We Will Hit the Ball Well
Cammie Said It, So It's So
April 12, 2003
"When things aren't going well, you want to take it on yourself to make things go well. You can't do that. It's tough to play by yourself because baseball is a team game. We have to keep playing hard as a unit, and when we hit the ball well, we'll win. And we will hit the ball well." -Mike Cameron
This game actually started out really crappy because during the top of the first, Carl Everett was hit by a pitch, and that's not the crappy part because Carl Everett is far from likable and he stands right over the plate and you deserve to get hit if you're going to crowd it like he does, but the crappy part was right AFTER he got hit and Shit Lips knocked one out and just like that, Texas take the lead 2-0 and I am meanwhile watching the game with Homer who cringed in an anticipation of the F-bomb I was about to drop, and drop it I did. So then Captain Viagra struck out, Juan Gonzalez walked, and Blalock flew out and off we go to the bottom half and pay attention because this was exciting:
Ichiro walked - then Randy Winn walked - I tell Homer "we had better goddamn capitalize on it this time!" and then Bret Boone was safe on an error by Blalock!! YES!! I LOVE YOU HANK BLALOCK!! BASES ARE LOADED!!! And then John Olerud is hit by a pitch which forces in a run! And then the bastard first base umpire said Cameron went around for strike 3, and I would like it noted that Mike didn't go any farther around than Shit Lips did yesterday right before Viagra knocked a yard shot and I'm really offended with how much this umpiring crew sucks but then Mark McLemore singled! And that scored Randy and Bret, who just beat the tag and it's now 3-2 M's! THE HOMEPLATE UMP MADE A GOOD CALL AT LEAST! YES!!! So then Carlos Guillen singled and that loaded the bases again and then Jeff Cirillo reached on an infield single and that scored Olerud! 4-2 M's! And then Ben Davis doubled and that scored Mac and Carlos! And then Ichiro walked! So then they made a pitching change and Shit Lips is all out there in the middle of the visit to the mound like GO PLAY SHORTSTOP ALEX and then we go to commercial and I'm pretty sure that Bo Duke is hawking weed killer and when I was younger, my sister and I had big plans to marry the Dukes of Hazzard and I was totally going to marry Bo and so I am like "BO DUKE!! THAT IS BO DUKE I THINK!"
So then we're back at the game where some guy named Garica relieved Drese and I am all "that poor bastard" talking about Drese and Homer goes "poor bastard my ass!" in case you're wondering where my eloquent language skills come from and we both giggle and when the dust settles, it is 6-2 Seattle as we head to the second inning
So Texas doesn't do anything except waste Mike Young's single and it is quickly our turn again and meanwhile Niehaus and Red are discussing how weird it is that Pudge isn't with the Rangers anymore which I have said from day one and I would like to remind all three of the Texas Rangers fans in the world that you have Tom Hicks, Scott Boras, Alex Rodriguez and his farce of a contract to thank for thank for that and then John Olerud led off with a walk but we don't do anything else either so let's just move along to the third inning and since it's my Mom's birthday weekend (her birthday is the 14th) we're kind of having a family weekend and we're all together most of the time anyway, probably because no one else can stand us and my sister and the nephews show up around this time so it's very LOUD in my parents' living room and I am ordered by Dylan to read him a story out of the new Scooby Doo storybook collection that I got them and I should probably explain that Scooby Doo is my all time favorite cartoon EVER and I have long turned the boys into Scooby fans as well so anyway, the three of us are reading and I'm forced to not pay too much attention to the game because I get yelled at if I don't pay 100% attention to the story at hand and it's probably just as well since Carl Everett and Shit Lips both walked to lead things off but then Gil Meche gets the next three batters to fly out so it is our turn yet again and then Jeff Cirillo walked and with 1 out, Ichi "I'm Goin Yard!" ro WENT YARD to tack on another 2 runs to our score and I am so sneaky that I managed to see this while not missing a beat in the story, so how much do I rock.
