What the Hell Is Going On Here?

April 2, 2003

Yeah so evidently they are trying to kill me in the first series here or something because if you thought last night was bad, you are in for one seriously long evening with this one and it actually started off promisingly enough with Ichiro leading off with a nice single and then unfortunately, Winn struck out and even more unfortunately, they are meanwhile jabbering away about how Alex Rodriguez became the youngest player to hit 300 homeruns as if anybody gives a good God damn and then Edgar walked bless his heart and Bret flew out but Ichiro went to third on it and then John Olerud just dropped one in to shallow center and Miguel Tejada probably should've had it but he couldn't come up with it and Ichiro scores and meanwhile Tejada is examining the ball as if it were somehow rigged then Cammie K's to end the inning and we head to the M's new commercial where they are eating chicken wings instead of sunflower seeds.

So bottom of the first and Jamie Moyer retires the side in order and off we go to the second inning where Tejada unfortunately managed to make a nice play to get Jeff Cirillo out although I'm sure Jeff is insisting that it was really Lou Piniella out there in his Miguel Tejada costume and can I just say how incredibly WEIRD and SAD and OUT OF SORTS it seems without Lou there?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Bob Melvin, it's just really disconcerting to not see Lou in that dugout.  But anyway, Carlos makes the second out after breaking all the bats in the place and Ben Davis K's and we head to the bottom of the first but not without Red's dynamite drop-in of "if he can't throw, he can't play", which made me snort outloud and bonus points to anyone who recognized that dynamite drop in line from Major League II.

So bottom of the second and the ump missed a few calls on Eric Chavez that should've been strikes but he made an out thanks to a spectacular catch by Randy Winn so I get over it soon enough and meanwhile the Honking Tuba Band is honking away in their usual ghastly manner and Jamie gives up a harmless walk and I have to call BS because at least 2 of those pitches were strikes but then Terence Long struck out so I don't really care.

So we are then unfortunately subjected to the view of this woman wearing what appears to be a big very dead very ugly forest creature hat and Ichiro makes an out and Randy ALMOST goes yard but not before I notice there is a piece of hair or a thread sticking out from the top of Barry Zito's uniform and it is really annoying me but anyway, we waste Edgar's walk and head to the bottom half where Cirillo makes an excellent play for the first out and then Singleton made another out and then Ellis singles which nobody was impressed with, or at least I wasn't, because I had enjoyed Jamie tossing a strike by him while he stood there calling time and it hadn't been granted, and then Hatteberg singled but Ellis held up so it is still 1-0 with 2 outs and I refuse to discuss the rest of this inning which is just as well since I was so aghast that I either briefly lost consciousness after having sworn myself lightheaded or I have blocked the entire event from my mind in my efforts to cope with my post traumatic stress syndrome, take your pick.

Top of the fourth and it's 4-1 A's and I am SO PISSED OFF that I can't even see straight, and anyway we're down in order which let me tell you does NOT improve my mood any and then that Durazo guy from last night is up and the announcers are all announcing that 'they call him Rubie' and I announce that "I call him a pain in the ass!" and then they get on the subject of the Aflac Trivia question which was about who hit into a triple play and who hit a grand slam in back to back at-bats (Hatteberg) and they gave Jay a shoutout about how he made the error in the playoff game but came back to hit a 3 run yard shot to win it and then with 1 out, Long walked and then... Carlos made an error like maybe he'd been drinking again, I'm not really sure but regardless, we now have 2 on with 1 down and the runners advance on a ground out and then I become violently ill as Ellis doubled to score two more and I really can't take very much more of this.

So fifth inning, 6-1 Oakland and Carlos makes an out and then we are forced to look at some fans wearing "Z" antennas sitting with a sign that announces they are "Zito Zaniancs", like can somebody please tell me what in the hell a ZANIAC as is?  So long story short, we waste Ichiro's infield hit despite Zito stomping over in his big clown shoes trying to beat him to the bag, I mean GOOD GOD his feet are enormous and maybe you think I'm being mean but his team has kicked my team's ass for two nights in a row so I can call him Clown Shoes if I want and I'm sure he'll get over it just fine.

So then we get a commercial of the Sellout's 300th homerun and the guy who caught it in Anaheim tossed it back like any self respecting baseball fan would and I'm sure it hurt Alex's feelings since he doesn't understand why nobody likes him and all I can say is there are 252 million reasons not to, and anyway, speaking of things I don't like, the bottom half of this inning sucked so bad I had to change the channel and watch American Idol for awhile so I wouldn't have an aneurysm although I did catch Bob making a trip out to see Jamie and it was SO BIZARRE that it wasn't Lou heading out there that I couldn't even begin to get over it.

So top of the sixth and some woman is dancing all retardedly with her lone green pom pom, like what a waste of fan cam this evening, and anyway it is now 8-1 Oakland and we don't do a bloody thing and Oakland gets a walk and a hit and I'd give you all the details but I don't want to.  They didn't score, that's all that matters.

So seventh inning and some guy named Fikac relieved Clown Shoes and we're down in order and I have to fight to keep from putting my foot through the television set, and anyway blah blah blah somebody singled for Oakland but they don't score and off we go to the eighth.

The not at all funny host on American Idol, Ryan Seacrest, annoys me very much and I don't understand why he can't be bothered to comb his stupid blonde highlighted hair.

So yeah anyway, eighth inning and John Mabry hit for Ben and that's as exciting as it gets and I have to say that American Idol was a huge rip off this evening because no one got booted besides the guy they kicked off already for having a warrant out for his arrest or whatever that was about and anyhow, Arthur "Artie" Rhodes comes in to relieve Julio Mateo who relieved Jamie at some point when I was watching American Idol, probably after the last two runs scored and anyway, he gives up a harmless walk, gets the next two, and Jeff Nelson comes in to get the third out and someone please tell me again why we have only 1 left handed reliever PLEASE.

Oakland makes a bunch of changes that nobody gives a crap about and then Edgar had an infield single of all things and then Bret singled and then John had an infield single which scored Edgar and then Cam walked to load the bases and then Lou Piniella, disguised in his Chad Bradford costume, struck out Jeff Cirillo and then Carlos grounded out but scored Boone and just when we begin showing signs of life, the game's over and we lose it 8-3 and if that Stupid Honking Tuba Band wanted to honk off that would be great.