We're Back & We're Feisty

April 6, 2003

So this game starts with me barely waking up in time but at least they're doing the day games on the WEEKEND now anyway, and with 2 outs, Edgar "I'm Goin Yard!" Martinez GOES YARD to quickly put us up 1-0 and then John Olerud walks, but we settle for the 1 run but not before Rafael "Viagra" Palmeiro fell into the dugout trying to catch Bret's foul ball, and as the Rangers are running back into said dugout, Alex PATS either our first base coach or John Olerud, I'm not sure which, right on their ASS, like keep your hands to yourself Alex and right about that time Homer comes bursting in and he is all gleeful and hollering "DID YOU SEE WHAT MR. MARTINEZ DID!" and I'm kind of surprised to see my dad, since I thought for sure he would be far too exhausted from his re-setting his 5,000 clocks for daylight saving's time to watch the game today, but there he is, and I should probably explain that Homer has this thing about making sure all clocks and watches are set to the absolute precise correct second and he drives my mother and I crazy with it, and sure enough the first thing he does is check all of my clocks and evidently I passed the test because he doesn't re-set them for me like he usually does.

So bottom of the first and there's Dan Wilson behind the plate and Homer is now searching my (affectionately) rotten cat Brutus, or "Brutie" as Homer calls him, and for those of you who remember when I used to talk about my cat Maynerd, I should probably mention that last July, old age caught up with him and I had to have him put to sleep and having had him since I was 11, you can imagine how traumatizing this was, and yes, I made a complete scene at the vet's and was totally hysterical bawling and crying and howling and my grandfather, whom I made come with me because I was pretty sure the vet was going to recommend putting Maynerd down, practically had to carry me out of there but anyway I couldn't even begin to stand the quiet in my house having him gone because my other cat Mrs. Potts is not a people cat by any means and she spends most of her time outside, and so I was talking to my friend Glenn aka the Kitten Pimp one day and he gave me a kitten from his in-laws whose cat had just had a litter, so that's how I got Brutus, and for those of you wondering how this is relevant to baseball, it isn't, but it's my site so I don't have to be relevant if I don't want to, and anyway, Freddy retires the first two batters but he's getting into some totally crappy counts and then he plunks the Sellout which is the only acceptable way for Alex to reach base if you ask me and then Alex steals second but it doesn't matter because Viagra strikes out and throws his helmet in disgust.

So anyway, Homer has now found "Brutie" and it totally cracks me up how Homer fusses over this cat and we head to the second inning where Jeff Cirillo walked with 1 out and then Carlos Guillen singled and Dan Wilson singled on the first pitch to score Cirillo like WELCOME BACK DAN and meanwhile Dan is sporting a goatee which I don't think I've ever seen him do before and then Ichiro grounded into a fielder's choice and Carlos got caught between home and third but he stayed in the run down long enough for Dan to go to third and Ichiro to go to second but we don't score anymore and head instead to the bottom half now leading 2-0 and Freddy walks Juan Gonzalez and Carl Everett and just as I'm about to start swearing Mike Lamb lined into a double play and then Chad Kreuter grounded out so no harm done as we head to the third inning.

So then Homer is off because he is going to go fuss with The Dodge and I've yet to actually watch an entire game with him this season so far which is weird because we usually watch quite a lot of games together as baseball is our "bonding" time but The Dodge evidently needed new oil filters or something and for those of you wondering, The Dodge is my father's beloved full size truck that my mother bought him a few years ago because he wanted it really bad but was fussing over how much it cost and she got totally tired of listening to him fuss about it and just went and bought it for him and showed up at his work with it and I bet the look on his face was pretty priceless but anyway, Edgar is hit by a pitch which makes me furious and the ump issues a warning to both benches and unfortunately, nobody charges Chan Ho Park for hitting Edgar and then Buck Showalter comes out to ask the ump why they're all getting warned because I guess Buck doesn't understand the gravity of hitting Edgar Martinez like go sit down Bucko and anyway the announcers start talking about how Carl Everett crowds the plate and wouldn't it be tempting to crowd in, get hit and get to the bullpen and while facing the Texas Rangers' bullpen is an appealing thought indeed, I don't think I would want to do ANYTHING like Carl Everett thank you very much and John Olerud reached on an infield single which cracked me up and then Bret Boone walked and then Chan Ho almost hits Mike Cameron in the head and then ends up hitting him on the wrist which forces in a run and Chan Ho doesn't get tossed since it was obviously not intentional at this point and then Jeff Cirillo grounds out John's out at home and if Jeff Cirillo ever wants me to get over his Lou bashing he'd better knock off grounding out with the bags full and then Carlos Guillen hits a sac fly to score Bret and then some weird guy with a butterfly catching net scoops up a foul ball that Dan hit but we settle for the two runs and head to the bottom half leading 4-0 and Texas doesn't do anything at all.

