If I Wanted To See Baseball Played This Badly,
I'd Move To Texas
April 11, 2003
I would like to begin this recap by apologizing for the language you are about to be subjected to. I will try with all my might to avoid dropping the F-bomb, but there are going to be some instances where an expletive and/or extreme name-calling is necessary because we are playing BEYOND PATHETICALLY AND I CANNOT GODDAMN STAND ANOTHER SECOND OF IT.
This abhorrent shitefest and yes I am saying SHITE and not SHIT because SHITE is more polite of a game began with the Mariners wearing uniforms that are far too dark and I miss the first half of the inning because I was cleaning out the inside of my car and Texas was down in order including Alex "Shit Lips" Rodriguez and why is he Shit Lips now you ask? Because it's my site and I can call him anything I want to, that's why.
So bottom of the first and Ichiro walked and then Randy Winn walked and Chan Ho Park can't throw a strike but Bret makes an out and then John Olerud grounded out and meanwhile Red and Niehaus are saying that Shit Lips paid Olerud a great compliment by saying that he was the best overall player he ever played with and for once, I can agree with Shit Lips that Olerud is indeed a gem of a player and then Mike Cameron walked to load the bases and Mark McLemore hit a shallow fly ball which that bastard Carl Everett caught and we waste the first of many, many opportunities, and I drop the first of many, many, many F-bombs.
So second inning and with 2 outs, Ruben Sierra singled but that was as exciting as it got for Texas and then Jeff Cirillo struck out looking and I would feel really bad for Jeff had he not badmouthed Lou Piniella and then Carlos Guillen walked and then Dan Wilson singled and then Chan Ho almost hit Ichiro and then he does that horrifyingly stupid looking first-to-third pick off move which should result in a serious ass-kicking any time anyone does that because it looks so RETARDED and Ichiro walked and then Randy fouled out and NO WAIT HANK BLALOCK LOST IT and we catch a break but then Randy swings at one of the shittiest looking pitches I've ever seen IN MY LIFE for strike three and you get to see Edgar fervently chewing his gum in the dugout like how bad must Edgar want to play, and I read in the paper today that last night during the game Bob Melvin was all "(Edgar) had his spikes on in the ninth inning, ready to go against Percival throwing 98 mph, and I said to him, 'Edgar, don't do this to me.' I couldn't give in to the temptation, to the risk, not when we need him healthy for the season.," and Edgar said that he'd had his spikes on for the whole game and not just the ninth and that he "was hoping to get in. You never know," and how much does Edgar rock and YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM GOING TO BE WHEN HE'S BACK especially when we're sucking it up like this and then Bret K'd as well and we again leave the bags for the second inning in a row and I throw everything I can get my hands on into the center of the living room.
So then we go to commercial and have the great misfortune to see that revolting oil ad where this old man shakes his viagra at his scary looking wife and I would've changed the channel only I wasn't sure where the remote had landed and anyway, top of the third inning and Mike Young reached on an infield single and then went to second on a fly ball to center which quite frankly pissed me off and then he went to third on a broken bat ground out to shortstop and unfortunately, Carlos didn't pick up the broken piece of the bat that was lying right there and CLUB MIKE YOUNG WITH IT FOR HAVING THE NERVE TO BE ON BASE and Freddy struck out Blalock to end the inning but not before having wiped his nose on his shirt, and if Freddy were as clever as my nephews, he would wipe it on someone else's shirt like they do.
I also have to mention that there were a lot of broken bats tonight for some reason and anyway, bottom of the third and Ole walked and then Cammie singled and an out later, Jeff Cirillo hit what I thought was going to be a double play but Alex got taken out at second pretty well and couldn't turn it which was excellent but we still don't score anybody and that brings the grand total to EIGHT MEN WE'VE STRANDED IN THREE INNINGS and I don't know how much more of this I can take before I'll be watching these games from my hospital bed in my straight jacket with my morphine drip.
So let's just head to the fourth inning shall we and Shit Lips starts things off by reaching on an infield single which makes me absolutely furious and then his best friend Captain Viagra singled and that put runners on the corners and then SON OF A BITCH! Freddy threw a wild pitch and Shit Lips scored and Viagra went to second and then an out later and Sierra grounded him to third and then that bastard Carl Everett reached on an infield single which scored Palmeiro and then Young singled and I am so disgusted at this point that I had to leave the room and we head to the bottom half trailing 2-0.
So then with two outs, Randy walks and then Bret is hit by a pitch and Chad Kreuter pats Bret on the ass which is baseball code for "we didn't mean to" and unfortunately Bret doesn't charge the shortstop and yes I mean the shortstop and not the pitcher because that was about the only thing that would've made me happy at this point and then Ole singled which scored Randy but we settle for the 1 run and head to the fifth inning.
So 2 outs, and Shit Lips strikes out to end the half and NO WAIT! That stupid, blind as a bat piece of shit umpire said he didn't go around! The crowd boos! Shit Lips smirks! And then Freddy walks him! And then guess what happened?! CAPTAIN VIAGRA HIT ONE OUT AND TEXAS TAKES A 4-1 LEAD when the inning should've been over! I GO F-BOMBING BALLISTIC! I AM NOT SURE ANYONE CAN FATHOM THE DEPTH OF MY HATRED FOR THAT ASSCLOWN UMPIRE THAT MISSED SHIT LIPS GOING ALL THE GODDAMN WAY AROUND WHICH LED TO A WALK AND THEN THAT DIPSHIT RAFAEL PALMEIRO HOMERED TO SCORE TWO MORE DURING THIS ASSFARCE OF A GAME.
YES, ASSFARCE IS A WORD BECAUSE I SAY IT IS.
I CAN PRACTICALLY HEAR MY BLOODVESSELS POPPING. HEY! HEY BOB MELVIN! WAKE UP IN THERE! WHY ISN'T ANYONE OUT ON THE FIELD HEAVING BASES? WHY IS YOUR HAT STILL ON YOUR HEAD INSTEAD OF LOBBED INTO THE STANDS? IF YOU DON'T START SHOWING SOME EMOTION AND GET THESE GUYS FIRED UP, I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND DO IT MYSELF AND I WILL TEAR THAT FIELD UP.
So I have to turn the game off and go lie down for awhile and meanwhile we sit down in order and then Julio Mateo relieved Freddy and Sierra singled to lead things off but that was it and some guy named Nitowski relieves Chan Ho and Dan Wilson doubled and then Ichiro singled and then Winn hit a sac fly and then Bret walked and then SON OF A BITCH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.
So I refuse to continue with the recap of the sixth inning, so moving right along to the seventh and with 1 out Artie relieved Mateo and retired the next two batters, including a big fat strike out for Shit Lips and then we do nothing but waste Mac and Guillen's walk because evidently the Mariners have decided they want me to drop over dead of an aneurysm.
Eighth inning and who cares? Not me. Ninth inning. Texas is down in order. Olerud walks to lead things off for us. We fail completely in getting anything going and lose to the goddamn Texas Rangers 4-2.
I hate to end on such a sour note, so I will add something that cracked me up today... this was in this week's Sports Illustrated:
"...And congratulations to Sammy Sosa, who became the 18th player to hit 500 home runs. Rafael Palmeiro is still nine away from 500. But his streak of consecutive games on Viagra is alive at 169. Palmeiro didn't want to be a pitchman. In fact, the first time he bought Viagra, he told the pharmacist it was for Rusty Greer. I don't want to tell people their business, but wouldn't a more natural spokesman for Viagra be A-Rod?" - Bill Scheft, sportswriter
