I Liked the Sign Guy

April 5, 2003

So this horrifying event begins with them announcing that there is a TORNADO watch there at the Ballpark In Arlington, like what is wrong with everyone that they are STILL THERE?  I would not only be out of the ballpark and the city, I would be the hell out of Texas by now, but no, everyone is just hanging out at the ballpark like there's no worry of a gigantic funnel cloud descending from the sky to suck up and scatter everything for miles and then speaking of stuff that sucks, they begin going on and on about the Sellout's 300th homerun that nobody cares about in the least, and we finally get the game started and Ichiro leads off with a single and the catcher meanwhile is totally fussing up a storm and jumps up after every pitch like he's going to pick Ichiro off and then Randy Winn walks and Ichiro goes to third on Edgar's fly ball and Randy steals second, and then Dave Niehaus and Red start talking about how Ken Griffey Jr. got hurt and Shel and I were talking about how it's like he's totally jinxed since having left Seattle and instead of being sweet vengeance like it once was, now it's just kind of sad and John Olerud gets called out on strikes which is crap and meanwhile you can totally hear people cheering for the Mariners and some guy was doing the Edgar chant and another one was yelling "Boonie!" and somehow we manage NOT to score anyone which makes me say several very bad, very unrepeatable words.

So bottom of the first and there's Gil Meche pitching for the first time in quite awhile and Glanville leads off on an infield single and then he steals second and the announcers are all talking about how they thought Ben didn't have a good enough grip to get a throw off or something but I think the problem may have had more to do with there being no one on second to cover, but maybe I'm wrong and then Blalock singles and scores Glanville which pisses me off no end and then Sellout fouled out after making himself look like a chump when he started towards first thinking a strike was a ball.  So then Captain Viagra himself, Rafael Palmeiro, hits a double and I have to say that I object to his usage of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem, because 1, I really like that song, and I really DON'T like Palmeiro, and 2, what does that song have to do with Palmeiro, baseball or viagra?  Like maybe he could use something suitable to the products he endorses like "Ain't Goin Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)" by Garth Brooks and then stupid Juan Gonzalez knocks one out for a 3-run homer and it's 4-0 Texas, which makes me really, really sick.

So second inning and Mike Cameron unfortunately grounded out to A-Rod and afterwards Alex does this stupid wave like maybe he's practicing for an upcoming pageant he's going to be in or something and we end up not doing anything, and Texas ends up not doing anything, so let's move along to the third shall we and Ben Davis lined out to Alex who twirled up like a ballerina to catch it, like I have never seen such a prancy baseball player in my whole life and then Ichiro struck out which really surprised me and then Randy singled and ended up on second thanks to an error only they give him a double which works for me and we fail to score and head instead to the bottom half where that obnoxious Blalock guy singles to lead things off and then Sellout gets lucky with a walk and then we pick off Blalock on second which made me very happy and then Viagra singled which made me very mad but that's all the excitement there was so off we go to the fourth still trailing 4-0.

So John Olerud "struck out" looking which he probably wouldn't have done if the umpire was calling with any consistency whatsoever and Bret Boone singled and then Mike "I'm Goin Yard!" Cameron WENT YARD and it's now 4-2 Texas and an out later and Carlos Guillen singled, but unfortunately we don't score anymore and then we go to commercial and there is something about a lady giving her dog an ENTIRE pizza, and I have NO IDEA what that commercial was about but if that dog doesn't puke up green peppers and pizza sauce all over her house I would be very surprised, and anyway, according to ESPN, Texas does nothing but waste Diaz's single, which I didn't get to see because my TV went out and I was busy getting ready to have a breakdown thinking that a tornado had hit and that's why the TV went out but then it comes back on for the top of the fifth and with 1 out, Randy singles and then you can hear the Edgar chant in the background and there's Edgar still safely NOT in a tornado, standing there with his fetching goatee and unfortunately we don't do anything and meanwhile the announcers are talking about this tacky gold patch on Alex's glove and how the players get those when they win the Gold Glove award and over the years I've seen many Gold Glove winners play, and I have NEVER seen them play with a glove that had a gold tag on it and I mentioned this to my friend Shel and she had never seen or heard of such a thing either and I think that everyone else puts their special gold tag glove away or dirties it up so it's not so glaring, but not Alex, he has to show his off and keep it all shiny like "look at my glove everybody, I need constant recognition to survive!" and I don't care to get into what happened during the bottom of this inning and suffice it to say it is now 6-2 Rangers and I am violently ill.

So top of the sixth and with 2 outs, Mark McLemore walked and then he stole second only Alex, lameass that he is, managed to shove Mac's foot off the bag and the ump called Mac out and Mac got right in his face and if my lip reading ability is to be trusted, there were at least 3 "THAT IS BULLSHIT!" statements made and Bob Melvin comes running out which was cool to see and according to ESPN, Carlos struck out anyway, but Mac was safe, and he should've kicked A-Rod right square in the cup for shoving his foot off the bag like that.

So then Giavanni Carrara relieved Meche and gave up a double to Mike Young that proved harmless, so we can just move right along to the seventh inning and with 2 outs, Randy singled and then Edgar doubled to score him!  6-3!  And then that Fultz guy relieved Colby Lewis and we don't score anymore.  Bottom half of the seventh and I am all "what the hell is that!" because there is some guy walking around in a donkey suit wearing a Rangers uniform, like how fitting to have their new mascot be a jackass only the announcers say it's a horse but we all know the truth and then that stupid pain in the ass Blalock singled to lead things off and then Alex managed an infield single even though Bret made an excellent stop and meanwhile the idiot sound people there in Texas are all playing "WHOOMP!  THERE IT IS!" like, whoomp, there WHAT is?  Your crappy sellout shortstop?  Yep, he's right there on first alright, thanks a bunch for singing a song about it, like what a bunch of crap, trying to make it into some grand hit, like WHOOMP WHERE'S YOUR ALL-STAR CATCHER PUDGE RODRIGUEZ and WHOOMP WHERE'S YOUR WINNING RECORD and WHOOMP WHERE'S YOUR PITCHING, like here's a clue, check A-Rod's wallet!  Losers.

So where was I?  Oh yeah, 2 on and nobody out and Cararra K's Viagra, then gets Juan Gonzalez to fly out, and Rick and Valle up in the booth say hi to Norm Charlton and Cararra walks some guy named Clark but doesn't let anybody score, so no harm done, I'll just head right along to the eighth inning where some guy named Garcia relieved Fultz and with 1 out, Cammie singled and then went to second on a wild pitch and an out later and John Mabry hit for Carlos Guillen and was hit by a pitch and then Willie Bloomquist ran for him and that Urbina guy came in for Garcia but we aren't able to score and I swear myself lightheaded and then Julia Mateo came in for Cararra and... I refuse to discuss it, but suffice it to say that Hank Blalock is seriously on my list of whose asses need kicking, and it's now 8-3 Texas.

Ninth inning and 1 out, Randy walked and an out later and Olerud singled and then Bret doubled which scored Randy and unfortunately, that's the end of the game right there and meanwhile, they put this guy on fan cam who has a little sign for each Mariner and he's all decked out in M's gear and he was definitely the highlight of this game.