So fourth inning and there's some guy I don't recognize in the M's dugout and I think the announcers explained who he was but I missed it because Brutus was trying to knock a vase off my desk and Ichiro leads things off with a single and then some guy named Nitkowski relieved Chan Ho and retired Randy Winn and Ichiro stole second and then John Olerud walked and we unfortunately don't score.

"Ichiro Suzuki often puts a bat to his ear and thumps it with the heel of his hand. He says it helps him gauge the quality of the wood.  It didn't take Bret Boone long before he was doing the same thing. What does he listen for?

"I don't have a clue," Boone admitted last week in Oakland, where he picked through about a dozen bats near his locker for the ones he'd use in games. "I just do it because Ichiro does it."  - Kirby Arnold, sportswriter

So bottom of the fourth and A-Rod struck out looking which made me shout "HA HA!" and then Viagra walked and then Gonzalez singled and then Everett singled to load the bases and Lamb hit a sac fly to score one and I almost peed my pants because I thought it was going to be a grand slam for a second and then Kreuter, bless his heart, struck out and we go to the fifth leading 4-1.

We do nothing, and then there is this commercial for some 54321 show, I'm not really sure, but there's all these guys on dirt bikes at the starting line and without warning this one guy shoots forward and then falls down and they're all 'don't be that guy' and it's SO FUNNY when that guy wipes out but anyway, with 2 outs, Hank "Pain In the Ass" Blalock went yard, and just as I'm about to get all pissed off, Alex lined out to shortstop.

So sixth inning and Dan Wilson walked and then they are talking about the sign guy who is back with all his signs and his name is Brian Moore and Ichiro singled and Alex couldn't come up with it which I thought was great and the coach went out to talk to Powell and meanwhile Alex of course has to get into the middle of it and anyway, with runners at the corners, Randy singled to score Dan and then Edgar reached on what I think was an error but they called it an infield single only he started limping and I started freaking out and John Mabry came in to run for him and Edgar trotted off which was a good sign and then Olerud struck out looking which was total crap and then Jay Powell relieved that Nitkowski guy and that's all you need to know.

So bottom of the sixth and Viagra walked, but Gonzalez grounded into a double play and Everett grounded out, so it's still 5-2 Seattle as we go to the seventh and Mike Cameron singled and then stole second and Jeff Cirillo attempted to bunt but popped it straight up into the air and then Carlos Guillen doubled which scored Cam and then a strikeout later and they intentionally walked Ichiro to get to our hottest hitter, Randy Winn, and Dave Valle pointed out that it was kind of a case of "pick your poison" and Randy hit an infield single to load the bases and Alex came up with it but didn't have a play which was excellent, like maybe that flaming tacky gold tag got in the way and at some point during all of this, a red balloon floated down and Chad Kreuter took it, popped it and put in his pocket which strangely enough cracked me up for some reason and I have to point out that there sure is a lot of CRAP on the field, like paper and what not and anyway, John Mabry ripped a big nasty double to clear off the bases and that Fultz guy relieved Powell and Olerud singled to score Mabry and we head to the bottom half leading 10-2.

So with 1 out, Freddy walked the next 2 batters and Shiggy came in to relieve him and got the 2 outs no problem, so 8th inning and Estaban Yan relieved Fultz and we're down in order and then Shiggy struck out Alex which I enjoyed a great deal and Viagra flew out and Gonzalez grounded out so off we go to the ninth and with 1 out, Ichiro was safe on an error and then Randy walked and then an out later and Olerud singled which scored Ichiro and we lead it 11-2 as we head to the bottom of the ninth and with 1 out, Lamb singled, but nobody cared because that was as exciting as it got for the Rangers, and we win!