This Was One Seriously Boss Game

April 8, 2003

So this event begins with me leaving work early and heading to Sluggers to meet up with the gang (John, Marjorie, Glenn, Tony P, Tim & April) and I decide I will be sneaky and miss the traffic and exit off of a different exit and wind through downtown instead of taking the Safeco exits, and this would've been okay had it not been for the road construction, the people just parked in LANES, the stupid bicyclists and the stinking pedestrians.  Not to go all Dennis Miller and get off on a rant here, but newsflash to bicyclists everywhere:  YOU ARE NOT A CAR.  YOU DO NOT BELONG IN TRAFFIC.  NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH YOUR SPANDEX CLAD POSTERIOR WHILE THEY ARE TRYING TO DRIVE.  I pay license tab fees to be on that road.  You do not.  Therefore, I have the right of way. If you think you have the right of way, you are wrong, and I will run you over.  Go find a nice trail somewhere or use the sidewalk.  I don't care if that's illegal.  Use it anyway and run down the people walking on it because guess what, I hate pedestrians too.  I hate being a pedestrian.  I hate yielding to pedestrians and I hate when pedestrians are in the crosswalks when I want to turn.  I especially hate SLOW pedestrians that don't seem at all concerned with the fact that you are waiting to drive down the street they are nonchalantly crossing.  Pedestrians should have to look both ways and cross when it's clear.  This includes watching for people making left or right turns on to the street.  Walking signals should be obsolete.  If a street requires a signal to be able to walk across it, it's probably too busy for you to be walking on anyway. 

Yeah so I'm not one of those people who can live right downtown.  As you can see, I am extremely territorial and have personal space issues.  That aside, I finally make it through the chaos and arrive safe and sound just in time to meet my friends Marjorie and April in the parking lot and we head over to Sluggers only to discover that it is completely packed, so we find John and Glenn and head to the Pyramid Ale House in order to get our game faces on and we proceed to enjoy the beer garden very much.  It should also be noted that I am a very considerate pedestrian and MOVE MY ASS across the street as fast as I can..

So anyhow, I am totally psyched for the pre-game show and Tony and Tim show up and the gang's all here and the plane is circling overhead where they are going to have a parachutist jump into Safeco Field and they show you a little 2002 highlight reel and then they announce the "defending World Champion" Anaheim Angels which nobody gives much of a damn about and then they introduce the M's and have them run out on the long red carpet and everybody goes nuts over Edgar of course and while I quite like Bob Melvin, it is SO WEIRD to not have Lou there and then Mark McLemore is announced as the DH for Edgar today and all the guys run down the carpet and nobody trips and I pine for Jay a little bit.

"We've got a pretty good DH here.  So I don't want to get used to this. I want to get Edgar back in the lineup. I'll just keep the spot warm for him.  There's no one who's done what Edgar's done at DH." - Mark McLemore

Photo by Rod Mar/Seattle Times

So then there's confetti and streamers shooting out everywhere which was very exciting because there's just something about confetti and streamers and they give Bret, Olerud and Ichiro their Gold Glove awards and we get to see a highlight reel of their greatest plays and then they announce that the parachutists aren't parachuting because it's too windy so that really sucked quite a bit but I'm over it soon enough and we have a moment of silence for the men and women defending our country which was quite lovely and then it is time to...

"The Army guys, the Golden Knights, may have been scratched from the pregame show.  But when it comes to floating through the air, no one pulls a rip cord on a pitch like Moyer." - Bob Finnigan, sportswriter

So Jamie is starting and I have to note that there are a few scattered Angels fans around the stadium, including one with a sign that says "WE CAN REPEAT, YES WE CAN" and I have to say that I find that a) extraordinarily unlikely, and b) really stupid.  So then Jamie gets Eckstein to ground out and I thought he was going to strike out Erstad but he accidentally hit him instead and then there's Tim Salmon, who sticks his ass out so far in his batting stance that I don't know how he doesn't fall down, and he makes an out and then Troy Glaus grounded out to end the inning and John, Glenn and I geek out for a minute and talk Fantasy Baseball because I have Jamie who is looking rather excellent on the field and meanwhile there is this complete nimrod sitting behind us who feels obligated to repeat EVERY SINGLE THING happening on the field like we didn't just see it.

So bottom of the first and we really don't do a whole lot except leave Randy (who walked) and Olerud (who singled) stranded at the corners, so let's just move along to the second inning and Jamie retired the side in order with 2 K's and I boast about how great he is and then it's announced that Scott Speizio is now playing third for Glaus and I also have Glaus on my FB team so he had better not be hurt and anyway, we're down in order too.

So third inning and Dan "The Man" Wilson singled to lead things off and then Ichiro was hit by a pitch and then an out later and Mac singled to score Dan and we settle for the 1 run and meanwhile Marjorie and April have headed out to smoke and Glenn, John and I all have to, if you must know, go #1, so we head up there and I come out of the bathroom and they are nowhere to be found and I figure they went back to our seats since, well, if you must know, boys #1 faster than girls, and I go back to my seat and they aren't there and I figure they went to go get more beer and I settle next to Tony P and Tim and Jamie retired the side in order, and with 2 more strikeouts besides.

