very annoying but not nearly as annoying as Shit Lips singling right after him and then Viagra walked but Mateo, bless his heart, struck out Gonzalez to end the bases loaded threat and it is again our turn and Bret "I'M GOIN YARD!" Boone went yard and it is a tie game!  And then an out later and John "I'M GOIN YARD TOO!" Mabry WENT YARD TOO and we take the lead!!!

So top of the eighth, 3-2 Seattle and Jeff Nelson relieved Mateo and Mark McLemore came in to play leftfield and with 1 out, Greene homered and it is a tie game again and while I said an extremely vulgar word at this, Greene actually said something very nice about Jeff Nelson which was that "It was nice to come back and tie the game right away like that, especially off Nellie, I don't think I've ever put a ball in play off Nellie before," and then Nellie retired the next two batters no problem and it is our turn again and that Fultz guy relieved Thomson and we are down in order and I should also mention that Greene's cousin was one of the rescued soldiers in Iraq and HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

Ninth inning and with 2 outs, Shit Lips walked and then Shiggy relieved Nellie and Viagra singled but Gonzalez struck out which made me very happy and then with 1 out, that Cordero guy relieved Fultz and we do nothing and we go to extra innings and I HATE EXTRA INNINGS.

So top of the 10th and Sierra singled but that was all that happened and then with 1 out, Dan Wilson was safe on an error but we fail to capitalize on it and off we go to the 11th inning and Shiggy grounded out Glanville and popped up Everett and struck out Shit Lips swinging which made Alex very mad and you could tell he was upset with himself and if I were Alex Rodriguez, I would be upset with myself too and I have to admit that I'm a little surprised that Shit Lips doesn't have a big screaming bruise on his elbow but I guess it would be kind of hard to see what with his wimpy elbow pad thing and that guy named Nitkowski relieved Cordero and Carlos singled and then Edgar walked and then Willie Bloomquist came in to run for Edgar and then John Olerud put down this beautiful bunt to move the runners up and then Bret was intentionally walked and then they brought in this poor guy named Dickey just up from the minors which was kind of mean if you ask me to put a guy just up from the minors in that position with the bags full and all but I quickly lose my sympathy because he promptly struck out Mike Cameron and Mark McLemore which prompted me to shriek "YOU STUPID ROOKIE BASTARD!" and off we go to the 12th.

So here I am totally pissed off that we wasted a bases loaded opportunity and I was already pissed off because we were in extra innings to begin with and then with 2 outs, Sierra singled but fortunately, that's all that happens and I, along with Bret Boone and Mike Cameron have to point out how outstanding Shiggy was.

"I don't know the last time Shiggy went four innings.  He kept a heck of a lineup in check. He was a big reason we won." - Bret Boone

"Shiggy did a helluva job. He held things together for us today when we were a couple of guys short because of babies. I'm sure he's going to get a couple of days off now, and he deserves it." - Mike Cameron

So then we waste Ichiro's 2 out single and head off to the 13th and I'm getting really stressed out but I should mention that Arthur Rhodes and his wife had a baby boy and I think someone else had a baby as well but I can't think of who it was.

Enter Kazuhiro Sasaki and he retired the side in order and then with 2 outs, Bret "I AM GOING YARD AGAIN AND ENDING THIS GAME BEFORE LAURA STROKES OUT!" Boone WENT YARD and we win it, 4-3!!

"I left the ball out over the plate and up, and Boonie likes to hit balls over the plate and up, especially on a 2-0 count.  He was coming out of his shoes when he sees that. You've seen how he swings.  I didn't locate it and he's an All-Star.  He did what he should have done with it. He hit it out of the ballpark and we lose." - R.A. Dickey, Texas reliever

"We're not the team that Texas is.  They've got three 40-plus (homer) guys and we don't. We play a little different game than them." - Bret Boone

"Yes we do, thank God." - Laura