Fourth inning, 8-2 M's, and Gil Meche retires the Rangers 1-2-3 and then with 1 out, Cam walked and then Mac popped up but Blalock missed it and that makes me very happy until he popped up again and Shit Lips caught it and then Alex is all jawing off about something, like SHUT UP SHIT LIPS and I have to say that Alex and the pitcher Garcia look remarkably alike. So then Carlos Guillen doubled but Mike got thrown out at home which I was not happy about and then I am forced to disown Homer and Paula, my sister, because Homer is like "oh well" and Paula is like "so what" when I mention how not happy I am about the Rangers having made that out and I am appalled because he got thrown out at home by the RANGERS and I just stare at the two of them like they've gone mad, because how can you not be bothered and how, after knowing me for ALL of my entire almost-27 years, can you not expect ME to be bothered, and that's not to say it wasn't worth the risk to send him, because I think it was, but how retarded do you have to be to not get a little bit bent when something like that backfires? It doesn't matter if we're up by 50 runs, everything counts. Am I the only one who remembers that HORRIFYING game in 2001 where Cleveland I think it was came back to beat us in extra innings after we at one point held a monstrous lead? Good grief.
So fifth inning and it started badly with Glanville homering, but then Everett struck out and I'm pretty sure that he said a very bad word because he got all mad at himself and did this funny stomp thing that made me laugh out loud and then A-Rod struck out and they show these two guys in the stands totally jawing at him wearing their Anti-ARod shirts, like how awesome are those guys and then Viagra walked but that's all they manage thanks to Cirillo making an excellent catch of Juan Gonzalez's line drive and we head to the bottom half leading 8-3 and Jay Powell relieved Garcia and Jeff greeted him with a big nasty double like look at Jeff go and then Ben Davis doubled to score him and Ichiro walked and an out later and Bret singled and then we won't say what Ole did, and it is 9-3 Seattle as we head to the sixth.
So Blalock led off with a single and then 2 outs later and Diaz singled and then Cararra relieved Meche and retired the next batter no problem so our turn and Mike led off with a walk and then an out later and Carlos ripped a big nasty ground-rule double and then Jeff who evidently wants to be in my good graces singled and scored Cammie and then Carlos scored because Everett made an error and it's now 11-3 and I am very happy as we head to the seventh.
So Everett leads off with a walk and then Cararra just nails Shit Lips in the elbow and Alex does this backwards-somersault-writhing-in-pain thing as the entire crowd goes crazy cheering which I enjoyed a great deal and some might call us mean for cheering when Alex gets beaned but I think it's mean to string along a team that has been nothing but good to you and lie about your priorities of winning over money, and then sellout to the highest bidding idiot who is upping his offer and literally BIDDING AGAINST HIMSELF for you to come play for his crapass franchise and anyway, 2 outs later and Blalock singled which scored Everett but that's all they manage, and it is 11-4 as Estaban Yan came in for Powell and Alex is now out of the game and with one out, Bret "I'm Due" Boone hit one into the stands to make it 12-4 before heading to the eighth inning
So enter Shiggy and Young reached on an infield single but he retired the next three batters no problem thanks to an EXCELLENT catch by Mike Cameron on a fly ball from Everett and Mark McLemore leads off with a big nasty double and I have to say that if we're going to have navy uniforms this dark, we need matching undershirts because the navy with the regular blue is not working for me AT ALL and anyway, an out later and Cirillo singled and my oh my but is he ever on fire this evening and then Ben Davis walked to load the bases and John Mabry came in for Ichiro and hit into a fielder's choice but it still scored Mac and we end up heading to the ninth leading 13-4.
So Jeff Nelson comes in to finish off the Rangers and he retires the side in order and we snap our losing streak and I am beyond thrilled that all is right with the world once again as we have come back alive, Cirillo is hitting and we didn't strand 50 men on base. All is as it should be.
"I had a great time. Pitching in Seattle is wonderful. I just wanted to show everyone I could do it and show the fans I'm back." - Gil Meche
Dean Rutz Photo - Bob After the Win
"We're solid, one through nine. When we're swinging the bats solid, you're just as easily going to get beat up by the bottom of our order as anywhere else." - Bob Melvin