So bottom of the fourth, and Mike Cameron led off with a walk and speaking of walks, Marjorie, April, John and Glenn are still not back and Tim, Tony P and I are like where the hell are they and then Jeff Cirillo flew out and Carlos singled and that was unfortunately as exciting as it got, and I'm not sure if this was the inning the field keepers came out to dance, but I have to say that I really love it when they do that.

Photo by Rod Mar/Seattle Times

So fifth inning, and still 1-0 Seattle and with 1 out, Benji Molina really knocked one a long way out to centerfield and Mike made one SERIOUSLY spectacular catch, and Jamie 1-2-3'd them again. 

Photo by Rod Mar/Seattle Times

So bottom of the fifth and Randy Winn led off by beating out a bunt and that was SERIOUSLY AWESOME and then Mac singled and then Olerud doubled to score both of them which was pretty boss if you ask me, and then Bret singled and then Cammie grounded into a fielder's choice and they had John NAILED at home and NO WAIT OOPS DOH the catcher dropped the ball and John is safe and then Bret is heading for third and the catcher goes to throw HIM out and NO WAIT DOH WHOOPS he threw it into leftfield and Bret scored and Cammie went to second!  5-0 Mariners!

Photo by Rod Mar/Seattle Times

So then Shields relieved Ortiz and Jeff Cirillo struck out looking and if he ever wants anyone to get over his having badmouthed Lou Piniella he had better start to GET ON BASE and then Mike Cameron, possessed of demons, took off from second, stopped, waited and was picked off and Carlos popped out to end the ending and every single one of the 45,931 people in attendance kind of sat there in shock over the way this inning played out I think.

So sixth inning and still no sign of Marjorie, April, Glenn or John and Tony, Tim and I all wonder where the hell they're at some more and with 2 outs Tim "Look At My Ass!" Salmon walked and then Garrett Anderson doubled but Jamie got Speizio to pop out to end the threat and we head to the bottom half with his shutout still intact and we proceed to do absolutely nothing and I believe it is around this time that Glenn and John magically appear and I waste no time in demanding "WHERE IN THE SHIT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN!" because I am nothing if not demure and ladylike and I was getting totally bent that they might be doing something fun like shots or hanging at the bullpen without me and Glenn and John, both figuring I would be pissed off they'd been gone for half the game, had brought me a Mike's Hard Lemonade which I pointed out was a bribe to keep me from having one of my trademark hissy fits and they both started giggling because we all know I was totally right about it being a bribe and they settle in to watch the game and then I learn that John had been apprehended by the BEER POLICE of Safeco Field which made me laugh really hard and what had happened was that he was still working on half a beer when he stopped to buy another for himself and a Mike's for me on the way back to our seats, and Glenn, doublefisting it himself already, were stopped by the nice beer police lady who had to carry my Mike's for them since you aren't allowed to have more than two alcoholic beverages in your hands at any time, and leave it to John to get busted.

So Marjorie and April get back and I learn that everyone's been out wandering, looking for tequila and finding that the margarita bar they used to have is gone, and then they went to the bullpen (I KNEW IT GODDAMMIT!) but nothing was going on and I call them a big bunch of bastards and then the seventh inning begins and I am meanwhile getting totally sunburned and with 2 quick strikeouts, Molina singled and then Bob Melvin came out to talk to Jamie and everyone thought he was going to pull him but he left him in and the whole crowd went totally nuts which was AWESOME and Jamie promptly retired the next better on the next pitch for the third out and Jamie walked off the field to a standing ovation.

Photo by Rod Mar/Seattle Times

So then we do the seventh inning stretch and I'm afraid I don't know the name of the lady who sang God Bless America but she did an amazing job and then Glenn, who is like ON A MISSION today, points out that we need to get more beer soon since they stop serving after the seventh and I was personally done with beer by then because not only was I driving home, I was SERIOUSLY getting sunburned which was giving me a really bad headache and we don't do anything, so eighth inning and then I SWEAR TO GOD Glenn is all "let's go get beer!" and I go "they stop serving in the 8th" and he goes "I know, so let's go now!" and I go "it IS the 8th you tool" and he realizes that it is indeed the 8th inning and so he is all "OH CRAP!" and I have to say that I have never seen Glenn so crazed and I think that Opening Day must turn him into a madman or something, like werewolves have the full moon and Glenn has Opening Day at Safeco Field.

So anyway, Jeff Nelson is in to pitch for Jamie and he retires the side in order and then Weber comes in for Anaheim and we don't do anything either, and meanwhile The Opening Day Bandit Formerly Known As Glenn is still pissed off that he is out of beer and we all decide to go to Sluggers after the game and Arthur Rhodes came in to finish off the Angels and retires the side on 3 consecutive groundouts and we win it 5-0.

So then Glenn drank a pitcher of beer at Sluggers and I would also like to point out that anyone who was driving was perfectly sober, as 1, that's important, and 2, my Mom is reading this and she'll ask.